You don't do that, Sean. You don't bang a guy's girlfriend, ex-girlfriend, wife, ex-wife, or his sister without his permission. And I mean crystal-goddamn-clear permission.
You haven't even spoken to her, in like, five years.
TommyYou broke the rules.
Wh--? Ho-- How? Explain to me how. [Lou interrupts him] Let me finish my -- [Lou interrupts him again] Can I at least-- [Lou interrupts him]
Tommy
Look, you run into a guy's ex-girlfriend in a bar and feel her up.
Tommy
You can be in a bar, meet a guy's ex-wife, and...
[makes circular gestures on his chest] Titty action.
Tommy
A little bit of titty action. You can even grab guy's sister's ass in a bar that the guy actually happens to be in.
Tommy
And it's all explainable under the giant umbrella of the huge, 'Sorry-I-Was-Drunk' rule.
Like Visa and Mastercard, accepted the world over and never argued.
Tommy
Never argued. Which was why the rule was created by the way, by the... Romans?
Ah, even earlier than that, my friend: the Druids.
Listen, Franco didn't want to have anything to do with her.
Tommy
[counting on his fingers]: Look, girlfriend, ex-girlfriend, wife, ex-wife, sister, half-sister: [sweeps his hands] No pussy!
[After they bet Sean that he couldn't get to first base and he did with a transvestite, although he doesn't know that she is one]
Tommy
Well, the thing is uh, we uh... We wanna go double or nothin'.
Wait, wait, wait. What's the bet?
Tommy
80 bucks says you can't close the deal by the weekend.
What you mean sleep with her?
Tommy
Full penetration. Before the weekend.
Tommy
Come on. I thought you had game, big shot.
I do. I got game. I-- I just don't wanna rush it. It's just something about this girl, she's-- she's different.
[Janet is drunk and kisses Tommy]
Tommy
And what are we doing?
Tommy
Oh, we are?
Tommy
Okay. Now, not that I don't wanna go upstairs, but okay, where are we going with this?
Tommy
No, that's not what I said. I did not say that. What --
Tommy, we were always at our best [kisses him] when we were in bed. A million problems everywhere else, but in bed... [kisses him] Come on.
Tommy
Alright.
Tommy
What're you ladies talking about?
The firefighter calender. I'm doing it again this year.
Yeah, he gets to choose his own month.
Tommy
Great.
So what month are you going for?
I'd try for February. Work that whole Valentine's Day thing.
Nah, common mistake. Shortest month of the year.
Well, you definitely don't wanna be December. Nobody pays attention to you until the last 30 days of the year. You wanna be in the first four or five months to maximize booty potential. I'm thinkin' April, May, in there, you know? It's spring. Winter clothes are comin' off. Chicks are thinkin' about gettin' laid.
Yeah, it's a science, and I'm the mad scientist.
Last one we did, we got what, 600 bucks?
Who is this guy? The king of chumps?
Tommy
Nah, some shrink, you know? I figure we get Charlie Walsh's cousin to give us the lumber for what, 300 bones? And we'll divide the rest up. You in?
Yeah, for that kind of money, I might show up in a tux.
Tommy
Franco?
Tommy
Let me tell you something kid: First time doing a porch job, you work for free.
Let me clarify further. Not only do you not get paid, you generally do all the work while we sit around drinking beer and shooting the shit.
Tommy
And you gotta buy the beer.
Yeah, a couple of those suitcase things. MGD is good.
Guys, I just remembered... I'm busy.
Tommy
Yeah, you're busy helping us queer-bait.
Tommy, nothing's changed.
Tommy
I didn't come over to you last night, you came lookin' for-- and now you're going to tell me that it shouldn't have happened?
I was drunk, I was frustrated. I'm tired of being alone.
Tommy
You're not alone, okay? I live across the street. Which you gladly took advantage of last night.
But you don't understand. I need something more-- something that I can't get from you. [Tommy makes a face] Yes, the sex was great. But the sex is always great with us, Tommy. We've never had a problem connecting on a physical level, but an emotional level--
Tommy
Oh, Jesus Christ. I knew that was what you were going to say!
Hey, I can't do this anymore, I'm tired of being this lonely.
Tommy
You know what? You're nuts, you should see a shrink because you are--
Tommy
You're sorry? Bullshit. You come over my house. You lure me into bed, you bang me, you get my hopes up and now you're sorry?
I wanted to see if it still worked.
Tommy
If what worked? My dick?
Hey, I went with Dwight the other night to the city, we caught a show and afterwards I look into this bar and who do I see? Our very own little probie making out with some broad to beat the band.
Tommy
So...?
So... this chick is old enough to be his mother.
Oh god, I just caught a chill.
Tommy
How old?
I don't know, I didn't have time to cut her in half and count the rings but she's pretty old, I mean for him. I'm guessin' late 40's.
Yeah. [Mike walks up] Hey, speak of the devil. Hey, kid, your ears burning?
Tommy
Hey, are you bangin' some old broad?
And if you are, a word of caution: A broken hip takes a very long time to heal.
Hey, she's not that old. She's only 46.
Well, that's nothin' in dog years.
Yeah, which probably applies to her.
I was readin' FHM yesterday and they said that the average cock is like six inches long.
Yeah we're huge! [slaps Sean's hand]
CChief
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Before you two ponies start swingin' your johnson's around, answer one question for me. Did you measure from the top or bottom?
Tommy
Ooh. A little fly in the ointment.
CChief
Did you go from the under carriage, from the ball-sac to the tip?
[Mike and Sean exchange looks]
Well then you might as well have been measuring from the base of your spine because everybody gets at least an inch going the other way. You gotta go from the pubic bone to the tip.
Ah, no way, that means I'm only like 6 1/2.
I don't know if you're right about that, Chief.
Been there, done this, boys. I got twenty that starts the "biggest dick in the crew" contest. Who wants in?
I haven't seen my feet in ten years let alone my dick.
Tommy
Chief, I got a question.
And I think I know what that question is Firefighter Gavin.
Tommy
Really?
Tommy
Ha. Exactly.
Tommy
Circumference, asshole.
That's gonna be a completely different story. I'm gonna double the wager.
I know you guys are talkin' about my tits and my ass. Just in case you are wondering, I'm a 34-C cup, my nipples are slightly larger than average and stand up like top-hats when aroused. My ass is tight as a snare drum but still soft to the touch. Any more questions?
Tommy
Wow. [Laura puts Tommy's sandwich on the table]
Yeah. Can I get one of those? [points to the sandwich]
Tommy
Did she just say top-hats?
I've always been a big fan of formal wear.
[Tommy is pulled over for speeding through a downtown intersection]
Tommy
Hey, how you doing? Hey, Collins man!
CCollins
You better have a good excuse, Gavin.
Tommy
Oh, you know what man, I got a phone call...
CCollins
That was some dare-devil shit back there.
Tommy
I know, I know. I got a phone call about twenty minutes ago. My mom had a heart attack and I got to get to a hospital.
Tommy
No bro, I'm serious!
CCollins
Give me your license and reg... All right, the honeymoon's over Gavin, all right? So tell all your friends and all that hero worship you got after 9/11 ain't getting paid any dues anymore. We lost guys downtown too, but nobody even talks about us. 343 firemen. There was almost 100 cops!
Tommy
That's true. Nobody's forgetting about the cops.
CCollins
Guess what? You so much as look at a cop the wrong way and you're paying the price. All right, asshole?
Tommy
You know this is going to come back to bite you in the ass. We got a big hockey game coming up again. A rematch-- in what, like a week?
CCollins
Yeah, I'm real concerned about payback. Yeah, I hope your ma don't die while I'm writing you up, either. Have a nice day.
Tommy
[whispers] Shithead.
Rescue Me · 279 quotes
