You made money by faking injuries and suing people? That's terrible.
[mockingly] Oh, moral Rock doesn't like making his money through fraudulent lawsuits.
PaperBroke or not, you still have to pay for your pizza. Maybe it's time you stop being a bum and get a job.
[mockingly once again] Oh, judgmental Paper calls me a bum just 'cause I fit the definition of one.
Paper
Why don't you ever wanna find work? Is it because you're not really good at anything?
Yeah, Scissors is good at lot of things, like, uh, sunglasses.
Forget you guys. I'll find work when I want to.
Paper
Well, until you do, you can't have pizza with us.
Paper
In fact, every time you walk through that door, Rock and I will be eating pizza until it motivates you to get a job.
[groans] Fine! You just watch. I'll have pizza money in no time. [bumps his leg on the table] Ow, my leg or-
JJudge
In the case of Scissors vs. Paper and his dangerous coffee table, the court rules in favor of Paper.
[rips the bandages off himself] Dang it! Alright. I'll get a job.
Paper
[weakly and stuffed with a huge belly] Scissors, did you… [stomach grumbles while he clutches it] Oh. …get a job yet?
[pushes Paper aside, also stuffed with a huge belly] Please say yes.
Guys, I can't talk right now. I'm hiding out in a chamomile field.
Paper
Oh, of course you are. Then you leave us no choice. [pulls a giant pizza pie] We're going to eat the most decadent pizza ever created.
Paper
The Ultimate Meat Huggers Double Stuffed Deep Dishanator with 50 pounds… of cheese. [Rock starts crying as he eats a slice while Scissors looks confused] It's so… [grabs his stomach while groaning as it grumbles] ...good.
[whimpers as Paper eats another slice] Oh, there's pizza underneath the pizza! [he and Paper eat more slices until they fall on their sides and holding their bellies in pain]
[gets an idea] Wait. I know what I'm good at! [runs away, dropping his phone]
Paper
Oh, Rock, he ran away. We're gonna come find you, Scissors. We just want to have… [his stomach gurgles; groans] …as much fun… Oh, no. …as we're having!
No more pizza! NO MORE PIZZA!!!!!
Paper
Why is it so hot in here?
Scissors crank the heater up so he can show off his new tank top.
Check it out! It's a monster truck with enormous biceps. It's perfect for tough guys like me. I even had them print my motto on the back. "If you want the 'ceps, you do the reps."
Paper
You don't do the reps, and why are you in a tank top? It's winter. [opens the window blinds, revealing the winter sky and wind] You're gonna overload the heater like this. It can't handle… [the heater suddenly breaks down and the cold air breezes into the apartment; sighs in annoyance] Without me, you guys would not survive.
[The trio stand outside of Lou's apartment]
Paper
Hold on!
Paper
Listen, our heater broke and we need you to fix it.
[sarcastically] Oh, fancy, boys, you "set" the temperature in your apartment. You don't got to turn on a hot plate and rub it on your bum.
Well, I can't help you. I'm on my way to Landlord Con. It's a meetup for landlords where we talk about plumbing and famous literature.
Fine, it's just plumbing. Anyway, I'll be back in three days. Mittens, you're the new landlord while I'm gone.
[Mittens walks out of the doorway and meows to them as if he was saying "I'm raising the rent!"]
Paper
Come on!
That's so unfair! [as he and his friends return to their apartment] It'll be fine. We could survive without heat for three days.
[They enter their apartment and shockingly find it all covered in snow and icicles]
Paper
Well, we can go stay with my mom.
New adventure! Rock, Paper, Scissors move in with Paper's mom!
Paper
[trying to open the door, but only to find that it's quickly frozen; grunting] It's frozen shut! We're trapped!
By the way, fun fact about monster trucks-- they don't normally have biceps.
Paper
[groans annoyingly] Well, we're off to a great start. We can't call for help because our phones are frozen. [to Scissors] You won't put on a jacket because you keep saying you "run hot."
[shivering; resisting the cold temperature] T-t-tough guys like me don't g-get cold.
Paper
And Rock is not taking this seriously.
Paper
[wearily while making an igloo] I just need to finish this igloo. That'll keep us safe.
Oh, here's a good one. If you were a warm, nutritious food, what warm, nutritious food would you be? [igloo explodes, covering them in snow] Do you prefer the hot or the cold?
Fun fact about me, I actually run…
Paper
[snapping] Shut up! Shut up! Ah, I hate this! I am tired of you two being incapable, and I hate always being the savior of this group!
What'll it take to get you to join? You want money, gifts, someone to hug you and say, "Good job, son"? Wait, that's what I want.
Paper
Look, pranks are mean, and they're hurting our society. Just think what we could accomplish if we stopped tricking people and started helping them. As a man of science, I'd rather spend my time changing the world, curing diseases, and bringing back the rainforest!
[to Rock] How funny would it be if that wrecking ball would hit him right now?
[bursting into their apartment] Guys, the Rat Bros asked me to join their side in the prank war!
[shocked] WHAT?! Wait, I actually don't know how to feel about this yet. Keep talking.
I'm so excited! Most people don't know this about me, but I'm a huge trickster. One time, I told a coworker something was made of polycarbonate when it was actually made of polythylmethacrylate!
Paper
[chuckles] Oh, you are bad.
[The trio are hiding behind a bush in the park, watching the Rat Bros weightlifting]
Okay. What's the plan, new guy?
Paper
I say we sneak up and blast them with my water balloon cannon. Now, Rock! Push the button!
[tries to push the button but the laser zaps him causing him to dance uncontrollably] I'm trying but I can't stop dancing!
I'll do it. [the laser zaps him; his body starts to inflate like a balloon and floats away] What is- Rock, grab me! GRAB ME! [holds onto the cannon]
Paper
What the heck is going- [the laser zaps him; screams as his neck extends like a giraffe and his giraffe-like head falls to the ground] Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!
[The Rat Bros walk up to them]
Oh, the party won't stop!
'Sup, boys? Were you planning to blast us with your secret weapon? Well, we have a secret weapon too.
[popping up from a nearby bush] I made an atomic transmogrification laser! It can alter molecular structure in really crazy ways! Watch. [zaps Scissors' head, causing it to also inflate]
My head! My head is a balloon! [floats away]
Paper
Okay, this might be a bit harder than I thought.
Sharp branch! Sharp branch!
[Scissors' nose is poked by a branch and deflates around while the Rat Bros laugh]
[wakes up when he hears loud crashing sounds] Did you guys hear something? [his brothers wake up, also hearing the sound; they walk over to Scissors, disguised as a graffiti painting, then walk over to Rock, mistaking him for a smart device] Smart device, play smooth jazz. [Rocks plays some music, but not smooth jazz; walks over to Paper holding a sign saying: "I'm a TV"; realizing something] Wait a second. [turns back to Rock] That's Afro-Cuban jazz!
[Rock smiles sheepishly]
Paper
GRAB THE LASER!
[interrupting the Prank War award ceremony while in a mech suit] Stop that crowning!
WWoman
What? Stop the crowning?
Paper
[walks up on the stage] Oh, you thought this was over? [snickers] Well, prank! [Scissors grabs Derf from his seat; stands on the podium] Ladies and gentlemen, answer me this: How can the Rat Bros accept the prank crown if the Rat Bros aren't all on this planet? [Derf is then strapped to a rocket] Yes! Do it, Scissors! Wedgie that Rat Bro into space! Look at me now, Pencil! I'm Issac Newton! I'm Issac Newton! [laughs maniacally, shaking the podium]
[Rock, Pencil, the Rat Bros, the audience and Paper all watch as Scissors is preparing to fire the missile and send Derf off into space]
[suddenly having a change of heart] No. [deactivates the rocket and sets Derf down]
Paper
What?
No more prank war! [the audience gasps] I just had a huge revelation. Pranks are mean, and they're hurting our society.
Paper
Wait, that's what I said.
Just think what we could accomplish if we stopped tricking people and started helping them.
Paper
[baffled] Is he doing my speech?
As a man of science, I'd rather spend my time changing the world, curing diseases, and bringing back the rainforest!
[The audience clap and cheer, and the Rat Bros whistle]
BRBetter Rock, Paper, & Scissors
Hello!
BRBetter Rock
Come in, come in!
Paper
Huh. Your place looks similar to ours.
Although, I see you don't see have a TV.
BSBetter Scissors
Why would we need a TV? We're too entertained by our friends.
RPRock, Paper & Scissors
Ugh.
BRBetter Rock
Thanks for bringing these over. Funny enough, we just got some of your mail today, too.
Paper
I don't understand.
You're smarter than us, you're nicer than us, you're at least 15 other things better than us. What's wrong with you guys?!
BSBetter Scissors
You tell us. We're always willing to grow.
[Scissors yells in rage]
BPBetter Paper
Hey, you seem upset. Why don't we all go to the couch and talk about our feelings?
[The better trio fly back to the couch]
Guys! We got more holiday cards!
Paper
[disappointed] Man, everyone looks so perfect in these photos-- Lou, the Rat Bros, even Crazy-Eyed Pirate.
I don't know. We met a lot of wacky characters. It's hard to keep track.
Paper
Why can't we take a good holiday picture? Every year, something goes wrong. There was that year Rock's head got stuck in a honey jar, the year we had broccoli in our teeth, the year we were all 8-bit, the year Scissors went Super Saiyan.
Paper
And the year Rock dressed up as some old cartoon character.
[The last photo shows Rock in his Rocko getup from Rocko's Modern Life]
You didn't enjoy "Rocko, Paper, Scissors"?
Paper
Eh, it was okay.
I liked that show. The main guy was always like… [imitating Rocko's voice] "Hey, mate, I'm Rocko, and I have a dog named Spunky. He-he." [normally] Or something like that. I don't do a very good impression.
Paper
I just want one perfect holiday photo.
[The trio are eating at a cafe while Paper is dressed in medical scrubs]
[bitter with jealousy] So, we're just not gonna talk about Paper's clothes.
Paper
Whatever do you mean?
I mean, you're wearing scrubs. You are not a doctor, and yet, you are wearing the clothes a doctor wears.
Paper
Oh, is that what these are? I thought they were pajamas.
Paper
I thought it was a necklace.
Yeah? You wear necklaces now?
This is insane! He's so desperate for respect, he put on scrubs so people think he's a doctor. Well, no one's buying it, Paper!
OHOrange-haired Kid
Wow, a real-life hero! [offers Paper to sign his autograph] How can I be a doctor one day?
Paper
I'll say this, it's more than just putting on the clothes.
That's literally all he did!
Let's ask why this upsets you.
Rock, you went on one meditation retreat, you're not some wise, old sage. [points to Paper] And he's not a doctor! I bet he can't even tell you what hospital he works at!
[grumbles annoyingly] I'm gonna get more respect than you, Paper. And I know someone's society respects even more than doctors. [walks off and comes back, wearing a basketball jersey]
Paper
What are you wearing?
A basketball jersey… Which I guess makes me a professional basketball player.
Paper
Oh, please. You really think people are going to believe that you're…
Rock Paper Scissors · 174 quotes
