Rick quotes from Rick and Morty

If you're seeing this, you're me - except, you know, less. But you acted like you were better, so I killed your beloved Diane. Partly to devastate you, mostly so I only have to record one message. Some of you may have noticed that it's not just your Diane that's gone. She’s also been erased from every universe across infinity. And you might be wondering why.

I'd rather hear how.

Diane was wiped from all existence by the Weapon Too Cool for a Name...

The Omega Device.

...known to inferiors as the Omega Device.

I heard the name from an inferior.

I upgraded this thing, by the way. This new version can fire more than once. So now I can erase your family, one by one, until you finally learn your lesson! Which you won't, so then I'll kill you too... I'll do that the old fashioned way. Okay, family-killin' time! Let's start small - still family, though.

Where am I?! Two Ricks?! Where's my wife?! I was just with my wife!

Uncle Slow!

What the-- "Uncle Slow"? Slow Mobius?

Yeah, this one hurts me, too.

[slow motion, tearing up] NOOOOOOOOO!

[mouthing in slow motion] What the fuck?

Kind of the worst possible time to use his powers! He just made the death happen slower!

I'LL KILL YOU! [charges Rick Prime]

Okay, I think I'm getting the pic-- [gets shocked by a device linked to his forehead] OW! Frying my backups. Smart. So you're, like, an "Evil" Morty? A clever one? [gets shocked again] OW! All right, never been a sidekick guy, but I'm starting to see the value. You want a job? We could be like Batman and Robin.

Eh. I don't need a Robin.

[gets shocked again] Okay, seriously, what is this? Wha-What, are you gonna "aw jeez" me to death? [as Evil Morty accesses the Omega Device] Oh, you don't want those schematics, buddy. Those are for grownups.

Uh-huh. [drags in a mangled Rick and revives him]

Oh, isn't this great? Okay, all right, I get it.

[coughs and groans] What? [sees Rick Prime] Oh shit...

[nodding] Mm-hmm. Knock yourself out. [leaves]

Listen! Rick to Rick - he's got the weapon plans. Buddy! Nip this in the bud! He's fourteen, what's gonna happen the next time he gets mad at Grandpa?!

[laughs] Let's do this, then!

You're welcome, by the way! I made you! I showed you infinity! And what did you do with it?! Hang out with my grandson?! Raise echoes of my daughter?! [laughs] What's your life without me?!

Let's find out.

[coughing and laughing] Admit it! You would've been me! I just walked into your garage before you walked into mine! But eventually, you did! YOU LIVED IN MY HOUSE!

There's our guy.

Rick! I-Is it over? I-Is... is he...?

Not exactly an "alive" amount of blood. How's it feel? Better? No? Exactly the same? Yeah, it always does. Hope you're happy with your choice.

Fuck off!

I'm gonna. Just don't force me to improve on the design. I can end the Rick experiment any time I want.

Why threaten? Why not just do it?

Because using a weapon like this doesn't get you left alone, Morty. Think I want a bunch of vengeful Summers coming after me? You are a little different though, Rick. Maybe I can use that someday. [activates a yellow portal] Seriously, though – fuck you. Don't come after me. It won't go well. [leaves through it]

Halt, unidentified adventurers!

We are the guardians of this sanctuary! One of us tells only truths. The other only lies.

You ever fuck this guy's wife?

Yes. Well, how about that, he guessed right...

[lifting his axe] I forgive you!

Morty, that was just an old man rambling at us.

People died, Rick!

So, by your logic, 9/11 was an adventure? Tweet it, see who agrees.

Very well! Bear witness to 9/11!

NO!

You know what? I say we leave this thing in the street, deny any involvement, and just hope this blows over. Unless, of course, they play this exact clip on a screen in front of a jury with some kind of built-in bias.

As an Observer, I try to stay impartial, but I am not seeing innocence!

I did it, Morty! I killed the version of us that were in Space Jam! Help me with the bodies!

Wow! How'd you do it, Rick?

It was easy, Morty! Th-- They welcomed death! They wanted out, Morty!

No, no, no, you don't get it! They begged me! It was a kindness!

[to Rick and Morty] Was that helpful?

It was for the prosecution!

What do you say, Rick? Fly through space, come upon something, maybe I have a moral objection, stuff gets messy and you ultimately bail us out?

Let's take it for a spin! Rick and Morty, we're back, baby!

Where are my kids?

Merged.

That doesn't answer my question, and raises several others.

Oh shit, psychic warfare!

Summer

What?!

Hold on. Grandpa's got this...

Oh shit, run! [the thugs flee]

Summer

Whoa, psychic grandpa.

No, look. [removes a concealed device from his head] Fake temple with a high-pitch noise maker. Run before these guys figure it out!

[watching on monitors] He's a fake, you morons! Like most psychics! Kill them!

Summer

"Check this out"?

Yeah, window jump. Try to say it's my first Taken now.

Summer

It's your first Taken.

I'm getting my groove back!

You heard him, boys! Kill him before he gets his groove!

Summer

None of this would've happened if you had just unmerged us when I asked! Morty gets everything for free!

Morty's a dog! People have cats because their affection is earned! I treat you like an equal because I respect you! You... remind me of your grandmother.

Jerry

Great, so there's a Heaven! Glad you could learn that by murdering me eight times!

He's got kind of a point, Rick. If you wanna get into heaven, can't you just stop being an asshole?

First of all, I don't wanna "get into" anywhere. I wanna tap this para-dimension's energy. Secondly, you wouldn't catch me dead in Jerry's generic-ass 1980s concrete-and-fog-machine Heaven.

Jerry

Well guess what? You aren't welcome there!

You raise a good point, Jerry. Obviously by accident, my intact consciousness is too atheistic to get channeled to any afterlife worth robbing. It's a paradox. Unless... Morty, pack your parka. We're going to Norway.

Ugh...

Or I could augment your skin with subdermal heaters--

I'll pack a parka!

Jesus Christ, Rick, just apologize! Y-You assumed Bigfoot was dumb, which was dumb of you!

[ashamed] You're right, Morty. Underestimating people only gives them the high ground.

[tapping his wrist gauntlet to speak] Admit why you bullied me.

Because I thought it was funny that you were stupid.

People are intelligent in different ways.

I know, I know. I-I'm clearly stupid at knowing when other people are smart. [Bigfoot grips him in both hands] Listen, I-I know you can't tap your gauntlet, but I-I'll take a guess at what you're saying: you hate me for torturing you to get what I want--

Rick!

But I only used you to kill myself! How many people have you killed for the Pope?!

Huh?

Help me stop him and I'll make it right. [Bigfoot puts him down] For starters, here. [tampers with Bigfoot's speech gauntlet with a screwdriver]

[in a deeper voice] Ow! That hurt. [smiling] Wait a second...!

Yeah, hands-free. Also upgraded that voice.

Thank you! [in Don LaFontaine style] "In a world where time actually is money..."

Oh, I-I-I think I know this movie!

You guys can do this bit at the Vatican. Let's go.