Dan Conner quotes from Roseanne

Crystal

What was it?

Dan

Nothing.

Roseanne

I just bumped into my future, and it was hideous!

Roseanne

(Checks his pulse) Oh my God! He's dead!

Dan

Check it again!

Roseanne

I know how to count to zero!

Dan

Let me see if I got this straight: we need milk.

Roseanne

Milk.

Dan

We need eggs.

Roseanne

Eggs.

Dan

Bullets.

Bev

What kind of list is he making, not that it's any of my business?

Dan

A hitlist.

Dan

[Becky walks into kitchen all dressed up] Hold it! Could this woman be my little Becky?

Darlene

Not all of her. If I were you I'd check upstairs for some missing Kleenex.

Darlene, you have such a big mouth.

Darlene

And you have such a small chest.

At least I have a chest!

Darlene

At least I'm not a drooling boy-crazed nymphomaniac.

Roseanne

Hey, leave me out of this!

You're just jealous 'cause I have a date.

Darlene

And a two-ply chest!

Hermaphrodite!

Darlene

[temporarily speechless] Oh yeah?! [leaves kitchen]

Dan

Hey, we missing an offspring?

Roseanne

 Yeah, where did ya think I got the bacon?

Dan

Okay, we have thirty minutes to make this house presentable.

Darlene

Rub a lamp.

Dan

I didn't tell you to quit your job.

Roseanne

The hell you didn't!

Dan

The hell I DID! I told you if you wanted to quit your job, you should go ahead and quit your job. I was trying to support you.

Roseanne

Ha ha. You told me to quit my job and now you resent me because I did!

Dan

Bull, bull, bull.

Roseanne

You're all the time picking at me and making little cracks!

Dan

We always make little cracks. We always make little jokes. That's how we are! THAT'S WHY WE GET ALONG SO WELL!

Dan

Damn, this thing's heavy. Oh!

Roseanne

Shut up! Twist on it. Now turn it this way. You're hitting the fucking table!

Dan

Fuck the table. Open the door!

Roseanne

Wait! get off my fucking foot. You got to pull it straight back. All right, We have to make a big fucking turn here.

Dan

Honey, help me out here. Help straighten me out here.

Roseanne

Wait. wait. wait. O.k., take it back. Straight! O.k., now pull it outwide to the right. The right! out this way. O.k., now straighten it out. O.k. No! you're hitting the door. O.k., a little more this way. This way. This way. O.k., straight. O.k.

Dan

I'm going to kill the son of a bitch if I ever see him again.

Mom, are you through in the bathroom yet?

Dan

Honey, I'm through in there.

Darlene

Mom, I did my homework, but I still need you to sign here.

DJ

Mom, can you make me a sandwich?

Roseanne

And don't say a thing to mom about you being a cop.

Jackie

Why not?

Roseanne

Because I don't want her dropping dead of a heart attack at the dinner table!

Dan

Why not?

Roseanne

Are you feeliing ignored? Are you feeling unappreciated?

Dan

You're gonna be feeling single in about two seconds.

D.J.

What's going on?

Got me.

D.J.

Mom, what's going on?

Roseanne

We're playing a game.

D.J.

Can I play?

Dan

No, you're too mature to play this game.

Can I have my allowance?

Dan

It's an honor to have you on the payroll.

Roseanne

She's been trying to get a rise out of me for the last month.

Dan

What're you talking about?

Roseanne

Where've you been, Dan? She comes home from school, yells at me and locks herself in her room. The only time she comes out is to either yak on the phone or give me grief.

Dan

Great Caesar's Ghost, she's acting like a 14-year-old.