Rick quotes from Rick and Morty

[first lines] Morty! You gotta come on. Jus'... you gotta come with me.

Oh, Rick. What's going on?

I've got a surprise for you, Morty.

Th-th-th-that's absolutely crazy!

Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty, it's gonna be good.

I don't care about Jessica! [grunts]

You're right, Morty, you're right.

That's it… that's it, Rick! I'm taking the wheel!

Get off with me, Morty!

[shoots portal] There she is. Alright, c'mon, Morty, let's go.

Oh jeez, okay. [...] Woah, Rick! What is this place?

It's Dimension 35C, and it's got the perfect climate conditions for a special type of— TREE, Morty! Called the Mega tree! And there's fruit in those trees, and there's seeds in those fruits. I'm talking about Mega seeds, th—ther—they're incredibly powerful and I need 'em to h[burps]-elp me with my research, Morty.

Oh man, Rick! I'm looking around this place, and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing!

All right, all right, calm down. Listen to me, Morty. I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're lookin' around, and it's all scary and different, but y'know... m-meeting them head-on, charging into 'em like a bull—that's how we grow as people. I'm no stranger to scary situations, I deal with them all the time. Now if you just stick with me, Morty, [a horrific alien monstrosity approaches behind] we're gonna be— HOLY CRAP, MORTY, RUN!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, MORTY, RUN!! I-I'VE NEVER SEEN THAT THING BEFORE IN MY LIFE, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE HELL IT IS!! WE-WE GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE, MORTY, IT'S GONNA KILL US!!! WE'RE GONNA DIE!!! WE'RE GONNA DIE, MORTY!!!

Holy cow, Rick! I didn't know hanging out with you was making me smarter!

Full disclosure, Morty—it's not. Temporary superintelligence is just a side effect of the Megaseeds dissolving in your rectal cavity.

Aw, man!

Yeah. And once those seeds weahh-wear off, you're gonna lose most of your motor skills and... you're also gonna lose a significant amount of brain functionality for 72 hours, Morty. [checks arm watches] Starting ruh-ight about now.

Ohh, man! Ohh, ohhh geez!! Ohh... [falls down]

I'm sorry, Morty. It's a bummer. In reality, you're as dumb as they come. And I needed those seeds real bad and I have to give 'em up just to get your parents off my back! So now we're gonna have to go get more! And then we're gonna go on even more adventures after that, Morty! And you're gonna keep your mouth shut about it, Morty! Because the world is full of idiots that don't understand what's important, and they'll tear us apart, Morty! But if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things, Morty, and you're gonna be part of 'em! And together we're gonna run around, Morty, we're gonna- do all of kinds of wonderful things, Morty. Just you and me, Morty.

[gurgling] No, no, no....

The outside world is our enemy, Morty! We're the only fehh-friends we got, Morty! It's just Rick and Morty! Ruh-ick and Morty and their adventures, Morty! Rick and Morty forever and forever, 100 years, Rick and Morty's things! Me and Rick and Morty running around and... Rick and Morty time! All day long, forever... all- a hundred days! Rick and Morty forever a hundred times! Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. rickandmorty.com. rickandmortyadventures. All 100 years. Every minute, rickandmorty.com. [closing garage door inside] 100timesrickandmorty.com.

Boy, you're really gonna flip your lid over this one.

Oh, w-wh... what is it?

It's a device, Morty, that when you put it in your ear, you can enter people's dreams, Morty. It's just like that movie you keep crowing about!

You're talking about Inception?

That's right, Morty! This is gonna be a lot like that, except, y'know, it's gonna me-beh... make sense.

Inception made sense!

You don't have to try and impress me, Morty! Listen: tonight, we're gonna go into the home of your math teacher, Mr. Goldenfold, and we-we're gonna incept the idea in his brain to give you A's in math, Morty. That way you can... you know, y-you're gonna help me with my science, Morty, all the time.

Geez, Rick. In the time it took you to make this thing, couldn't you have just, you know, helped me with my homework?

Are you listening to me, Morty?! Homework is stupid! The whole point is to get less of it!

[throttles Morty] Who are you?! Answer me! Where'd you come from?!

My-my-my grandpa Rick sent me!

Poncho! That's quite enough. [Poncho drops him down] Morty, that's Poncho. This is Roger and Annie. [closeup on Annie]

Whoa...

And I am Dr. Xenon Bloom.

Uh— [a miniature speaker pops out of the neck of his helmet]

[via speaker] "Hey, Bloom, it's Rick. What the hell's going on here?"

I don't know why, but the entire security system has shut down, and I'm afraid... the exhibits are unlocked.

Exhibits? [the group walk out of the Haunted Liver]

Anatomy Park's greatest attraction, young man, isn't the music or the food or the... Pirates of the Pancreas.

"Watch it!"

It is, first and foremost, a living museum of humanity's most noble and ferocious diseases.

Diseases?! [ominous growling is heard]

Hey, Doc... I got news for ya! [a gigantic hideous monstrosity looms the area] Your living museum is officially a wild safari! [starts shooting at it]

Hepatitis A! Run!!

Rick! [Rick pushes clothes in sewer]

Uhp-uhp-uhp! Morty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Morty. Do you really think this wuh-world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look, that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs.

I dunno, Rick, I mean, I've seen people do that before.

Well, look at that old lady. She's-she's walking a cat on a leash.

Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick.

Look, I-I-I don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Morty! She's an idiot! All right, all right, there. Wh-what about that, Morty? [see an anthropomorphic Pop-Tart leaving his toaster home on his toaster car]

Okay, okay, you got me on that one.

Oh, really, Morty? Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before?

No, no, I haven't seen that. I mean, why would a Pop-Tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick? I mean, th-that would be like the scariest place for them to live. Y'know what I mean?

You're missing the point, Morty. Why would he drive a smaller toaster with whsdkeels? I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No.

So, why are they doing this? W-what do they want?

Well, that would be obvious to you, Morty, if you'd been paying attention.

We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die! [Rick shuts doors]

Concentrated dark matter? They were asking about that in class.

Yeah, it's a special fuel I invented to travel through space faster than anybody else. These Zigerions are always trying to scam me out of my secrets, but they made a big mistake this time, Morty. They dragged you into this. Now they're gonna pay!

What do you— w-w-what are we gonna do?

We're gonna scam the scammers, Morty. And we're gonna take 'em for everything they've got.

Jerry

Wow! What the hell?! What happened back there?!

Why don't you ask the smartest people in the universe, Jerry? Oh yeah, you can't. They blew up.

[holding up the device and smiling] Y-You know, these demonic alien spirits are really valuable! [Morty vomits as Rick glances at him and puts the box away] You okay, Morty? Told you not to trust that tuna.

I just killed my family! I don’t care what they were!

I dunno, Morty. Some people would pay top dollar for that kinda breakthrough.

Y'know what, Rick?! That's it! I'm done with these i-insane adventures! That was really traumatizing! I quit! I'm out!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Come on, Morty! Do-don't-don't be like that! The universe is a crazy, chaotic place!

You're the one that's crazy and chaotic! Adventures are supposed to be simple and fun!

Oh yeah, Morty, yeah, re— Yeah, th-that's real easy to say from the sidekick position, but-but, uhh... how about next time you be in charge, and then we'll... talk about how simple and fun it is?

Seriously, Rick? Y-Y-You'll let me... call the shots?

Okay, yeah, fine! But let's make it interesting, Morty. I-I-I-If your adventure sucks and we bail halfway through it, you lose the right to bitch about all future adventures. Plus, you have to do my laundry for a month.

Okay. All right, tough guy. But if my adventure's good, I get to be in charge of every third adventure.

Every tenth.

Deal. All right, w-well, come on! Let's get going! [Beth comes in]

Dad, the dishwasher's doing that thing again.

Washing dishes?

No! The opposite. Can you fix it? [Summer comes in]

Summer

Grandpa Rick! Can you help me with my science homework?

Yeah, d— Just don't do it.

Summer

Grandpa! [Jerry comes in]

Jerry

Hey, Rick, you got some kind of hand-shaped device that can open this mayonnaise jar?

Wow, hat trick. All right, Morty, let's put a pin in this, I gotta help your pathetic family.

Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say! Bahhk-bahk-bahk-bahk!

Oh, Morty, y-you done did it this time. It's on. I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart. As for you ding-dongs... [rummages box and holds a cube] this is a Meeseeks Box. Let me show you how it works. You press this— [a blue man poofs out of nowhere]

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me!

You make a request— Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar.

Yessiree!

—the Meeseeks fulfils the request... [Meeseeks opens jar]

All done!

Jerry

Wow!

—and then it stops existing. [Meeseeks poofs away]

Summer

Oh, my God! He exploded!

Trust me, they're fine with it. Knock yourselves out. Just... eh-keep your requests simple. They're not gahh-ods.

All right, g-get outta here now! Everybody outta here! I got a bet to win!

Hey look, we get it. You're little, you're down on your luck, you think "Hey, he's a giant. Why don't we break into his home, rob him and murder him?!"

Th-th— But that's not how it went down!

Oh well, it's going down like that. You're both going down like that.

Ooh, boy, Morty, you're really showing me how it's done. Reehh-al straightforward and fun.

Jerry

Meh, try not to worry about it, Morty. You're a good kid. And there's not a premium on that right now, but you'll be getting girls sometime after Brad's out of shape.

You're missing the point, Dad... I don't want girls. I want Jessica!

Jerry

Ah, well... I remember feeling that way about a young lady named "your mom". And that's not an urban diss—your mom was my Jessica. I remember the first time I saw her. I thought...

[opens cupboard] "I should get her pregnant, then she'll have to marry me."

Jerry

I beg your pardon, Rick. Inappropriate.

[rummages freezer and fridge] Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school. I'm not sure you wanna take romantic advice from this guy, Morty. His marriage is hanging from a thread.

Jerry

My marriage is FINE, thank you.

Jerry, it's your house, whatever you say it is how it is, but I think a blind man could see that Beth is looking for the door. I barely have a reason to care and even I noticed.

C'mon, Rick! Don't talk about my parents like that!

Listen, Morty, I hate to break it to you, but what people call "love" is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. It hits hard, Morty, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it. Your parents are gonna do it. Break the cycle, Morty. Rise above. Focus on science.

Alright, Morty, I just gotta erhp combine it with some of your DNA.

Oh well, okay. [unzips]

A hair, Morty. I need one of your hairs. This isn't Game of Thrones. [pluck]

Ow!!

Boy, Morty, I really Cronenberg-ed the world up, didn't I? We got a... whole planet of Cronenbergs walkin' around down there, Morty. A-At least they're not in love with you anymore, though, that's a huge step in the right direction.

Oh, my god! It's a living nightmare! How could you be so irresponsible, Rick?!

ME irresponsible?! You-- All I wanted you to do was hand me a screwdriver, Morty! You're the one who wanted to be-- Wanted me to buckle down and make you up a... roofie-juice serum, so you could roofie that poor girl at your school! [stammering] I mean, w-w-w-w-w w-- Are you kidding me, Morty?! You're gonna try to take the high road on this one?! Y-y-y-y-you're a little creep, Morty! Y-you're a-- You're-you're-you're just a little creepy... creep person!

All right, fine! I should have just listened to you when you refused to make the serum. I'm willing to accept my part of the blame for this, Rick. But I'll tell you something, you know what?! You gotta accept your part of the blame! I'm not the one who fouled up the serum! I'm not the one who-who-who-who haphazardly, y'know, mixed a bunch of nonsense together and created a bunch of CRONENBERGS! You gotta fix this, Rick!