Red vs Blue quotes

Freeze, blue!

Simmons?

Hey everyone, I caught an intruder! I'm the greatest! I mean I'm the greatest one that isn't Caboose!

(Raspy version of his voice) Great job, Simons!

Thanks orangest guy...Who's name I really don't remember!

Sarge

(Pirate accent) Argh, lets be makin' him walk the plank.

(As a full fledged woman) Let's all go shopping to celebrate!

Oh right...

Sarge

Jolly good day, Mr. Caboose. We be having a prisoner for you, we do.

I thought you had a pirate accent?

Sarge

Argh, I'm not very consistent. Yarg!

Hello Church, you must be very happy to see me.

Yeah, of course. I'm so happy I wanna fuckin puke.

Hey what's up,

Hey who the fuck are you? Sister?

Yes I'm Sister, Church's twin brother. I crashed here on a spaceship from the moon. And now I live with Caboose and the people from the tail end of the spaceship live on the other side of the island.

What the fuck? That's wrong in like eight different ways.

Yeah, I know...Tell me about it.

Caboose, seriously, do you pay attention to anything that happens?

New Church is my new best friend now.

I'd argue with that too, but...What's the point.

Sarge

Simmons, where can we get some explosives?

Well, as you recall, we recently came across Andy the bomb and Lopez in the caves. So-

Sarge

Of course! Men, let's go ask Lopez where we can get some explosives!

*sigh* Excellent plan, sir...

Caboose, what happened?

Tex appeared out of nowhere and beat up Tucker, which was awesome, and took his sword. Also someone might've have been surprised by that and peed his pants just a little bit...Or a lot.

I was only behind them by like thirty seconds! What the fuck! Where is she?

She took the sword and a Wyoming helmet to the ship. I think she went to the ship to save Tucker's kid. He's on the ship too now.

FUCK! What about O'Malley? Where is he?

HAHAHAHAHA, that's the problem with living in a patriarichal society, men always assume they know everything! HAHAHA!

Whoa, Lopez! Looks like your girlfriend (Sheila, who's uploaded into the ship) has put on a little weight!

Andy, that's rude!

What? You were all thinking it! I mean, I'm just saying someone should really switch to unleaded!

Donut. Relax. You've been infected by a computer virus and we just need to figure out what to do about it.

(Possessed by O'Malley) HAHAHAHA! NO, it's my body! It's my choice! And another thing, why do I do as much work as you guys but only get 92 percent of-

Sarge

Hey don't hit my soldiers without my permission...(O'Malley infects Sarge) I'm the one who gets to hit my soldiers. MWAHAHAHA! YEAH, eat lead world, drop and give me infinity!

Sarge I think you've finally gone crazy.

Whoa that's weird. I have a sudden urge to conquer the universe. Which is unlike me, considering I'd have to do actual work. I think I'll just fall asleep instead.

We're here, is anyone hurt...

...Or need to be killed? HAHAHA!

I know that laugh. Nobody move!

You know I...I really don't feel all that different. Meh, meh heh, heh, meh, meh, no. Feels pretty much the same. That's kinda weird huh? Expected more...

Where'd he go, where'd he go? Is he gone...Tex?

Church run!

Tex DON'T!

You have no idea how much trouble you are in

Church...

Yeah?

You ever wonder why we're here?

You know, Caboose, I used to not care. I just went along with orders and hoped that everything would work out for me. But after all that's happened, you know what I've learned? It's not about hating the guy on the other side because someone told you to. I mean, you should hate someone because they're an asshole or a pervert or a snob, or they're lazy or arrogant or an idiot or a know-it-all. Those are reasons to dislike somebody. You don't hate a person because someone told you to; you have to despise people on a personal level, not because they're red or because they're blue, but because you know them and you see them every single day, and you can't stand them because they're a complete and total fucking douchebag.

...I meant, why are we out here in the sun when we could be standing down there in the shade?

Oh. Yeah, okay. Let's go stand in the shade.

Hey, Simmons...

Yeah?

Just one thing. Shotgun!

Fuck!

(Church and Tucker had just killed Sarge) Okay, hey. We killed one of your guys, and you killed one of ours. That makes us even.

Actually, we killed Tex and Junior, and they killed Sarge. So technically, that means we killed two people and they only killed one. (Church kills him with the sniper rifle) Son of a bitch!

Okay! Now we're even! Seriously! (Blues point guns at Grif and Donut; Grif lobs a grenade, everyone scatters, Donut gets in the ghost) Every man for himself!

Caboose! Get in that tank and give us cover fire.

Okay!

And don't shoot me this time!

Okay (immediately shoots Church)

Son of a bitch!

Wait, what was that first part again?(Grif begins to destroy Caboose's tank) Abandon ship! Running, running, running! (tank blows up)

Don't worry Sister, I'll protect you.

Sarge

Aha! Got you, blues!

Sarge, I thought you were dead!

Sarge

I was dead, Doc revived me!

That's right! And if anyone else needs medical attention, I would be more than happy to hel- (Sarge kills him) Son of a bitch!

Sarge

Oh, I'm sorry! Doc will be unable to assist anyone else. (Sister kills him) Ah, son of a bitch again. Medic!

Well Sister, this looks like it. I don't think we're gonna make it, the reds are on the attack, and now Doc is dead and can't help us.

(dying) Actually, I'm not dead! if you could just hand me my first-aid kit- (Tucker shoots him) Oh, son of a bitch!

And now that Doc is actually dead, I don't think we're gonna make it. I don't wanna die a virgin!

Ooh! Yeah!

Wouldn't you rather spend your last few moments as a lover and not as a fighter?

I never thought about that, Uh-huh.

I've always wanted to go out-

Hey, uh, no offense, are you gonna keep talking or are we gonna see some action!

Bow Chicka Bow- (Grif shoots him) Ow!

Stay away from my sister!

Son of a bitch!

Grif, I liked him! He was nice to me! (kills Grif)

Son of a bitch!

(Donut runs her over with his ghost) Son of a bitch! I can't believe you'd hit a girl!

Whatever, bitch! Reow! (Caboose is running away, picks up a rocket launcher) Now it's time to pound some Caboose! Woo-hoo! (drives toward him; Caboose blows him up with the rocket launcher) Son of a bitch!

I won! I am the greatest! I beat everyone! And now, no one is left but me! (ghost lands on him, kills him) Son of a bitch.

(Sarge shoots at the computer) Ow, dude. That was my heatsink. Now where the fuck am I gonna sinkmy heat?

Be careful Sarge, that stalagmite almost hit me!

Actually Grif, that was a stalactite. You see stalagmite's grow up from the ground.

I don't care, Donut. The point is that I almost got crushed by huge fucking-(A stalagsomething crushes and kills Grif)...Ow,

Sarge

Yeah! I am the winner of... what the hell am I lookin' at?

You are Private Walter Henderson, correct?

Yes, sir!

You can dispense with the formalities, Walter. Please feel comfortable to speak as candidly as you wish. Can you tell us what happened at your outpost, Walter?

Yes Sir-ah, yes. I had been there about six months. Everything was pretty much like normal and one day this... ship... crashed.

I see. Is this the ship to which you are referring?

Yeah. Yeah, that's it.

Please, tell me what was on the ship, Walter.

I don't know. The Blues got there first. They fought us off while they cleared it out. Took the stuff back to Base. By the time we got a hold of it it just seemed like a regular old transport. Our engineer said some of the wiring had been messed with but he didn't seem, you know, worried about it or nothing like that.

I see. Thank you for that.

But whatever was on the ship, must have been what started the whole thing.

Please, Walter, define "thing".

The infection. The Blues just stopped fighting us. Some of them set up camp outside their base and trapped the rest of their team inside; blew up their comm tower for some reason. Their own comm tower... Then they blew up ours. That's why we couldn't radio for help, we couldn't figure out why they would do that. After that, nothing. No word from them at all. The CO sent a squad over... all the Blues were dead. They had killed each other.

Why do you think they did that?

I don't know. They had torn the radios out of their helmets and dismantled their computers. The CO said they were trying to build something...but I saw all the stuff, no way! They were trying to break it. And there was another body in there too. Not a Blue, somebody else. Actually, she looked like him. [Looks over to a soldier in grey armor standing in the corner of the room]

Don't worry about him for now, Walter. Please, continue.

We brought all the equipment back to base and brought it online. And that's when the infection started for us.

The soldiers became... sick?

No. They just... they were different. Off. We would catch guys getting into areas they shouldn't get into. But the weird thing was, a guy would go crazy, act up, and then we would throw him in a cell, and he would be fine. Then another guy would go nuts, disobey orders. Like trying to bring the comm tower back online even though we were told to leave it be. Maybe they knew it was coming.

They knew that was coming.

At first we thought it was help. It ransacked Blue Base, searched all the bodies... then it came after us. Seemed focused on the guys that were infected. Eventually, it just started killing everything.

Could you describe it for us, Walter?

Not really. It moved fast, when we first saw it, and after Blue Base it was... it was different.

In what way, different?

It looked... like it wasn't there. I don't know how to explain it.

That's alright. I know this has been difficult for you Walter. We're going to do everything we can to help you. [Two soldiers in grey armor enter] Please, follow these men to your new quarters. You'll be with us as long as absolutely necessary. You have my word. [Henderson follows them out of the room]