Chief quotes from Rescue Me

Franco

We have sex with woman who ain't our wives and we make every detail available to the other guys.

Tommy

Yeah, well, maybe I'm a gentleman.

Yeah, and I'm growing tits.

Tommy

Hey, you should check a mirror, pal.

Lou

Two grand for a porch?

Franco

Last one we did, we got what, 600 bucks?

Who is this guy? The king of chumps?

Tommy

Nah, some shrink, you know? I figure we get Charlie Walsh's cousin to give us the lumber for what, 300 bones? And we'll divide the rest up. You in?

Lou

Yeah, for that kind of money, I might show up in a tux.

Tommy

Franco?

Franco

In.

Mike

I'll do it.

Tommy

Let me tell you something kid: First time doing a porch job, you work for free.

Lou

Let me clarify further. Not only do you not get paid, you generally do all the work while we sit around drinking beer and shooting the shit.

Tommy

And you gotta buy the beer.

Franco

Yeah, a couple of those suitcase things. MGD is good.

Mike

Guys, I just remembered... I'm busy.

Tommy

Yeah, you're busy helping us queer-bait.

Franco

I was readin' FHM yesterday and they said that the average cock is like six inches long.

Mike

Yeah we're huge! [slaps Sean's hand]

Sean

Huge.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Before you two ponies start swingin' your johnson's around, answer one question for me. Did you measure from the top or bottom?

Tommy

Ooh. A little fly in the ointment.

Did you go from the under carriage, from the ball-sac to the tip?

Sean

Yeah. Yeah, we did.

Well then you might as well have been measuring from the base of your spine because everybody gets at least an inch going the other way. You gotta go from the pubic bone to the tip.

Mike

Ah, no way, that means I'm only like 6 1/2.

Almost.

Mike

Shit.

Sean

I don't know if you're right about that, Chief.

Been there, done this, boys. I got twenty that starts the "biggest dick in the crew" contest. Who wants in?

Mike

You gonna measure yours?

I haven't seen my feet in ten years let alone my dick.

Tommy

Chief, I got a question.

And I think I know what that question is Firefighter Gavin.

Tommy

Really?

Girth?

Tommy

Ha. Exactly.

Sean

Wait. What? Girth.

Tommy

Circumference, asshole.

Lou

That's gonna be a completely different story. I'm gonna double the wager.

[seeing Sean and Mike play Scrabble] Look at this: A meeting of the minds and the minds are a no-show.

Tommy

[looking at the Scrabble board] Hmm. "Tag." "Arm." "It." "Go." That's great guys.

Laura

Why even bother keepin' score?

Mike

[placing tiles on the board] F-E-L-L. Read it and weep.

Sean

Oh, shit. How many points? [Sean and Mike just stare at each other, Mike takes a little time to figure it out]

Mike

Eight.

Well, look at 'ya now huh, just pushin' the pencil, runnin' all over the city makin' sure good guys like my crew here aren't rubbing one off on the city's dime huh?

I'm just doin' what I'm told.

Yeah, and there's a lot of honor in that ain't there, Flinn? (pushes him up against the lockers) Now You can take your little clipboard and go back downtown, back to headquarters and you tell who ever it was that sent you up here that they can kiss my white Irish ass. This is the best group of guys I've ever had the honor of serving with. These guys are gold when it comes to saving people's lives and protecting their property, not to mention the five names on that plaque on that wall out there. Guys that went into those two towers on that day and never came back. So, If within the sacred confines of these four walls, they should wanna look at something else other than that shit, that's fine with me. They wanna smoke, they wanna jerk off, they wanna shove potato chips up their ass, I don't give a shit. As long as they keep gettin' on that rig and goin' out the door and savin' lives, I'll back 'em up.

[looking over towards his guys] What've we got?

There's no porn, sir. No tapes, no magazines.

I'm sorry that it was a wasted trip, now get outta my goddamn quarters.

[to his guys] Let's go.

Make sure down at headquarters you tell 'em Chief Jerry Reilly from the 15th battalion. [After the guys leave, everyone claps] Cut it out, cut it out.

Lou

Nicely done, Chief. Now, lemme ask you a question: Did you really mean what you said about us being able to smoke and jerk off and everything?

Why of course.

Lou

Good, because there's a bag of potato chips in the kitchen with my ass' name all over it.