Tucker quotes from Red vs Blue

Well Tex, that was a great story. I especially like the part where Church got pants'd in High School.

I found that part entirely out of context.

But I still don't get how we're suppose to stop the AI.

I don't remember much from the implantation process. I do remember that can be transmitted from host to host by the helmet radios. Before I learned anything else, the AI took over and we escaped. If we can kill the AI and not give it a place to jump, we'll beat it.

And then I can get my body back. Deal?

Deal.

Alright, Tex and I will possess Caboose now. Tucker, we need you to work on the reds. Get them to turn off their helmet radios so Omally won't have anywhere to go, once we get him out of there.

Right.

What?! How the hell am I going to do that?!

I don't know. Come up with a plan.

Come on. You know how I feel about plans.

You're not going to have much time when we get in there, so move fast.

Oh, I see. You have no idea of what I should do, or how I should do it, but what ever I do, I should do it fast?

Yeah, that's right.

Yep.

Wow. You guys are a lot of help.

Oh my God. I can't believe Caboose is smart enough to drive this thing and I'm not. Sheila, how the fuck do I slow you down?

Retard, the throttle.

What throttle? This throttle?

Retard, the controller.

You mean this thing? What are you talking about? I'm so confused.

The controller, retard.

Hey, that's kind of insulting.

Retard. Retard. Retard.

Oh, come on, now you're just being mean.

Retard. Retard. Retard. Retard. [short pause]Retard.

Okay Lopez, get inside Sheila and do your business.

What?!

Estoy consiguiendo muy sudoroso. (Translated: I'm getting very sweaty!)

Oh my God. Remind me to hose you two off when we get back to base.

Man Caboose, you were asleep for a long time. What were you dreaming about?

Ohhhh nothing. I do not like to dream. I try not to think while I am sleeping.

That's pretty much how you function while you're awake too.

I think consistency is important.

[In ghost form] Well you look okay, then again that's just the armor. How do you feel?

Great! [Short pause] Who are you?

Oh come on, not this again! How can you seriously not remember me?!

Oh of course! I remember you. [Shorter pause] You're Marvin!

[Slowly] I'm Church.

I think I would remember a name That ridiculous. Nope. You are definitely Phill.

You killed me with the tank.

Dave!

You insulted my girlfriend, you called her a cow.

Terrence!

Dude, he called her a slut.

Phineas?

You're whole life is based around pleasing me.

Wally.

In fact, I think you're kind of obsessed w-

Milo?

-ith being my best friend.

[To Tucker] Psst! The new guy is pretty full of himself.

New guy? What the? I'm not the new guy! You're the new guy!

I don't know, I kinda like it. I can get used to calling you rookie.

Oh yeah? Could you get used to me beating you to death?

[To Tucker again] Psst! What's wrong with the rookie? He seems mad.

Oh son of a bitch.

Hooven?

Sarge

What's this business? The Blues are giving up? I smell a trap. Or rat. Or rat in a trap. Don't accept, Simmons.

You can't surrender, Blues! We haven't attacked you! Now go home and wait for us to attack and then you can surrender!

Wait. If we accept, that means we will have two surrenders and they will have none. That means we WIN!

Win what?

Uh, I don't know. The war... or something, right?

You're an idiot.

[shouting to Reds from a distance] In exchange for not killing us, they, them, we, they would like to (Tucker turns to him and stares at him) release the robot guy and me. [pause] The pink guy.

Are you becoming retarded?

What should we do, sir?

Sarge

I'm torn, between my intense distrust of the blue team, and the need for plans stored in my favourite robotic creation. No offense, Simmons.

None taken, sir. You removed the negative emotional center of my brain, and implanted it in Grif.

[crying] I CAN'T, I JUST CAN'T TAKE THIS, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

I don't think they're going for it.

Oh, MOTHERFUCKER!!

OKAY, NOW YOU'RE UNDER ATTACK! GO AND SURRENDER, BITCH!

Sarge

Nice thinking, Simmons.

[crying] The humanity!

ALRIGHT, THEY SURRENDER!

Fuck that. I'm pissed. Let's fight!

Prepare for Operation Circle of Confusion.

Uh, Church? It kinda looks more like a triangle from down here.

What?

I'm just saying it doesn't look like a circle. It kinda looks more like we're forming a triangle.

Okay, fine. Triangle of Confusion. Rhombus of Terror. Parabola of Mystery. WHO CARES!? Get the goddamn show on the road!

Church, the purple guy, he's...

I know, it's O'Malley, he must have gotten into the medic.

No...he's an asshole.

Help! He took Lopez!

Uuuuugghhh...

Come on mister Blue guy, you gotta wake up, wake up!

It hurts...just let me die.

You can't die! I'm bored! All these girls wanna talk about is chick stuff, and not the fun chick stuff like ribbons and unicorns.

I don't have treads, but I often find them staring at things they really shouldn't be.

You see? Boring stuff, like oppression and a hostile work environment!

Get Doc, I need Doc.

I can't, he got possessed by the evil guy and they escaped! He's the one who shot you, don't you remember?

I know, I want him to shoot me again.

Now, now, now. Sounds like someone's got a case of the poor me's. If you were gonna die, you would have done it by now! Maybe you just need to realize you're gonna to have to live with intense pain.

Get that Sarge guy. Have him make me a new body.

Ugh, we can't. We're out of parts because we overused that joke, and Sarge left with the others to go chase Doc. But don't you worry, they left a long time ago, so I'm sure they'll be back any minute. Simmons had a foolproof plan to catch 'em.

Keeping secrets? I find that attractive

You do?

In attractive people, yeah

everybody in the division was paired with an AI and codenamed for a state

what was your code name Tex?

Nevada

One for each state? So there's fifty of you.

Forty-nine. Remember?

Ooh, yeah. That's right. Man, poor Florida. (Tex, Donut, and Tucker all stare at the ground and take a moment of silence) Sigh...

OK , Anyway.

Good luck everyone. I packed you all lunches for the trip.

Thanks Sheila, that was really nice of you.

Not really. All my bag had was an air filter and a thermos full of brake fluid.

Don't forget to wash your exhaust pipe every day.

What can I do Sarge?

Sarge

I need you to run right at O'Malley.

And shank him with my shiv?

Sarge

No, when he blows you up with a rocket, try to see if you can get your dismembered limbs and guts to clog the barrels of his rocket launcher.

You're kidding?

Sarge

It's a remote chance, I know, but it's worth a shot.

(Catching the two behind a rock) OBLIVION IS AT HAND! HA HA!

(Points the rocket launcher at them) Cover your ears guys. This thing is really loud.

This is it!

Not so fast O'Malley! (Everyone turns to Simmons) Maybe we can't stop you, but I know who can! (A teleporter comes from nowhere, letting in the Zealot Solders)

ALRIGHT, NEW LEVEL! YEAH!

YAHOO! YAHOO! YEAH!

Hey guys, you want your flag? (All the zealots turn to Simmons) He's the one who has it! (Screen panel turns to O'Malley)

(Zealots turn to O'Malley) The crusade has begun! Our hour of glory is now at hand! Let all who would stand against us be washed in our divine light! (All the Zealots shoot at O'Malley)

NO, GET, GET AWAY FROM ME! NO, MY POWER IS DROPPING, STOP, DOWN!

We need to disarm Church's bomb Sarge.

Sarge

Right.

(Church gets struck by lightning) Yow woo hoo hoo! (Reds run up to Church)

Sarge

Hold still son, this will just take a second. (Sarge kneels down to Church's crotch)

Seriously, don't you ever install anything above the waist? (Sarge pops up again)

Sarge

OH NO! That last lightning bolt fused the detonator! There's no way to turn this thing off!

Can you do it manually?

Sarge

Impossible. I specifically designed it so I wouldn't be able to defuse it.

Why?

Sarge

In case I fell into the wrong hands, and was brainwashed to help the blues.

Nice thinking Sir.

You just had to get one last ass kiss in before we die, didn't you?

("tea-bagging" O'Malley) HUP HUP HUP!

NO, NOT, THAT'S DISGUSTING, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Let me try, let me try, heh heh heh, take that dude!

I'M BEING VIOLATED!!

Church, (Tucker points a rocket launcher at Church) there's only one thing I can do.

Hey, what the hell?!

There's only twenty seconds left!

If I blow you up before the bomb goes off, there's at least a small chance the rest of us will live.

But the rocket will kill me!

TEN SECONDS!

YOU'RE GOING TO DIE ANYWAY WHEN THE BOMB GOES OFF!

Hey, what can I tell you pal? Misery loves company.

FIVE SECONDS!

Sorry Church.

Aw man, this blows, you guys suck. (Tucker suddenly gets shot at the side)

WHAT THE HELL?! (Screen panel shows Agent Wyoming with a sniper)

Sorry Privet Tucker, but I always get my man. Say good bye.

Uh, guys, I hate to interrupt but, zero seconds.

Uh oh. (Church's bomb makes a series of beeps and dial noises)

What? Oh, son of a b- (Camera pans out to show the entire map, a small explosion is seen, then the camera fades to white)

What's going on? Who are you people?

He has amnesia! Tucker! Don't worry. You are safe. We're the reds, we are your mortal enemies. Wait. That didn't sound right.

Tucker! Tucker! I am so glad you are alive.

Caboose? Still so dumb, but you look so different.

We're in the future! Things are very shiny here.

The future? Oh, I can't fucking wait to hear this one.

Destroyed the present? Then where are we?

We're in the future numbnuts.

Aren't we in the present right now? Aren't we always in the present?

Unbelievable, he can't cope with the loss. He's in denial.

The bomb attached to Church sent us into the future. Good thing he was facing forward at the time.

Of course he was facing forward, what other way do people face?