TV show quotes
Don't worry Grif and Church, here comes the cavalry! YAAA! [jumps through the teleporter and reappears a short distance away] AAAA-huh?
Uh sir, the teleporter I reprogrammed is over there.
Oh. Watch out evildoers! Here we come to save the- oh forget it, lets just go.
(singing) Nobody knows the trouble I've seen. Nobody knows but Jesus.
Good luck everyone. I packed you all lunches for the trip.
Thanks Sheila, that was really nice of you.
Not really. All my bag had was an air filter and a thermos full of brake fluid.
Don't forget to wash your exhaust pipe every day.
What can I do Sarge?
I need you to run right at O'Malley.
And shank him with my shiv?
No, when he blows you up with a rocket, try to see if you can get your dismembered limbs and guts to clog the barrels of his rocket launcher.
You're kidding?
It's a remote chance, I know, but it's worth a shot.
(Catching the two behind a rock) OBLIVION IS AT HAND! HA HA!
(Points the rocket launcher at them) Cover your ears guys. This thing is really loud.
This is it!
Not so fast O'Malley! (Everyone turns to Simmons) Maybe we can't stop you, but I know who can! (A teleporter comes from nowhere, letting in the Zealot Solders)
ALRIGHT, NEW LEVEL! YEAH!
YAHOO! YAHOO! YEAH!
Hey guys, you want your flag? (All the zealots turn to Simmons) He's the one who has it! (Screen panel turns to O'Malley)
(Zealots turn to O'Malley) The crusade has begun! Our hour of glory is now at hand! Let all who would stand against us be washed in our divine light! (All the Zealots shoot at O'Malley)
NO, GET, GET AWAY FROM ME! NO, MY POWER IS DROPPING, STOP, DOWN!
We need to disarm Church's bomb Sarge.
Right.
(Church gets struck by lightning) Yow woo hoo hoo! (Reds run up to Church)
Hold still son, this will just take a second. (Sarge kneels down to Church's crotch)
Seriously, don't you ever install anything above the waist? (Sarge pops up again)
OH NO! That last lightning bolt fused the detonator! There's no way to turn this thing off!
Can you do it manually?
Impossible. I specifically designed it so I wouldn't be able to defuse it.
Why?
In case I fell into the wrong hands, and was brainwashed to help the blues.
Nice thinking Sir.
You just had to get one last ass kiss in before we die, didn't you?
("tea-bagging" O'Malley) HUP HUP HUP!
NO, NOT, THAT'S DISGUSTING, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Let me try, let me try, heh heh heh, take that dude!
I'M BEING VIOLATED!!
Church, (Tucker points a rocket launcher at Church) there's only one thing I can do.
Hey, what the hell?!
There's only twenty seconds left!
If I blow you up before the bomb goes off, there's at least a small chance the rest of us will live.
But the rocket will kill me!
TEN SECONDS!
YOU'RE GOING TO DIE ANYWAY WHEN THE BOMB GOES OFF!
Hey, what can I tell you pal? Misery loves company.
FIVE SECONDS!
Sorry Church.
Aw man, this blows, you guys suck. (Tucker suddenly gets shot at the side)
WHAT THE HELL?! (Screen panel shows Agent Wyoming with a sniper)
Sorry Privet Tucker, but I always get my man. Say good bye.
Uh, guys, I hate to interrupt but, zero seconds.
Uh oh. (Church's bomb makes a series of beeps and dial noises)
What? Oh, son of a b- (Camera pans out to show the entire map, a small explosion is seen, then the camera fades to white)
I don't want to be dead. I want to be alive. Or a cowboy.
What's going on? Who are you people?
He has amnesia! Tucker! Don't worry. You are safe. We're the reds, we are your mortal enemies. Wait. That didn't sound right.
Tucker! Tucker! I am so glad you are alive.
Caboose? Still so dumb, but you look so different.
We're in the future! Things are very shiny here.
The future? Oh, I can't fucking wait to hear this one.
I represent the past, where stuff cost less and people knew the value of a hard days work, but they only lived to be 28 years old.
I represent the future where we have no morals and no emotions, but we have a lot of kick-ass gadgets.
And I'm the present which sucks. We have nothing cool and also no morals.
Ah, quit yer bitching. I have atrocities and a crapload of wars which seemed very important at the time, but now seem trivial and stupid.
Yeah, and I have apocalypse. That's way worse than anything you two dipshits have! ...Sorry sir, that "dipshits" was in character.
Oh. Well, bravo Simmons.
Destroyed the present? Then where are we?
We're in the future numbnuts.
Aren't we in the present right now? Aren't we always in the present?
Unbelievable, he can't cope with the loss. He's in denial.
The bomb attached to Church sent us into the future. Good thing he was facing forward at the time.
Of course he was facing forward, what other way do people face?
Don't you see? If Church was facing forward during the explosion, and that blew us in to the future, that could mean that he was blown backward in to the... oh no!
Back in to what? A wall? A broom closet?
A big rock?
Another big rock!
They destroyed it all Simmons, those damn stupid bastards, they blew it all up! Damn them! Damn them to hell! Those damn dirty apes!!!
Calm down Grif, we don't know that the whole world is like this.
Yes it is, they destroyed it all. I guess the society of men just wasn't meant to survive.
Hey how about this, how about we explore more than 2 square miles before we jump to any conclusions?
It was definitely nuclear weapons, that's what did it. And the explosions caused massive power outages that caused the failsafe to fail, which released a super bacteria from a secret lab!
Oh come on!
Then that caused a human plague, and as the victims died, they rose from the dead 12 hours later to roam the Earth and feast on human flesh!
WHAT???
A handful of witty survivors from all walks of life were able to keep the legions of the infected radioactive undead at bay, using only their wits and an inexplicable comphrehension of agricultural science and engineering. Everything was looking good. And that's when the meteor hit!
I think you just quoted every crappy Hollywood apocalypse movie ever.
Hollywood doesn't understand apocalypse. They think that just one thing from everyday life goes away and that changes everything. Like in Road Warrior it was gas, and in Waterworld it was land.
What went away in The Matrix?
Sunlight.
I thought the missing element was plot.
I'm talking about Matrix 1.
Oh, right.
Face it Simmons, the age of Man is done.
But if all that happened, where are the zombies? Why aren't they still around?
The meteor killed them!!!
And what about the super bacteria?
It was infected by alien bacteria that was on the meteor and was wiped out in a massive bacteria-on-bacteria plague! Very ironic...
Ok then why haven't we been infected by the new alien bacteria?
It only infects other bacteria! Are you even listening to me!?!
Do you guys ever get anything done? Or do you just stand around and talk all day?
We don't get paid enough to do stuff.
[Caboose and Donut show off the jeep after Grif and Simmons were arguing]
[proudly] Look what I found!
I found it!
[still proudly] Look at what I took credit for finding!
Hey Sarge, what's that metal thing that looks like a bunny? Ooh, ooh and what's that other metal thing that looks like a soup can?
Don't touch anything Donut!
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