You just ain't returnin' any of my calls, and that ain't very polite.
SeanYeah, well, you're the expert on polite. Wait, no, you're not.
Sean
[looks in the bag] Two avocados?
Yeah, well, I was tryin' to come up with a peace offering, so I thought I'd bake you a cake or something only I don't know how to cook or any of that shit, so I thought I'd go to the store and buy you a cake only they're too expensive and I can't go to my bakery because I told the guy that his cannolis tasted like cat piss. So I got the avocados, I think they're ripe.
Sean
Well, I talked to Father Dan, or well tried to. It turns out that we have been banned from getting married anywhere near the Diocese, much less in it.
Well, Sean, I'm sorry, I really am. Can you not hear me say it? I'm sorry. Maggie Gavin is saying she's sorry. She must really be in love, huh? She is, Sean, in letters eight miles high.
Sean
You know, Maggie, yesterday after your performance with the priest I went home and I was really upset and I was thinkin' about you and I threw up. And I thought to myself, well maybe I'm not the smartest guy on the planet, but maybe you shouldn't get married to someone who actually makes you throw up, okay? I don't like to puke. It's not gonna work. [hands her the avocados and walks away]
Sean. Sean. You're making me cry. You're such an asshole!
Sean
Hey chief, do you wanna break this window?
Nah, this is beveled glass. He'll shit if we break this.
Sean
What about this one?
Nah, that's a storm window. I'll tell you what — we were down at the track last week. The guy owes me forty bucks, so let's see if we can find a forty dollar window.
[Franco and Sean put a chair through Jerry's back door window]
You're throwing away the porn?
Sean
Okay, look, Maggie, a lotta wives-- they would be thrilled if their husbands were throwing away their porn they would see it as a mature and committed act, and -- and I thnk that you should see this as a real positive thing.
You know, that's all fine and good, Sean, only it's my porn.
Sean
Yeah, but you don't need it anymore 'cause 'ya got me.
[laughs] Put the box down.
Sean
C'mon, Maggie I just wanna be married for two seconds without--
No, now! You see this box? This box is your friend, it might even be your best friend because it is the only thing breathing life into our relationship right now.
Sean
Maggie, we've been married nine months. What are you talkin' about breathin' life into the relationship?
Everyone needs breath, everyone needs a spark, Sean!
Sean
Okay, and the spark is watching some girl get double teamed by guys with cocks the size of telephone poles?
Sean
No, I don't understand. I don't understand, Maggie, and I don't think you understand that I might have a problem with this. You know, that this might make me feel... inferior.
Oh, but Sean you have nothing to feel inferior about.
Sean
Really?
Well.... except for the fact that your cock isn't as big as a telephone pole. But, that's--
Sean
That's okay, I'm going to work. You go look at your porn.
Sean--- Sean, you don't want your cock that big. Your life would be terrible, you would not be able to buy pants.
Sean
Hey guys, can I ask you somethin'?
Sean
What? What do you mean 'here we go'?
Well, everytime you say 'Hey guys, can I ask you somethin', we're either gonna end up in some ridiculous, dead end incrediably moronic conversation or you're gonna say somethin' so stupid that we're gonna spend the night unable to sleep because we're gonna end up thinking back to what you said and laughing our tired asses off. Not like it's gonna stop you. (hands out plates of food) My grandma's lemon chicken, you dumb Irish minks, so eat slow. Proceed, Sean.
Sean
Wow. Okay, you know how uh, porn has come out on DVD so it's like really cheap and available? And you go onto the internet and it's right there and kinda pop-upable in your face. ... Well, here's-- here's my question: Do you guys, do you still use the you know, the good 'ol spank bank?
Finally. A perfect fit for some fine dinner conversation.
Sean
Well, at this stage of the game my wife's got a bigger bank than I do.
Sean
Let me think though, Scarlett Johannson. Jennifer Aniston. Jennifer Garner. Uh, Barbra Hersh, this chick I went to high school with, uh... Brittney Klein, another chick I went to high school with. Karen Palonowski, whoo she was on the swim team. Janet... Uh lemme see...
Sean
What?
Sean
Janet... Janet... Janakowski. She was uh, on the debate team, she was uh... she was so hot, she could really debate.
Shit. Gimme the knives. [grabs all the knives from the table]
Sean
What's happening? I don't understand. Shit where was I...?
I think you were talking about my wife.
Sean
No, no, god no, I was not talking about... your wife?
Yes, yes, you were. You're jerkin' off to my wife.
Sean
No. Oh my God, I don't know where you got that from, I did not say that! I would never...
Yes, yes you did. That's what you said. Yes you did. You did, you did!
Sean
Okay, I did. But let me explain. It was the picnic a few years ago, okay? You remember she showed up with the white blouse on and it was kind of see though and we had a water balloon fight, I mean come on!
[Colleen comes out of her boyfriend's bedroom with just her underwear on]
Oh, my God! [to Lou, Franco and Sean] Blinders, blinders, blinders! Let me tell you something, this better not--
Sean
It's not goin' in the spank bank.
Sean
I promise.
Sean
Do you mind if I stay with you for a couple of days?
Sean
Well, you've been feelin' kind of bad, and y'know, you're all alone it that big house. I thought it might be kinda scary for 'ya. Thought maybe I'd come and hang out with 'ya, lift your spirits a little.
That's really cool, Sean. I forgot what a good friend you can be.
Sean
Yeah. Plus, I might be getting a divorce.
Jesus Christ, Jerry. Shit. I mean, there's no other way?
You know, you just don't get it, Franco.
Sean
No, you're damn right we don't, Lou. Come on.
You know why? You know why you don't get it? Because you're young and the future is your friend, you know, and your eyes work and your cocks work, and the way you guys think you're gonna be on the job forever eatin' smoke, and it don't work that way, boys.
Sean
Okay, so if I get a little older, a little sick, I should just kill myself? Is that what I'm supposed to do?
You know what? It was Jerry's life and he was unhappy and he made a choice. And obviously it was a pretty severe choice, but you wanna know somethin'? I give the guy all the respect I have for going out on his own terms.
Yeah, well, I don't. I think he was a goddamn coward.
I'm just sayin' how I feel, Lou.
[to Tommy]' Do you hear this shit?
Yeah, except that I kinda agree with him.
Well, then screw you, too.
He was afraid. Afraid of workin' behind that desk down at down at headquarters for the next five or--
Sean
Oh, come on, Tom. That's your excuse for the guy?--
Shut up, asshole! What do you got eight years on the job? (Sean goes to say something) Shut up! Christ almighty. You know how much he hated being the Chief, huh? Watching us run into jobs while he stood outside, but he did it. You know why? So he could teach assholes like, (points to Sean and Franco) you and you what the job was really about. When he was working up in the Bronx, when the Bronx was burning, huh? You ever hear about those days, huh? They'd get 10, 12, 14 jobs a night! Shithead. He ran into a job up on 279th street, he pulled three kids in wheelchairs out in somethin' like 15 minutes. You know why? Because the rest of his crew was busy bringing old people out. There was a cold storage warehouse fire up there one night and the Chief on the job that night shut the job down because it was 'too hot for humans'. You know what Jerry did? He ran around the side of the building, went in the side door, pulled out two drunken assholes, ends up the two same assholes who started the goddamn fire! And he was working then, without a mask, running in and out of the building with a cigar danglin' out of his mouth. You wanna talk about being brave and who's a coward and who's not a coward? Suck my cock. Wanna talk about being brave? When he was workin' up in the Bronx, he used up all the goddamn brave he had.
[after they are told they can't have anything with sexual, racial, religious, or ethnic themes in their lockers] Look, now I don't know about you guys, but I need naked chick pictures in my locker, alright? You know, I come back from a job and I'm thinking about rubbing one out in the shower. Looking at an American flag ain't gonna grease the rails, you know what I mean? I mean, don't get me wrong, I love the American flag, but I'm used to saluting it, not jerkin' off to it.
Sean
Whoa, wait a second. You're jerkin' off in this shower here?
I'm buyin' flip flops, like six pairs.
Sean
[about Jerry's ashes] You know, what if it's not really the Chief in there?
You know, the kid's got a point. I mean, it's ashes, for all we know it could be Anna Nicole Smith.
Well, does silicone burn?
We just want you to know, that everybody is in this room because we love you. And feel like you're slippin' away. And so, you know, if you just take a moment, we've all written down some things and we'd like you to just listen with an open mind... to--
Wait, is this like one of those intervention thingys?
Yeah. I'm tired of this shit. Waking up god knows, with god knows who, havin' done god knows what, feelin' like an atomic bomb went off inside my skull. I'm finished. Box me up and ship me to rehab.
...
Sean
I have a stack of notebooks here, I didn't even get to say my piece.
I'm with the kid, I have grievances to air.
Oh, blow it out your ass, old man. I am not gonna give you the satisfaction.
Sean
Hey, check it out, look what Shawn found.
Antique lamp, totally untouched by the fire or smoke.
Hand it over, you mugs. [they hand it to him] Alright, three things, okay? This is private property, which means it belongs to someone, which means it has memories and emotions attached to it, it could possibly be a family heirloom. Second, taking private property from the scene of the fire, damaged or not, okay? Is against department regulations.
What's the third thing, Lou?
It looks like it's a reading lamp from a bedside table, which means there's probably another one exactly like it lying around, if you could find that and bring it directly to me, I'd appreciate it. [they all turn to go look for it] Thank you.
You know what, that's gonna go real nice with that headboard that you got out of the furniture warehouse fire last year.
It's the fun side of being a boss.
Sean
Hey, guys, I'm dyin', whoo! I can barely keep my eyes open, I got hammered last night. Those Long Island Iced Teas really do a number on 'ya, you know? Brutal. [Tommy and Kenny go to walk away] Hey, you wanna know how many I had? Two... and a half. Yeah, you know, it was hardcore, you know where I woke up this morning? My couch. It's pretty goddamn embarrassing, you know? I think I might have a problem.
I have been waiting for this moment for a long, long time. [hands him a pamphlet]
Sean
What's that?
It's a little thing we like to call the 20 questions. It's from Alcoholics Anonymous, it's kinda like a booze exam if you'd like to take it.
Sean
Okay. [reads questions from it] 'Is drinking making your home life unhappy?' It's mostly her drinking, so no. 'Do you drink because your shy with other people?' No. 'Is drinking affecting your reputation?' No. No. No. No. Why are you supposed to have yes' for this? Because if it's no's I'm gonna ace this thing.
One time in the not so distant future my cousin Mike and I are gonna take out drinking. And if we notice you like to drink and get drunk and drink to excess, and if you pass the Shea cousin's drinking exam, then you will be called an alcoholic.
Sean
Why's that?
Because we're all alcoholics, functioning yes, but blazin' alky's all the same.
[about his inheritance] I already promised it to the Cancer Society.
Sean
Ugh. The Cancer Society. What's the cancer society gonna cure with your measly $100,000?
If you give it to those people, you know what they're gonna use it for?
Postage, to send letters out to other people to get more money. It's a vicious cycle, Mike. Not to mention, that they're never gonna find a cure, 'cause there isn't one. Cancer is God's disease, it's his way of thinning out the herd. And it's cruel, and mysterious and no one's ever gonna figure it out, 'cause that's the way that God likes it.
Rescue Me · 279 quotes
