[reading an article about the trio being the best guys in town and receiving all the praise; outraged] Ugh! This makes me so mad! Why do we still pay for the newspaper?! [throws the newspaper on the ground and marches over to the weight bench] Brogan, spot me. I'm doing an angry set! We cannot let Rock, Paper, and Scissors feel good about themselves. We have to beat them!
Wait, Logan. Are you saying…
Yes, Brody. It's time for an altruistic-off!
RRuby
Altruistic-off: A competition in which people or groups try to win by doing the most good for society.
Uh, Ruby, you can go home. Okay. Derf, go save the whales. Brogan and I will eliminate political corruption. And Brody? Get a PhD in robotic engineering to give people without limbs the best in robotic prostheses.
But, Logan, I already have a PhD in robotic engineering.
Too late. I already gave out the assignments.
[Another article shows the Rat Bros being #1 good guys and receiving more praise]
[reading the article; also outraged] This is terrible! Newspapers are so important, and no one cares anymore! [throws the newspaper on the ground]
ScissorsWhat's the point of cleaning all this garbage off the street if we're losing?! [pushes the huge garbage bag out the window, and it falls onto the street, splashing some people in garbage]
We have to beat the Rat Bros, otherwise, I won't be able to judge them on my high horse! And how am I supposed to feel good about myself then, by winning horse races? [the horse looks at him and shakes its head no] See? He's not into it!
Feast your eyes, Rat Bros! I have created a device that will solve the global housing crisis by spitting out a fully-built house in just five seconds!
Scissors
We're gonna officially unveil it tomorrow at the Nobel Prize ceremony and beat you once and for all!
Build houses! That's what we should do!
See? He got there. [he and his friends walk off with their invention]
[frustrated] D'oh! I can't believe they're gonna beat us! They are such… good guys.
Actually, I think we'll still win.
I saw a flaw in the device's engine. If they try to use that thing, it'll explode.
Nice, bro! Nice, bro! Nice, bro! Nice, bro!
[feeling down, quietly] Nice, bro.
[noticing Brody's behavior after Logan and Brogan walk away; concerned] Hey, are you okay?
Yeah, I'm cool. [laughs awkwardly] Cool. I'm cool! Ha-ha. Cool guy. Super cool Brody. Listen, can I tell you something? You remember how I got my PhD from Princeton, right?
Yeah, in two days. Very impressive.
Well, I got a job at a hospital working in robotic prosthetics. [Flashback to him in his hospital shift as he puts some prostheses on a limbless patient named Mr. Drake] All right, Mr. Drake. Test them out.
DMr. Drake
[grips his prostheses, controlling them; surprised] Oh, my gosh. I-I can wave! I can point! I can… [uses them to scratch an itch on his behind] Oooh, I've been waiting to scratch that for 25 years!
[voice-over] But then, something weird happened.
DMr. Drake
Could I… hug you? It would be the first hug I've ever given.
[unsure] Um… I don't really--
DMr. Drake
[hugging him; sobbing happily] Thank you, Brody. You changed my life!
[hugs him in return with his eyes tearing up; voice-over] It felt amazing! And for the first time, I had a new thought.
[Zoom in inside his brain]
BSBrody's Neurons
Be cool. Be cool. Be cool. Be cool. Be cool.
BSBrody's Neuron #1
Be good.
BSBrody's Neurons
Be good. Be good. Be good. Be good. Be good. Be good.
BSBrody's Neuron #2
We really should shower, though.
[Back to the present]
I think… I think I might be a good guy.
[gasps in dramatic shock] No. Brody, no. A-are you sure?
This morning, I wrote a big check to a food bank!
But you know the rules… jerks are cool. Good guys are… I don't even know!
Derf, I get it. But I'm thinking about that machine and… it just feels wrong to do nothing! Those homes would help so many people.
Look, I know it's tough, but sometimes you gotta make hard choices in life. Do you want to foster the well-being of millions… or be cool? [starts to walk away]
Hey, Derf… when you were saving the whales, were you thinking about beating Rock, Paper, and Scissors, or about how good it felt to save those whales?
[thinking for a second] Get some rest, bro. [resumes walking away]
CNConvenient News Reporter
The album is already a huge hit, and the whole world hates Scissors. He's on the cover of Time magazine for "Most Hated Man of the Year."
[The magazine shows Scissors on the cover with his weird straight-forward, front-facing angle]
Scissors
Ah, they used that angle!
Scissors
[turns off the TV after watching the news of becoming the most hated person on Earth] This is terrible! I gotta go down to Convenient News and tell everyone I'm not a bad guy! [walks down the street, passing a crowd, booing angrily at him] I know, I know, but I'll explain everything on TV!
DDriver
This is for Lolly! [splashes water on him]
D2Driver #2
This is also for Lolly! [splashes more water on him]
D3Driver #3
[throws out a bucket of snakes at him] EAT SNAKES, JERK!
Scissors
[returns to the apartment; bummed] Of all the bad days in my life, that probably broke the top 50. [sees his friends dancing to Lolly's album]
By the way, I'd also recommend not going online.
We wrote some really nasty stuff.
Scissors
[turns off the music] Guys, this is serious! I can't even leave the house! I gotta get everyone to stop hating me.
I don't know how you could do that.
Yeah, Lolly's the victim here.
Scissors
[as an idea pops into his head] That's it! That's how you win over the public sympathy! I just need to out-victim Lolly.
LLolly
This is way out of hand! Sure, Scissors messed up, but he doesn't deserve this. And frankly, you guys are so intense sometimes it scares me. I mean, is that a mythological war hammer?! [Paper is holding an electrical war hammer and he and Rock sadly hang their heads down] So please, take it down a notch. And you don't need to do things like this for me. I'm not a god. [stops the meteor from hitting the Earth; voice booming] NO!
MMeteor
Whatever you say, Lolly! Love the new album! [flies away into space]
[Everyone leaves, saying sorry]
LLolly
I heard your apology. I'm glad you learned your lesson. And I'll admit, I probably shouldn't have written 16-full length songs about why you were terrible.
Scissors
Sixteen? I thought you only wrote ten.
LLolly
No, I only released ten. I might release the other six as bonus tracks. [Everyone comes back, screaming excitedly] But I might not!
EEveryone
[disappointed] Aww! [walk away]
LLolly
Hey, all this aside, I did still have fun with you. So maybe we could go on a second date. What do you think?
Scissors
[thinking for a moment] Hard pass.
Scissors
Do you have any idea how awful you made my life? I was the most hated man on Earth. The nation of Japan publicly denounced me. And I was almost torn apart by 2,000 psychopaths in bows. So, yes, I did learn a lesson, but it was to never, ever date pop stars. Hard pass. [walks away]
LLolly
That wasn't very nice. I should write an album about that.
Wait. Who is that? [points to Scissors, and pats him on the head, mistaking him for a dog] Look at you! You are such a good boy!
Scissors
[baffled] Does he think I'm a dog?
Scissors
I mean, I'm gonna get the ball. It's a cool ball.
[turns to Rock] Rock, your dog is amazing!
So it's a stray? I must have it! [to Scissors] How'd you like to come live with your new doggie daddy?
Scissors
Dude, I'm not a dog.
[While the trio are fighting against Dr. Big Bat over a big strawberry, Paper gets a reminder on his phone for his annual family get-together]
Scissors
What?
RSRock & Scissors
Oh, no.
BBDr. Big Bat
What? What is it?
I totally forgot. Today's my annual family get-together.
BBDr. Big Bat
Oh, well, we can reschedule, if you need to go.
No, it's not that. It's… [sighs deeply] I come from a family of very high achievers. There's my sister, Sandpaper, an action movie star. My brother, Toilet Paper, a popular stand-up comedian. My mom, Newspaper, an award-winning journalist. My dad, Parchment Paper, a famous pastry chef. And then there's me… the dud.
BBDr. Big Bat
Wait, why is your name the only one that's not a specific type of paper?
I actually go by my middle name. My full name's Plain Paper.
Scissors
What?! [laughs] That's the funniest thing I've ever heard! I'm gonna get as much mileage out of that as possible!
Every time we get together, my family goes around the table and says what they accomplished in the last year. Everyone says something incredible until it gets to me. I share something stupid… then my family says, "Wow, Paper. That's really something." And then they give me a cookie. I've always wanted to do something incredible, but nothing I do is. And don't want to be humiliated again.
PPParchment Paper
Paper? What's going on? And why are your friends here?
Scissors
We kidnapped Paper too?
Because we have beef and… Uh… Come back to me.
What's going on is I don't want to go back to that table! You don't know how humiliating it is to hear about all the incredible things you do every year because I never do any myself. [to Sandpaper] You're working on big action movies, [to his mother] you're breaking national news, and I'm just Plain Paper. That's why I staged this kidnapping. Rock, Scissors, and I were fighting Dr. Big Bat over a giant strawberry we grew for the county fair, and we thought he'd make a good kidnapper. But then you got through all the bats, so I had to call a bunch of people I met over the past year. Like the ghosts we befriended when we tried to get the perfect holiday picture, the tortoises I accidentally made huge from toxic ooze and taught martial arts in the sewer, and the Hipponoids from the time I stopped their invasion and saved Earth.
NNewspaper
Hold on. You did all that in the last year?
[sadly] Yeah, I go on a lot of silly adventures.
Paper, that's not silly at all.
PPParchment Paper
Are you kidding? Who goes on adventures like that?
TPToilet Paper
Yeah, that's… That's incredible!
Ah, that's why I should've said.
[Inside Scissors' head, he is standing on the beach, gazing at the cow-tsunami coming towards him]
Scissors
[sadly] Our tradition is ruined. We don't have snacks, my friends are gone, and I'm just a cow. A big, dumb cow.
MMax
Then take off the costume.
Scissors
I can't, Max. I'm only wearing underwear.
MMax
[kneels down to him] You can still get the job done. Because what do I always say?
SMScissors & Max
Everybody gets down sometimes, but the important thing is to get back up, because up is the opposite of down and staying down just means you've given up, but I never give up, I only get down, because I'm Max Moonami, the guy who rides cows.
Scissors
Hey, Max… thanks.
MMax
Don't thank me, Scissors. I just exist in your head.
Scissors
Wait, so I can't do it?
MMax
Uh, don't think about it. [to the camera] Quick. Zoom out! Zoom out!
[Zoom out of Scissors' head; He takes off his cow costume and sets it down on the three reserved seats for Rock, Paper, and himself, leaving him in his underwear]
Scissors
Nobody sit here!
Rock Paper Scissors · 174 quotes
