Pickle Rick quotes from Rick and Morty

[Morty comes to the garage] Morty!

Rick? W-where are you?

On my workbench, Morty.

Are you invisible and you're gonna, like, fart on me?

Flip the pickle over. [Morty walks to the workbench]

What, I'm gonna touch it, and you're gonna tell me it's an alien dick or something?

Come on, flip the pickle, Morty. [Morty holds a screwdriver] You're not gonna regret it. The payoff is huge. [Morty turns pickle over with Rick's face on it] I turned myself into a pickle, Morty! Boom! Big reveal! I'm a pickle! What do you think about that? I turned myself into a pickle! W-what are you just staring at me for, bro? I turned myself into a pickle, Morty.

And?

"And"? What more do you want tacked on to this? I turned myself into a pickle, and 9/11 was an inside job?

Was it?

Who cares, Morty? Global acts of terrorism happen every day. Uh, here's something that's never happened before: I'm a pickle! I'M PICKLE RIIIIICK!

What do you think is in the syringe, Beth?

You're the one that costs $200 an hour. You tell me.

Anti-pickle serum.

Your kids think it might be anti-pickle serum.

My kids pee their desks and suck on unbaked vases.

They're just angry at me for divorcing their father.

Summer

I never said I was angry at you.

That's the point of pottery-enamel huffing, Summer. You do it so you don't have to say "I'm angry at mommy" out loud.

Oh, my God! [Morty closes the book and puts it back on the coffee table, pointing at it] Oh, there-there's pictures of people eating poop in there!

It's not my job to take sides or pass judgment. Do you think when your father asks for that syringe, you could ask him --

He won't have to ask for it, okay? He won't need it. He'll just make more. He doesn't need anything from anyone.

You admire him for that.

It's better than making your problems other people's problems.

Oh, come on!

Pickle Man! You should know this isn't personal!

You should know that isn't original.

They have my daughter! [Jaguar takes a water bottle and pours the water into his open wound] There's nothing I won't do to see her again.

Yeah, there's lots I wouldn't do to see my daughter, but killing you gets me to her quicker than your derivative bullshit.

I never bullshit, Pickle Man! This can only end with one of us dead, and I have never died!

That'll be your downfall, Jaguar: not being open to new experiences.

You must be Rick.

Mm-hmm.

I've heard a lot about you today. Your family is crazy about you, your daughter holds you in very high regard, you're a lucky fella.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, thank you. Hey, sweetie, you don't still happen to have that syringe in your purse?

Dad, I would like you to tell me what's in the syringe.

It's a serum that I need to, uh...to stay alive. I have...had a rough day, and, uh...I've sustained a lot of damage, I'm pretty close to death, which the serum will prevent.

By changing you from a pickle to a human.

[long pause] Yes.

Rick, why did you lie to your daughter?

So I wouldn't have to come here.

Why didn't you want to come here?

Because I don't respect therapy. Because I'm a scientist. Because I invent, transform, create, and destroy for a living, and when I don't like something about the world, I change it. And I don't think going to a rented office in a strip mall to listen to some agent of averageness explain which words mean which feelings has ever helped anyone do anything. I think it's helped a lot of people get comfortable and stop panicking, which is a state of mind [belch] we value in the animals we eat, but not something I want for myself. I'm not a cow. I'm a pickle. When I feel like it. So... you asked.

Rick, the only connection between your unquestionable intelligence and the sickness destroying your family is that everyone in your family, you included, use intelligence to justify sickness. You seem to alternate between viewing your own mind as an unstoppable force and as an inescapable curse. And I think it's because the only truly unapproachable concept for you is that it's your mind within your control. You chose to come here, you chose to talk to belittle my vocation, just as you chose to become a pickle. You are the master of your universe - and yet you are dripping with rat blood and feces, your enormous mind literally vegetating by your own hand. I have no doubt that you would be bored senseless by therapy, the same way I'm bored when I brush my teeth and wipe my ass. Because the thing about repairing, maintaining, and cleaning is it's not an adventure. There's no way to do it so wrong you might die. It's just work. And the bottom line is, some people are okay going to work, and some people... well, some people would rather die. Each of us gets to choose.