Roseanne Conner quotes from Roseanne

Wow, look at all this stuff! I don't know where to start.

Roseanne

Well, I'll simplify it for you. Crackers are the appetizers we had in the car and, well, pasta, that's spaghetti and I would not pay $12.95 for a plate of spaghetti if they had Mr. Chef Boyardee hisself in the kitchen there.

Darlene

What's wrong with this family?

Roseanne

Your father and i are really brothers.

Look, Mom, I found some really great colleges and..

Roseanne

But..

What's the but?

Roseanne

Mark is the but, I must go on about my point.

Jackie

Do you think our kids are going to be as horrible to each other as we were, Roseanne? They're practically brothers.

Roseanne

No, we'll break the cycle, I'll raise Jerry to be as nice to Andy as I should've been to you.

Did I hear right? Are we going on vacation?

Ladies and gentlemen, the role of Becky--played by Lecy Goranson, then by Sarah Chalke, and then by Lecy Goranson--will be played this evening by Sarah Chalke. Flash photography is prohibited.

Disney World? I've always wanted to go there!

Roseanne

Well, aren't you glad you're here this week?

David

(being deprogrammed under a light) No, Mrs. Conner. I want to go back to Edelweiss Gardens so I can help people have fun again!

Roseanne

(a little angry) All right. Let's go over this one more time. Your name is David Healy--you frown, you're introspective, and you mope.

David

I'm not listening, I'm not listening, I'm not listening, I'm not listening.

Roseanne

Listen to me, David. We don't whistle while we work! We grumble and complain and encourage others to do likewise.

David

Oh no, no, no, no!

Roseanne

Yes! Yes! Yes! Let me tell you a little something about your Edelweiss Gardens, David. It's mediocre food and mediocre fun at best. And you know why I know that, David? 'Cause I am an EXPERT on what is mediocre.

Roseanne

That's good! You hate me now, don't you David?! You're feeling hate. You hate me right now, don't you?

David

No! No, no I don't! (back to smiling) You're a paying customer, and I respect and admire you!

Roseanne

(slaps him) LIAR! Break, damn you!! Break! Listen to me, David! RABBITS AND GEESE AND GOATS ARE NOT PEOPLE!! THEY DON'T SING AND DANCE!! THEY'RE FOOD!!!!!!!!!

David

(broken) NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Roseanne

There...There.... Welcome home, son.

Roseanne

Let's see, David is pale and kind of weak-kneed and all nervous, so no clues there. But Darlene wants to sit next to me, and she said something nice to her brother. Ooh, I wonder. I know--you're pregnant!

Roseanne

(yelling) That was my joke guess!

David

We're also getting married.

Roseanne

(Turns to Dan) Well this is just great. I can get one of those T-shirts that say 'World's Greatest Grandma' on it. And you can get yourself, um, I don`t know, a cane or something.

Roseanne

Not only are we going to have a grandchild roughly around the age of our own child, but our daughter is marrying the boy we considered to be our son. I think that makes us ...officially... THE white-trashiest people in ALL the land!

Dan

Yee-haw!

Jackie

Roseanne, do you know who that is? That's Cindy Kenner from "Wake Up Chicago". She's on every morning at 8:00 a.m.

Roseanne

Oh, well I never see it because I never stay up that late anymore.

People love your opinionated, blue-collar outlook.

Roseanne

See, Dan. All these years people thought I was a bitch, but what I had was an opinionated, blue-collar outlook.

David

I, David, promise to always love and respect you, Darlene, my fellow traveler on this planet, as we tread lightly and replenish what we have taken from this earth.

Roseanne

(to Dan) I guess we'll have to return the deer rifle we got him. Did you hear that, did you hear what I just said?

Dan

Deer rifle.

Darlene

And I, Darlene, promise to love and respect you, David, as we strive not for material possessions, but for contentment and peace of mind.

Roseanne

I think she's got marriage mixed up with a nap on the porch. How come you're not laughing? Did you hear that?

Dan

Deer rifle.

Darlene

And we know the best way that we can make it is to rely on each other, the way our parents, Dan and Roseanne Conner, have.

David

No matter how good or bad life has been to them, they always found the humor in it. We hope we can do the same.

Roseanne

I didn't even see that coming. Did you hear that?

Dan

Yeah, I heard that.

Dan

Minor heart attack? How minor could it be? If I was a car this would cost 8 or 900 bucks.

Roseanne

They probably have to keep you in the shop just over night. The good news is they're giving me a loaner husband.

Roseanne

But it's getting late, there's really nothing any of you guys can do here so unless one of you wants to go and give a liver to the guy in 308.

Bev

I really don't think it's wise for this family to be giving away livers.

Roseanne

Yeah, well, I know it's hard, but you just keep it up, A little bit of time passes, and then you're stuck in a rut, Which is right up your alley.

Dan

Well, doctor's orders or not, I can't do it. It's hell. I mean, I can't live this way. I mean, I want my food back, you know? Real food-- dead animals. Brightly colored snacks. Things on sticks.

Roseanne

Well, i'm not gonna keep cooking those crap dinners That got you in this mess in the first place, Dan.

Dan

What about the crap breakfasts? And the crap lunches?

Roseanne

Well gee Dan, if you don't like my cooking, why don't you just cook yourself?

Dan

Maybe I will.

Roseanne

Oh yeah? Maybe you should. That'd be fun to watch.

Dan

Fine. You want me to fix dinner? I'll fix dinner! I'm fixing dinner!

Roseanne

Oh but honey, you just fixed dinner eleven years ago.

Roseanne

God, you're hiding food, Dan?!!

Dan

Yeah, with the cleaning products. It's the one place I knew you'd never look.

Roseanne

What was all that crap you were tellin' me in the hospital, that big speech about how you never cheated on me? What the hell do you call this?

Dan

Look, I am sick and tired of being treated like an invalid.

Roseanne

So you're just gonna do it, aren't ya? You're just gonna go right ahead and harden an artery right here in my kitchen!

Dan

I've got to live a little, Roseanne. You won't let me eat anything, you won't let me take any calls from work...

Roseanne

Yeah, and I'm not gonna let you talk anymore either, so shut up!