Tommy Gavin quotes from Rescue Me

Tommy

Alright, we're going to play a little game because Daddy needs to know some information on Mommy's new boyfriend. Alright?

Katy

But Mommy doesn't want us to talk about that.

Tommy

I understand that, sweetheart. That's why we have the money.

Franco

We have sex with woman who ain't our wives and we make every detail available to the other guys.

Tommy

Yeah, well, maybe I'm a gentleman.

Yeah, and I'm growing tits.

Tommy

Hey, you should check a mirror, pal.

All right, hold on, hold on, hold on. Let's review. Why are you two separated?

Tommy

According to her?

Yeah.

Tommy

You know, I... she says I couldn't open up, I wasn't emotionally available, blah, blah, blah.

Sean

Well, maybe he just thought they were gay because they were well-groomed, and uh, into fashion. You know what I mean?

No.

Sean

Well, maybe they weren't homosexuals. Maybe they were metrosexuals.

Lou

What?

Tommy

My daughter used that term last week.

Franco

The teenager?

Tommy

The eight-year-old.

What in the sweet chocolate christ is a metrosexual?

Mike

It means that you aren't gay but you like to do certain things that might be considered gay. [they all stare at him, looking totally clueless and in shock] Right?

Sean

No, asshole. He doesn't know what the hell he's talkin' about. Look, a metrosexual is like a straight guy who happens to you know, also like to go shoppin' and-- and get facials and stuff.

Tommy

Holy shit.

Shoppin' for food?

Mike

Nice food.

Sean

Yeah, and wine, and... clothes. Yeah, I'm not explaining it right. Franco you know what a metrosexual is, right?

Franco

Uh, that would be a huge goddamn 'no'.

Sean

It's not like a gay thing...

Mike

It's gay and it's not gay. It's like straight, regular guys who get like facelifts and bikini waxes.

Enough. Enough.

Mike

Male bikini waxes.

Enough! Nobody in this firehouse goes out and goes shoppin' anymore unless it's for underwear or for boots or for a pair of goddamn gloves. And nobody, and I mean nobody, goes and gets a facial unless that means putting water on your face to clean up after catchin' a job. And the word metrosexual from this point on is banned from this quarters. (walks out)

Lou

What the hell's a male bikini wax?

Sean

That's when they take the hair off of your scrotom.

Franco

Ow.

Lou

[in a pained voice] Why?

Mike

Chicks dig it.

Franco

Chicks dig us shaving our balls?

Tommy

Let me tell you something, okay?

Janet

Hey, don't you threaten me.

Tommy

If I want to threaten you, I will! Okay? You start a shit storm about my kids with me, you take 'em anywhere you want, I will hunt you down and I will find you. Four corners of the Earth, I will find you and I will take those kids back. That's not a threat, that's a goddamn promise, bitch.

Tommy

What is it with these gay people? They're everywhere now: sitcoms, movies. You see the thing in the paper about same sex marriage?

Same sex marriages? Hey, right now I'd settle for a "some" sex marriage.

Tommy

No, I'll tell ya, brother. I am pro-lesbian. I am a big supporter of the lesbian community.

Really?

Tommy

Yeah, I wish my daughter was a lesbian.

Which one?

Tommy

Both. Why don't they have a pill for that?

Tommy

What is that?

Colleen

What, the cookies?

Tommy

No. Below the cookies, peeking out of your pants, and it better not be a tattoo because if it is a tattoo, you're not gonna see the light of day ever again.

Colleen

It's not like it's huge.

Tommy

Move the cookies. [she moves them] Oh my, god. What the hell?

Colleen

It's a shamrock.

Tommy

I can see it's a shamrock.

Colleen

You're always saying that we should be proud of being Irish.

Tommy

You wanna be proud you're Irish? Wave a flag, march in a parade, have 100 kids ... not yet. Oh my god.

Colleen

It's not that big of a deal, Mom has a tattoo on her butt.

Tommy

How do you know that?

Colleen

She showed me.

Tommy

She showed you? Jesus Christ. [groans] I'll tell ya' what, you're gonna get rid of that yourself, or I'm gonna get rid of it for you.

Colleen

How?

Tommy

I'm sure Black & Decker has some kind of attachment.

Colleen

It's my body. You can't tell me what to do with it.

Tommy

Oh, really? Let me just remind you of a couple things, okay? When you turn 18 years old, you can move out of this house and you can get a flower tattooed on your ass, and a rainbow tattooed on your tits, but until then as long as you live under my roof, you play by my rules. No tattoos.

Colleen

I didn't get it while I was living under your roof, I got it while I was living under Mom's.

Tommy

[sighs] I could only get 300 bucks out of the ATM.

Damian

That's okay. You can owe me the rest. I trust you.

Tommy

You know what, kid? I was at your christening and I didn't drown you, okay? So let's think about who owes who. All right?

Janet

[at the hospital] Tommy, I can't get any answers in there.

Tommy

You know what? [grabs her arm and pushes her against the building, and pins her there] Hey, what did I tell you, huh? What did I tell you?

Janet

Get the hell off of me!

Tommy

I told you to get your priorities straight, huh. Get your shit together. You wanted to be in charge of the kids, and what happened? She's lying in a hospital bed while you're trying to get laid with you loser goddamn boyfriend! [they shove each other and he finally lets her go]

Janet

And where have you been?!

Tommy

Where was I? At work! Paying your goddamn bills!

Janet

Tommy, this isn't about our bullshit. This is about our little girl in there.

Tommy

Don't tell me.

Janet

Goddamn you, Tommy.

Tommy

It's on your head!

Tom, I, uh, I don't know what you want me to say.

Tommy

Mick... I want you to say that it's all... it's bullshit. You know? There is no plan, there is no map. There's no golden ring at the end of the ride. It's just... bullshit. You know? [sighs] I want you to take away the hope, man, that's the thing that's killing me. You know,it's just... it's like, uh... I'm just hanging here, man. Hope is making me think I can fix my marriage, you know? The day of Jimmy's funeral... you stood up on that altar and you said, "Sometimes we don't know why God does the things that he does." But I'm telling you... Mick... if he takes my little girl tonight... I'm going to want to know why.

That's why you got to hold on to the hope, Tom. 'Cause in the end, that's all we got left.

Tommy

You remember that blonde that we met at the Bubble Bar last month? You were with me, right?

Franco

Yeah, yeah. The one you banged that night?

Tommy

Actually, I've been banging her ever since, but I don't know her name.

Franco

Damn. How're you pulling that off?

Tommy

Well, it's like a late night booty-call. Not a lot of conversation, you know?

Franco

Yeah, those are the best.

Tommy

Well, I gotta come up with a name soon, man.

Franco

Yeah. You know what? You could do that thing where you introduce her to somebody. You say the other person's name but not hers, and then she has to say "Hi, I'm..." Fill in the blank.

Tommy

Never gonna work.

Franco

Why not?

Tommy

Because I never take this chick out in public.

Franco

Ah, yeah.

Tommy

See?

Franco

Yeah, you got yourself a real goddamn dilemma there.

Tommy

Yeah, broads. It's not enough that you're bangin' 'em like crazy, now you gotta know their names.

Franco

[On the phone, Franco is in a club with two girls by him] So, it's, uh, it's Nancy or Lauren, huh? I don't know, man, she didn't look like a Nancy to me. I'd go with Lauren.

Tommy

I kinda secretly was hoping she was a Nancy.

Franco

Why's that?

Tommy

'Cause Nancy's give better head.

Franco

Oh, you've researched that?

Tommy

Uh, basing it on the two Nancy's that I've known.

Franco

So, uh, you been with a Lauren?

Tommy

Uh, one.

Franco

Oh, yeah? And the head was uh...

Tommy

Look, there's no such thing as bad head, it's just a matter of degrees.

Franco

Yeah, agreed. [to the girls next to him] Uh, girls what're you're names?

Heather.

Brittney.

Franco

[to Tommy] What about Heather and Brittney? Where do those two names fall on the chart?

Tommy

Heather and Brittney I'd say... top 3.

Franco

Oh, yeah. It's my night.

Franco

Holy shit.

Sean

Wow.

Lou

Powerful.

Tommy

Yeah, powerfully bad. It sucks.

Lou

I don't know, it's not that bad. It rhymes.

Tommy

Well, so what? My ten-year-old can make stuff rhyme, it doesn't mean he's the next, uh... [to Franco] Name a poet.

Sean

Angie Dickinson.

Tommy

Angie Dickinson from Police Woman?

Franco

Nah, I think you mean Emily Dickinson.

Tommy

By the way, in the future, when you have something you wrote and you want me to read it, just bring it to me. I'll sit down, I'll read it, I'll digest it and I'll give you the most honest assessment that I can.

Lou

You'd do that?

Tommy

For you?

Lou

Yeah.

Tommy

No.