Rick quotes from Rick and Morty

Hey, how come I was able to see those other people's memories? I wouldn't've been around for that.

Yeah, sometimes I have to do a little editing, Morty. You know, it helps the Mind Blowers play a little bit better upon revisiting.

Holy shit! How many of these are just horrible mistakes I've made? I mean, maybe I'd stop making so many if I let myself learn from them!

Don't break your back creating a lesson, Morty. It's a free-form anthology, I'm getting annoyed you're not hearing that.

What are you doing?

You want your shelf level or not?

And if I say "yes", you're gonna provide that for me with that?

Yes, see the bubble?

[snatches the level] I'm familiar with the bubble, Morty! I also dabble in precision, and if you think you can even approach it with your sad, naked caveman eyeball and a bubble of fucking air, you're the reason this species is a failure, [snaps it in two] and it makes me angry!

You're drunk.

Huh. Well, here's the problem right here. We've got a bunch of Froopy Land procedural carbons all gummed up and mixed in with real human DNA.

Are you saying Tommy survived here by having sex with Froopy creatures, creating Froopy-human hybrid offspring and then consuming their proteins, sustaining himself with an endless cycle of cannibalistic incest?

It's just a working theory. Of course, if that's the case, I'd expect he'd be worshipped as a kind of god by a medieval-level society of his least delicious children.

Halt! You are now prisoners of our exalted ruler, giver and taker of life, humper and consumer of mortality, dispenser of life—

Guys, if I could interrupt? We're way ahead of the reveal here.

Yeah, just take us to King Tommy.

You were a scary fuckin' kid, man!

[exasperated] Oh my God...!

I didn't make Froopyland to get rid of you, Beth. I did it to protect the neighborhood. Not in a [belch] noble sense. It was just more practical to sequester you before I had to start, you know, cloning a replacement for every less-than-polite little boy or gullible animal that might cross your socio-path.

You would rather believe I'm evil than admit that you were a bad father?!

Oh, dude, no! No, bad father all the way to the max over here. I'm a fuckin' nutcase. And the acorn plopped straight down, baby! [pulls large cardboard box from under workbench] Look at some of the shit you were asking me to make you as a kid. [pulls items out of box in turn] Ray guns. A whip that forces people to like you. Invisibility cuffs. A parent trap. A lightning gun. A teddy bear with anatomically correct innards. Night-vision googly eyeglasses. Sound-erasing sneakers. False fingerprints. Fall-asleep darts. A lie-detecting doll. An indestructible baseball bat. A taser shaped like a ladybug. A fake police badge. Location-tracking stickers. Rainbow-colored duct tape. Mind control hairclips. Poison gum. A pink sentient switchblade.

[enthusiastically chirpy] Hi, Beth! You've gotten taller! Shall we resume stabbing?!

Dad? I feel like I've spent my life pretending you're a great guy and trying to be like you. And the ugly truth has always been--

That I'm not that great a guy and you're exactly like me.

Am I evil?

Worse, you're smart. When you know nothing matters, the universe is yours. And I've never met a universe that was into it. The universe is basically an animal, it grazes on the ordinary. It creates infinite idiots, just to eat them, not unlike your friend Timmy.

Tommy.

Yeah, it hardly matters now, sweetie. You know, smart people get a chance to climb on top, take reality for a ride, but it'll never stop trying to throw you. And eventually, it will. There's no other way off.

Dad, I'm out of excuses to not be who I am. So who am I? What do I do?

My advice? Take off. Put a saddle on your universe. Let it kick itself out.

I can't do that. The kids, Jerry, my job, and, as much as I hate to admit it, ABC's The Bachelor--

I can make a clone of you. A perfect instance of you, with all your memories. An exact copy in every way. It'll love and provide for the kids, do your job, and consume broadcast-network reality TV on the same allegedly ironic level as you. You could be gone a day, a week, or the rest of your life with zero consequences. The moment you decide to come back, I flip a switch, and the clone's job is done. It feels no pain, it regrets nothing, and has zero chance of going Blade Runner.

If nothing matters, why would you do that for me?

I don't know, maybe you matter so little that I like you. Or maybe it makes you matter. Maybe I love you. Maybe something about your mother. Don't jump a gift shark in the mouth.

I don't know if I can do it.

Then stay, and luxuriate in a life you can finally know you've chosen. My secret bonus is that no matter what you choose, you're finally gonna chill the fuck out.

[Beep] Hey, Jerry, it's Kiara. Listen, my boyfriend saw those texts you've been sending me, and he got pretty pissed off. If he calls you, just ignore him! [Beep]

[Beep] This is Carmox. I have intercepted sexual communications between you and my new girlfriend, Kiara. I am coming to kill you now! [Beep]

[Beep] Yo, Jerry, it's the Big R. Uh, I killed that alien that was coming after ya. Looking out for ya, buddy. [Beep]

[Beep] Hey, Jerry, it's Rick. Don't be mad. I fucked your ex-girlfriend Kiara.

Who are you talking to, Rick?

Doesn't Matter. [Beep]

[Beep] Hey, Jerry, this is Michael down at The Antique Phone rentals. Um, I'm gonna go ahead and let you off the hook for the $70 late fee. You can go ahead and keep that answering machine. Nobody really uses those anymore except for exposition on TV shows, anyways. [Click]

Jesus! He's not a fucking god!

You don't know what I am! And you don't know what I can do!

Jeez, it's... it's cool, Rick--

I'm Doctor Who in this motherfucker! I could be a clone! I could be a hologram! We could be clones controlled by robots controlled with special headsets that the real Rick and Morty are wearing while they're fucking your MOTHER!

[enraged] I'm going to KILL YOU!

Then come to 312 Olive Street!

[worried] Is that her address?

You don't know, because you're a bad son!

Who are they?

Crystal poachers. There's no lower form of life. They think the galaxy's their own personal piggy bank.

Wait, then, what are we?

We are Rick and Morty.

Oh, hey, this fucking ferrofluid's wrapping around my legs. Fuck... I can feel! I have mass! I'M A FUCKING GOD NOW! YOU'RE FUCKED!

What the fuck?! I-I thought you were proud to be a hologram!

THAT'S 'CAUSE I HAD TO FUCKING BE ONE! [after a brief fight, Wasp Rick stings him in the eye] SHIT! [he screams as wasp offspring overrun his head and make it explode]

There's a lesson here, and... I'm not the one that's gonna figure it out.

Hey, uh, sorry I didn't listen to you and... tried to kill the whole world and stuff. Guess I gotta learn how to live in the moment a little more.

Oh boy, so you actually learned something today? What is this, Full House? I was living in the moment all day, and it kept getting me killed by Nazis. I think you have to think ahead and live in the moment.

Jerry

Oh, real nice, Rick. Turning our son into an Akira? Real nice.

Eat my ass, Jerry! He turned himself into Akira!

Jerry

Oh-ho, I'll eat it! Because this is my house, Rick! I'll eat any ass I want!

Gross.

Well, it’s time I go on a solo adventure, and this time, it won’t involve Ron Howard. [leaves the room]

Summer

[speaking quickly and excitedly] He's gonna go poop. When he pats his belly like that and Morty doesn't go, it means he has to poop. He’s a shy pooper. He has his own secret place to poop.

[from offscreen] Man, fuck you, Summer!

Hey, ape-man? I hope this was worth making a whole swarm of enemies.

It will be... when I find whoever shit in my toilet.

Is that... code for something? Someone look that up! If that's drug slang, I need to know it!

You couldn't have done that earlier?!

I was eating, and you're dirty.