Nice ScissorsI don't see what the big deal is. It's just putting away some groceries.
SCScissors Citizen
Oh, sure, first you're putting away groceries. Next you're donating a kidney!
[All the Scissors in the court shout angrily]
CSChairman Scissors
[banging the gavel] Order! Order! Have you forgotten why we don't help? Don't you remember the Ice Cream incident? [inserts the tape into a VCR]
[The footage shows Young Scissors standing in line at an ice cream stand]
Young Scissors
[to a little girl; politely] You can cut in front of me if you want.
Nice Scissors
[talking to Wife Scissors] Am I crazy? Should I just vote not to help?
WSWife Scissors
Yes! It's like Chairman Scissors always says, "The world is a dark place. Helping leads to hurt."
Nice Scissors
But how do we know for sure?
WSWife Scissors
Here, hand me some water. [Nice Scissors offers her a glass of water and she smacks it into his face] See what happens when you try to help?
Nice Scissors
Could've just taken the water.
WSWife Scissors
You're not making any sense. Just go back to watching TV and try to live in with that horrible feeling we all have.
[A memory footage shows Young Scissors running down the school hallway, and accidentally rips his pants while crouching down to pick up a piece of paper, showing his underwear and butt crack]
Young Scissors
Oh, no! I ripped my pants at school! [gets attacked by a Pterodactyl that swooped in]
Nice Scissors
That was a bad day.
Chad was right not to work with us. Our business was a huge failure.
Scissors
[sobbing] AND MINE WAS A HUGE SUCCESS!
Yeah, we heard about that. [outside the apartment building, a giant diaper rolls down the street, passing by] It's okay, Scissors. I'm sure everyone will forget about this once a better diaper comes along.
Scissors
How could you make a better diaper? It would have to have Bluetooth, compatibility, be reversible, and get out the toughest stains, with half the calories! [Rock and Paper both gasp and take out their invention, believing he's signifying it] It would need to keep your hot drinks hot and your cold drinks cold, and I wouldn't want my face on it, and it'd had to have, I'll just randomly say, Paper's face… [Rock and Paper both sulk] Or Rock's.
Scissors
You wanna go home?
Why? Because you think I can't handle 3rd grade?
Scissors
No, because I do not care about this.
Oh, yeah, you think I'm too stupid that I can't get one "A"?
Scissors
Listen. I know I usually antagonize you in situations like this, but I'm really not invested here. Rock and I are apartment-sitting for Pencil this week, and we're gonna play with all her cool gadgets, which seems like way more fun than this… frankly sad 3rd grade development. So, do whatever you want, but again, I could not care less.
Well, I'll show you, Scissors! I will get an "A", an "A-plus", with a good job sticker on top!
[holding up one of Pencil's gadgets] Scissors, look! Pencil has a shapeshifter! [activates it, turning him and Scissors into snowmen]
RSRock & Scissors
Whoa! [they then turn into Minecraft style] Whoa!
Well, I bet you're loving this, Scissors! Old doofus Paper failing 3rd grade!
[Rock and Scissors have turned into an apple and a banana]
Scissors
Again, I do not care.
And now I have a group project due at the end of the week on genetic engineering and no one will want to work with me 'cause I'm the least intelligent kid in the class!
[Rock and Scissors have then turned into frogs]
Scissors
Paper, we've turned ourselves into frogs. We're looking for flies.
Could we just acknowledge this?! This is insane! I mean, Rock, do you know quantum mechanics?
Of course! I learned it in the 3rd grade.
CCatalina
[vengefully] I'll be back, Scissors! And next time, I'll take you down!
Scissors
Not if I take you down first.
CCatalina
How could you?! You have the brain of an ant!
Scissors
And you have the face of the dead!
CCatalina
I HATE YOU SO MUCH!
Scissors
I HATE YOU MORE!
[They slowly start to kiss, but snap out of it and look away from each other, awkwardly]
CCatalina
Anyway, you're the worst.
Scissors
Yeah, uh… same to you.
What is happening with them?!
[The trio's apartment is being decorated for the holidays and Paper and Pencil are decorating the Christmas tree together]
[sighs dreamily] I love the holidays. It really is the best time of year.
Yeah. You get to relax, have some quiet time, and…
[barging in with Scissors painfully clutching his stomach] SCISSORS ATE A PINECONE!
Scissors
Rock dared me to!
No, I said, "Don't do that!"
Scissors
Which I took as a dare!
I'm with Paper. This really is the best time of year.
It is. And I'm glad everything worked out.
Although I do feel bad the robot didn't remove the pinecone.
[Zoom out, revealing Scissors lying flat on the floor with a pine tree growing out of his butt, which Paper and Pencil were decorating]
Scissors
[disappointed] Not as bad as I do.
[The trio hear the Rat Bros laughing and cheering from above the fourth floor while Rock is playing a Sims parody video game]
Scissors
[annoyed] Ugh. Are the Rat Bros having another party?
Let's go up there and tell them to start being respectable members of society.
Scissors
Okay, but just don't get on your high horse again.
[They are then standing outside the Rat Bros' apartment while Paper rides on his high horse, and Scissors knocks on the door]
[answers the door] 'Sup, bros? Oh, are we tutoring too loud?
Yeah. We tutor underprivileged kids all the time. [shows them his brothers tutoring four children] Ruby, tell 'em the thesis of your report.
RRuby
In a juxtaposition of the sublime and the banal, the artist's oeuvre deftly encapsulates the ephemeral nature of human experience.
[Derf blares a party air horn; the trio are speechless at what they just saw and are back in their apartment]
Scissors
What the heck was that?!
The Rat Bros aren't supposed to be better than us! They're supposed to be one-dimensional bad guys!
Yeah! I refuse to live in a world where the Rat Bros are morally superior. Because then we can't judge them! And that's how I feel good about myself!
Scissors
Paper, get off the horse.
I can't, I need a step stool!
[Meanwhile, in the Rat Bros' apartment…]
[laughing hysterically along with his brothers] Did you see how upset they were?
Our altruistic plan is totally working!
[chest bumping] Nice, bro! Nice, bro! Nice, bro! Nice, bro!
[suddenly confused] But wait… are we jerks? Tutoring these kids is really nice. Bro. Nice, bro. Nice, bro. Nice, bro.
Brody, don't be ridiculous. We're only doing good things to make Rock, Paper, and Scissors feel bad about themselves, which is a jerk thing to do. And remember, the two rules of being a Rat Bro: If a bro asks you to spot 'em, you gotta spot 'em. And what's number two, kids?
KKids
Rat Bros are jerks because jerks are cool.
And you wanna be cool, right, Brody?
Of course. That's my one and only thought.
[Zoom in inside Brody's brain]
BSBrody's Neurons
Be cool. Be cool. Be cool. Be cool. Be cool.
BSBrody's Neuron #1
Shower?
BSBrody's Neurons
NO! Be cool. Be cool. Be cool. Be cool.
Rock Paper Scissors · 174 quotes
