[about opening a bar] Well, if I'm providing the money, then what are you guys bringing to the table?
SeanDude, I got my associate's degree from Scranton... almost. I would provide the business savvy. You would be the money, I would be the brain's. Got it?
Wait a second, if your dumbass is the brains, then what the hell does that make me?
Sean
Well, we're gonna need a bouncer for sure. I mean, if Mike's the money, and I'm the brains, you would be the brawn.
Why do I gotta be the brawn?
Sean
Well, first of all, Lou told me what you did to that bum in the fire the other day. Secondly, you're Puerto Rican, kinda scary. I mean, who's gonna mess around at a bar with a big, giant scary, Puerto Rican guy standing at the door, y'know? Except maybe other Puerto Ricans, but let's be honest, we're not gonna let them in.
Whatever, man. Give me whatever title you want, I just wanna be around to watch you two humps sink this damn ship.
Sean
Alright, what do you say, Mike?
As long as I get to name the place.
Sean
... No.
Sean
Hey, Tom? Did you hear?
Sean
Mike, Franco and I, we're buyin' a bar.
Uh, correction. Mike bought the bar, and I'm watching Garrity screw it up.
It's gonna be awesome. And if you have any suggestions Tom, we're totally open.
Uh, cool. Yeah, I got a couple. Build it on the edge of a cliff, go inside and start fixing it up and then pay somebody to come along and just push it over the side. It'll save you a lot of time and money.
Yeah, well, that's actually not gonna work 'cause we're opening it in the city.
Alright, quick quiz. You gotta pick one, you gotta lose one. Ball or eye?
Sean
Ball, or no eye. Or... ball. I mean, if you lose an eye, you can't even see your balls, so what's the point of that?
Pause, pause. I have the floor. Ball. It immediately cuts your chances of ball cancer in half.
Sean
That's a good point. I'm gonna go ball.
What if you pick the wrong one?
Sean
Eye. Definitely eye.
Sean
I'm sorry, you bought a lezbo bar? What are you crazy?
Well, it was a lezbo bar a long time ago.
Sean
Well, Mike, the whole reason we're doin' this, the whole reason we're buyin' this bar is because of the pussy vibe.
No, Sean-o's right, it's because of the pussy.
Sean
Yeah, and now you stuck us with a place that possibly has the wrong pussy vibe...
Is there any pussy vibe that's wrong?
And you know what? The Realtor said that years ago this whole building was a gynecologist's office.
Sean
Okay, now, I gotta rethink the whole pussy vibe thing. Maybe it was a gynecologist's office longer than it was a lezbo bar. Which then, the good pussy vibe might counteract the bad.
I've waited my whole life for this. We're actually having a discussion about pussy Feng-Shui.
Thomas, you're just in time for another in a series of gripping exchanges and deep thought and personal wisdom.
What are we talkin' about?
Today's topic is the most number of times they've masturbated in one day.
Yeah, I'm 7, Sean's 4. Lou?
Sean
Just 3?
Well, it's only 8:30, the day's young. I'd go for 4, but I'm doing food prep.
Sean
Well, yeah, but it takes a little longer now, I mean, the older you get... don't you need more time in between... you know...
Sean
Well, I mean, that's if you get technical, I was gonna say jizzes.
We did have a kid in the old neighborhood, Bobby Morgan, claimed he jacked off 17 times in one 24 hour period.
Sean
No way.
17 times, is that even possible?
Well, even more amazing than that, it was a school day.
Sean
Shit, 17 times.
Yeah, he said the last time, it pretty much just came out air.
Sean
So his cock farted? I mean, come on, if it comes out air, it's a fart.
[about his hearing] You know guys, I'm sure you're aware, if this doesn't go my way, which I'm sure it won't, they're gonna put me on immediate light duty and the odds are that I'm not gonna be comin' back to the firehouse. I just wanted to say--
MSMike, Sean, Franco
[at the same time] Nah, nah, Tommy. We feel that same way. It's been an honor working with you.
Lemme just get this out of the way, and say it out loud, as firefighters, it's like a football team, y'know our pluses and minuses balanced out and we made a great team, we really did. And I felt really safe working with you guys, and you saved my ass many times and vice versa. But... you know, I felt blessed, and the other thing that I wanted to say... [they all tell him he doesn't have to] Let me just say this stuff, very quickly because it needs to be said, in case the guy that comes in and stands in my shoes doesn't put it out on the table, I'll do it for him. #1, you're a moron. [points to Sean] Don't argue with me, because you proved it in spades when you married my goddamn sister, okay? [Mike laughs] What are you laughin' about? Because if he's a moron, you're the king of the morons. Don't give me the look... Do me a favor, spell "moron".
Okay, spell what? [they laugh]
Franco, I really, wished you weren't the guy who laughed the hardest at that because, if you took one iota of energy that you spend everyday chasin' pussy and you put into somethin' good, like I don't know, helpin' mankind, I'm pretty sure at this point we'd have stitched up the whole in the ozone layers, there'd be no more wars, and this party would be in a bar owned by you and the planet Neptune. [to Black Shawn] You, can't really say too much about you, because I don't know well enough and it wouldn't be fair to judge you. But, life's unfair, so let me get it out of the way, you probably suck, too. [points to Lou] And this, my best friend, who is not only a loser with women and a giant slob, but a goddamn lush. [Lou nods] Case closed. So what does that say about me? Good luck, guys. See 'ya later.
What did you wanna talk to me about?
Uh, I just wanted to say that, your mother and I... we're very proud of you, and we think Shawn's great.
Yes, and the being black thing, doesn't bother us at all. I mean, I think we've raised you kids with that color, creed, religion, you know... none of that stuff, you know, doesn't matter to us. And... you know, love, it's a big thing... it's... you know, it-- it, it just happens. And I think it's kinda important to... you know... What?
There's no problem, honey, I just wanna... okay... If you were gonna buy a car, you'd test drive it, that's what I'm tryin' to say.
No, no, listen. If you were gonna test drive a car, you'd take it out and you'd drive it around, and you'd maybe take it on the highway...
Sean
[walks up]: Hey, Col, how are 'ya? You're gonna buy a car so I hear? Y'know my friend, Mark, is gettin' rid of this old--
Y'know, she's all set, she's got a car. That's nice though. Thanks. [Sean walks off, Tommy continues his thought before Sean interrupted] Listen, I just think you know, it's important that the parts... fit.
You know the parts, and don't make me say the parts, you--
Sean
[overhearing]: You guys aren't talkin' about cars, are you? [Tommy makes a face, and Sean walks off]
Are you actually tellin' me to have sex with Shawn?
No... kinda... yeah. I'm just sayin' that I don't think it's such a bad idea for you to do it, okay? You don't have to do the whole thing... just y'know, do the Clinton thing, you don't have to go all the way--
Honey, what? I thought that would be easier.
Dad! Dad, are you tellin' me to-- Oh, my God.
I'm not tellin' you anything, what? What? It's a suggestion, I'm suggesting some stuff to help you with your--
Sean: I’m so full of shit now, really
Finally, a moment of self-awareness
Sean
No, seriously, I haven’t taken a shit in like five days. I’m really getting backed up. I feel like I have a shit turduckin sitting in my colon.
MMikey
What’s a turduckin dude? I mean I get the turd part, but -
Fancy poultry thing. It’s a chicken jammed inside a duck jammed inside a turkey.
Sean
Yeah, except in my case it’s a shit jammed inside a bigger shit jammed inside a really big shit.
Okay, never thought I’d say this, but can we go back to the twins?
Alright, here’s my theory: I think there’s some guy with this super twin producing sperm, running around Hollywood impregnating all these broads.
Sean
Who? Who is it?
Here’s one way to find him, look for a guy with four balls.
MMikey
Four balls, how do you think he deals with the chaffing issues?
Well, I have another theory and that theory involves fact that I think this guy put some of the celebrity baby money into design and construction of the special ball harness.
Sean
Oooh, like a basket.
And with that gentlemen, I bid you adieu.
Sean
Do you think it's possible to die of shit poisoning? You know like if your shit backs up and you haven't shit for days and days and days? Do you just die or does it have to come out eventually? Because if so, I'm going to have invest in some earplugs.
Well, have you thought about getting your kidneys checked out?
Sean
What's that supposed to mean?
I'm just saying think I they have something to do with your waste functions. You might have a problem, you know?
Sean
Yeah? Well maybe you've got a problem, asshole, talking about other people's functions. What are you, a doctor?
Sean
Yeah, well shut your mouth.
Maybe ought to shut yours, shit's starting to come out of it.
Sean
Yeah, I wish.
Oh, the baby's fine. [Sheila has a blank look on her face and sits back in her seat] Okay, okay, so what just happened? What was that?
What? Th-That look on your face.
Hm, what? Did I have a look?
[looks to the side] Oh, you know what? It was probably the look of, um, disbelief.
Yeah, it was disbelief in reaction to that, uh, strange little smile that crossed your face when I asked you about the baby. [Janet gives her a look] Don't even try to act like you didn't have a little smile on your sour little puss before you answered my question about the baby.
I-I don't even know why I bother to be nice to you.
[laughs] I'm sorry. Was that you being nice to me? Why don't you go to hell, Janet?
Aren't you already there?
[Sheila stops and looks at Janet. Sheila then picks up her cell phone and sends a text to Janet. Janet's cell phone rings and she picks it up]
Sean
[walks in] Hey!
Sean
Hey, ladies. Wow. Fancy meeting you two here. What are the odds that the two of you be here at exactly the same time? Huh? It's really-- [laughs and pauses] I'm not interrupting anything, am I?
Sean
Oh, good, good. Oh, hey! Is that the new cell phone everyone's talkin' about? That's awesome! [Sean picks up Janet's cell] What's a cunf? [Sean laughs nervously, they are all silent] I, uh, just came by to say hi to the guys, so, I'm actually late so I'm gonna-- I'm gonna pick up my watch-- I left it at the, uh.. It's good to see you both. So, you look great. Both of you.
Oh, hey! I'm glad you're feeling better!
Sean
Thanks.
[Janet taps her fingers on the table and then picks up her cell phone and texts Sheila]
In my heaven, every man that's ever done this job and laid down his life in the line of duty, like the 343 from 9/11, they get the best seats in the house.
...
DDamien
Do you believe in heaven?
Sean
What's heaven like for you?
Free hot doughnuts on floating trays.
Sean
Is she singing?
No, she's not singing. She's alone. She's just there. She's just kinda loitering, and I'm burning up in flames. They're lickin' my body, and she's just standing there a couple yards away, just looking at me with that weird, crazed, kinda go-funny eye of hers just glarin' at me. For Hitler, she'd be singing.
Rescue Me · 279 quotes
