Morty quotes from Rick and Morty

What do you think is in the syringe, Beth?

You're the one that costs $200 an hour. You tell me.

Anti-pickle serum.

Your kids think it might be anti-pickle serum.

My kids pee their desks and suck on unbaked vases.

They're just angry at me for divorcing their father.

Summer

I never said I was angry at you.

That's the point of pottery-enamel huffing, Summer. You do it so you don't have to say "I'm angry at mommy" out loud.

Oh, my God! [Morty closes the book and puts it back on the coffee table, pointing at it] Oh, there-there's pictures of people eating poop in there!

It's not my job to take sides or pass judgment. Do you think when your father asks for that syringe, you could ask him --

He won't have to ask for it, okay? He won't need it. He'll just make more. He doesn't need anything from anyone.

You admire him for that.

It's better than making your problems other people's problems.

Oh, come on!

Pickle Man! You should know this isn't personal!

You should know that isn't original.

They have my daughter! [Jaguar takes a water bottle and pours the water into his open wound] There's nothing I won't do to see her again.

Yeah, there's lots I wouldn't do to see my daughter, but killing you gets me to her quicker than your derivative bullshit.

I never bullshit, Pickle Man! This can only end with one of us dead, and I have never died!

That'll be your downfall, Jaguar: not being open to new experiences.

Supernova

Vindicators. Worldender is back, and this time he's out to end more than worlds. We have reason to believe his stronghold is located on--

[looking bored] My balls.

Rick!

Rick, is this a Saw thing? Are you seriously Sawing the Vindicators?

Morty, I'm a drunk, not a hack.

If you break the rules, lose the game or try to leave, you will die... like in [burps] Saaaaw...

Screw this. I'm not playing his game. I'm gonna find us a way out of here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on, Vance. He said you'd die if you tried to leave. That means there's booby traps.

Why are you acting like that's not you?!

What part of "blackout" don't you understand? I thought you drank.

[panicking] Like cool drinking! Like sexy drinking, not this psycho trailer-park shit!

Vance, stay calm...

Oho, so you're the leader now because we gave you a jacket?! You're the learning-disabled kid we do photo ops with!

Okay, ouch, but--

[hyperventilating] Okay, okay. Th-this is triggering me. I need space. I need space... FROM THIS!

[grabs Rick by the throat] Give me one reason why I shouldn't crush your windpipe.

Because my epidermis is laced with a nanofiber defence mesh. [Alan receives an electric shock and gets knocked back] And because, like I said, I don't remember last night.

[to Supernova] I told you not to bring this mummified motherfucker back!

Alan, I'm not proud of what's happening here, but if you keep coming at me, there's gonna be another passenger on that ghost train.

Supernova

What the hell is "Is-ra-el"?

I-It's just something Rick starts talking about when he's blackout drunk.

[awkwardly] W-What? In w-- In w-w-what-- In what way? Like, w-w-what's my point?

In a way that has no point! You just babble about defense budgets and the United Nations, and then you pass out!

So, to be clear, I sometimes reference the geopolitical complexities of the topic, which is not the same as going to an anti-Semitic place--

I have no stake in this.

I don't either, I-I'm just saying - if anything, the drunk version of me is probably so supportive of Israel, he wants what's best for it, and--

Hey, man, I'm not touching this. You do you.

Jesus Christ, what a shitty neutrino bomb. it's a miracle I actually ever destroy anything.

Oh, I don't know. You managed to destroy just about everything today: the villains, the heroes, the lines between them, my childhood...

Thank you. I appreciate it, Morty. I know you were sucking the Kool-Aid out of the Vindicators' dicks, so the fact that I was right about them must be pretty hard to admit.

Yeah, it is. You know why, Rick? Because when you're an asshole, it doesn't matter how right you are, nobody wants to give you the satisfaction.

I know. Everyone wants people they like to be right. That's why popular people are fucking dumb. And why your pretentious, poorly written, high-budget friends back there can eat a double-decker shit sandwich. [the bomb powers down] Disarmed.

Holy shit, you're jealous!

Supernova

Yes! Is that what you want to hear?!

Did it feel good?! Did you like his six million wriggling legs more than my tragedy-stricken, half-ghost, half-tumescent PENIS?!

Guys, stop! You're just proving my asshole grandpa right!

Supernova

You wish this was about sex! We loved each other! We had a child together...

WHAT?!

Supernova

[crying] I conceived a child with Million Ants, AND IT DIED INSIDE ME BECAUSE IT WAS HALF A MILLION ANTS AND HALF COLLAPSING STAR! And yes - he was better than you!

Yeah?!

[morphs into a large tentacled form] One million times better!

ALL ABOOOOOOARD, MOTHERFUCKER!!! [tries to punch Million Ants, who disperses to avoid it]

Supernova

STOP!

Oof! Didn't see that comin'.

Supernova

Is that sarcasm?! [conjures handcuffs onto Rick and Morty] I don't want you slipping away then this is over! All of these deaths are on your hands!

Oh, come on, maybe a couple of them, but definitely not the train guy--

Supernova

All of them.

[pained] Okayyy...

Just stay put, sweetie! Mom's still on hold!

Morphizer Customer Service Worker. How may I help you?

Yes, I'm having a little trouble with one of your machines.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, ma'am. Do you see a little compartment on the side of the machine?

Let me check.... Yes, got it.

Mom?

Great! Now, do you see the little button next to it?

I do.

Give that button a push.

Okay. [pushes button]

Mom, listen to me--

WE'RE FREE! [the Morphizer Customer Service Workers run out of Rick's machine]

Okay, so I pushed the button, and three little men ran out. What do I do next? … Hello? I think we got disconnected-- [Morty angrily snatches Beth's phone, throws it onto the pavement and stamps on it] Morty!

Don't "Morty" me! I tricked Rick into taking Dad on an adventure because I thought I could get a break from this kind of shit! But no! Like father, like goddamn daughter! You wanna be like Rick?! Congratulations! You're just as arrogant and just as irresponsible!

[pops up] Everything okay here?

Mind your own goddamn business, Gene! I'm having a conversation with my mother here! [Gene walks away] Kissing Rick's ass isn't gonna make him stay, Mom, but it will help you lose everyone else.

Like I lost Summer.

Hey, you haven't lost her yet.

No, I definitely did. She's gone.

[looks at the crashed garage] Goddammit!

The division I see is between the Ricks and Mortys that like the Citadel divided, and the rest of us. I see it everywhere I go. I see it in our schools, where they teach Mortys we're all the same because they're threatened by what makes us unique. I see it in our streets, where they give guns to Mortys so we're too busy fighting each other to fight real injustice. I see it in our factories, where Ricks work for a fraction of their boss's salary even though they're identical and have the same IQ. The Citadel's problem isn't homeless Mortys or outraged Ricks, the Citadel's problem is the Ricks and Mortys feeding on the Citadel's death. But I've got a message for them, from the Ricks and Mortys keeping it alive. A message from the Ricks and Mortys that believe in this Citadel to the Ricks and Mortys that don't: You're outnumbered!

Holy shit! I don't believe it! I-- I can't believe it!

I know. That's why you're fired.

I... think I understand. "Up to something," "lives on the moon." Okay, I'll talk to him.

What did he say?

Denied the moon stuff, but that's what pedophiles do. They deny, it's their bread and butter.

[shocked] "Pedophile"?!

You don't think so? I thought the moon thing might have been code.

No, he's literally from the moon!

Well, you saw him react. Moon or not, that dude likes 'em young.

Hey, how come I was able to see those other people's memories? I wouldn't've been around for that.

Yeah, sometimes I have to do a little editing, Morty. You know, it helps the Mind Blowers play a little bit better upon revisiting.

Holy shit! How many of these are just horrible mistakes I've made? I mean, maybe I'd stop making so many if I let myself learn from them!

Don't break your back creating a lesson, Morty. It's a free-form anthology, I'm getting annoyed you're not hearing that.

What are you doing?

You want your shelf level or not?

And if I say "yes", you're gonna provide that for me with that?

Yes, see the bubble?

[snatches the level] I'm familiar with the bubble, Morty! I also dabble in precision, and if you think you can even approach it with your sad, naked caveman eyeball and a bubble of fucking air, you're the reason this species is a failure, [snaps it in two] and it makes me angry!

You're drunk.

Here's the adventure: some kind of alien goo-ga has infested the Kennedy Sex Tunnels. I want it hunted down and taken out.

"Kennedy Sex Tunnels"?

Naturally you'll forget you saw them, along with, in order of national embarrassment: the Truman Cocaine Lounge, the McKinley Hooker Dump, and the Lincoln Slave Colosseum. He didn't free them all. And let me know when you're done.

Maybe then we can get a selfie?

Too busy, Morty! [to his aides] Now tell me about this summit, is it a peace one or a regular one?

We've been preparing for a Rick-level eventuality for some time.

You mean you've been ordering other people to prepare for it while you sat on your ass at peace summits.

Peace summits are important!

Oh yeah, they work great. We're really drowning in peace. You suck!

YOU suck!