No, I don't think that getting new rims for the jeep is a good idea.
Oh, come on! If we all kick in, we can get some spinners, some kick-ass subs, hydraulics!
What chicks? There's no one for miles. We don't even know if anyone's still alive!
What, suddenly you're a pessimist?
Yeah, but if we do find some women, we will literally be the last men on earth for them.
All my life, I've had girls tell me 'Not if you were the last man on earth!' [Laughs] Well that may be true, but let's see what happens when I'm the last man on earth with a sweet-ass pimped-out ride, bitch!
If you ladies are through gossiping, I could use some help fixing our vehicle!
Oh, yeah, right. Here, let me try. [Starts car]
[Donut, under the jeep, screams]
[sobbing] I was just… petting… the bunny. And then it went in to the soup can… and part of my hand went with it!
Bunny and hand soup, just like Mom used to make.
Donut, I told you not to touch anything! You touched everything! That's the exact opposite of touching nothing!
What's the rush of getting this thing fixed anyway?
Listen, dirtbag. I know on blue team, you like to lollygag a beer-
There is no blue team. It's all a lie. Red and blue are the same.
Oh, don't start that crap again.
You sound like a conspiracy nut when you talk about that stuff. [sarcastically] The government put a chip in my brain!
[also sarcastically] The president can hear my thoughts!
[sarcastically, while also in great pain] We never landed on the sun!
[sarcastic gasp] They put fluoride in my water!
Actually, that one's true.
It is? No wonder I listen to so much pop music.
Grif, Simmons, where've you two been?
Our patrol didn't go exactly as planned, Sarge.
Did you find something? Wait a minute, where's the jeep?
Grif, I just built that jeep. I don't want to hear that it's been destroyed.
Oh, well then maybe I should stop talking. Or you can stop listening.
No no no, it's not destroyed Sarge. The engine just quit.
And what exactly were you doing when the engine died?
Duh, getting the jeep outta the ditch.
What was the jeep doing in a ditch?
Well I can tell you what it wasn't doing, and that's reenacting the coolest scene from The Dukes of Hazzard ever. [Sarge moans in exasperation.] Simmons was driving.
No I wasn't! I was holding the arrows and the dynamite!
[The three of them check out the Warthog.]
Wait a second, this thing isn't busted. It's just outta gas.
Of course not, moron. Where are we gonna get gasoline? I modified the fuel cells to utilize a form of cold fission, powered by solar energy.
So then why is it dead, sir?
You would have had to park it in the shade for at least two hours. What were you doing parked in the shade for two hours?
Well, I can tell you what we weren't doing...
What took you guys so long to get here?
There's six of us, and this is only a three seater jeep. Half of us had to sit on someone else's lap.
(excitedly) It was a great road trip. My favourite part was when Grif tried to change gears, and he accidentally-
(sighing) Please, let's not tell the story. Is there somewhere I can wash my hands?
[Tex is explaining O'Malley's fortress on the beach]
He's been fortifying his defenses for a few days now, and he's got some help. One of those religious nuts you guys picked up.
Oh! I like them! They were funny.
Caboose, they tried to kill you because of a flag.
I try not to remember the bad things about people.
That's all they tried to do! There were no good things!
That's okay, I have a really bad memory- WOW! LOOK, A BEACH!
I've scouted a location inside the base where we can set it off and take the whole place down. I marked the spot with a big X.
If you got past the two walls, the huge spinning blade, the gun turrets, and made it all the way in to the fortress, why didn't you just plant the bomb then instead of putting a big X on the floor?
(hesitantly) ...I can't carry it.
It's too heavy, okay?! You happy?!
I need one of you idiots to carry it. I don't have the upper body strength to move it on my own.
See, girls act like they're so tough, but the first time they need someone to move a couch, who do they call? [Tex stares daggers at Grif.] Please don't kill me.
Ah; go ahead and kill him, we can use his armor for spare parts. Here, this thing dosen't look so heavy. Look at the... (tries to lift the bomb) Whoa! That thing's not moving!
I guarantee you'll need two people.
No, it's true, he has crazy strength. Church and I think it's God's way of compensating.
Great Paul Bunyan! He's like an ox!
But I have no horns... or lumberjack friends.
Come on, no way it can be that bad. Let me give it an... ah! (Caboose drops the bomb in Grif's hands and Grif falls to the ground) (Grif hands the bomb back to Caboose) Here you go, you can carry it.
She'll do anything for money.
It's not? I'll give you ten bucks to tear off Grif's arm.
(eagerly) Which one's Grif?
See? She's not even really on the Blue Team. She was just paid to come and help us.
(motioning towards Simmons and whispering) He's Grif.
Have her do this for you, and then you guys owe her a favor. That's how these freelancers get stuff done, right?
That'll work. I'll help you, and then the two of you have to do something for me.
Wait just a second. What would we have to do?
On...what I need...to do some future job.
But, it could be anything.
...Well, can we rule out the gay stuff?
Hey, how come I never get to help?
OK, listen up dirtbags. If we’re gonna invade this fortress, we need a good game plan. I’ve got two options we can use. Number one, we all run straight at the base in a single file line, screaming at the top of our lungs. [scene goes black and white and shows everyone running in slow motion toward windmill while yelling]. The enemy will be so flabbergasted, by the time they have a chance to regroup, we’ll already be inside.
Oh yeah, right, they’re not gonna get surprised, they’re just gonna start mowing us down.
That’s the inherent beauty of the single file line. They can only kill the person in front, [scene goes black and white and shows them all in a line being shot with a sniper rifle], so if we order from least important to most important, with Tucker being in the front and me being in the back, then we just might make it through.
Don’t you think Caboose should be in the back since he’s the one carrying the bomb?
Nope, Caboose is in front of me. We need someone in the back who can objectively evaluate how the plan is working.
How are you going to know if it’s not working?
If Caboose dies, I’ll know we’re in trouble and immediately abort.
I think that’s a good plan.
Sarge, while that’s the most retarded idea I’ve ever heard, I just wanted to thank you for not putting me in front of the line.
Don’t get misty, Francine. We’ll have already killed you and used your corpse to jam up the windmill.
[shows windmill rotating upward with Grif’s body on it]
Grif: Blaaargh!.
I think we can all agree given our current situation it’s the perfect plan.
[everyone stares at him silently]
Well let me tell you about my other plan, using parts from the warthog we create something I like to call ... the Grif Cannon. Utilizing the power of the Grif Cannon, we make a Grif sized hole in the outer wall, or paint it a very disgusting color.
