TV show quotes
This evil cure Kryten, any idea on who they tested it on?
You think there might be wall-to-wall crazies in here? Running around rioting, screaming, and stabbing people?
You make it sound like my old school!
I want all the bazookoids, safetys off, ready to fire.
All the bazookoids are back on Red Dwarf, sir.
[Sighing] Have we got any guns with us?
Just your staple gun, sir.
Dramatic zoom in on Rimmer.
Fill her up!
It's because I'm Hitler, isn't it?
Ah! So you can't go anywhere, without us!
I only need one of you, [Aims gun at the crew] the rest of you are going to die! [To Cat] You!
Who, me?
You have no loyalty to them, a Cat has no fidelity to anyone but himself. Join me!
I don't care what the damn scan says, we're the Posse! [Begins to perform the 'Boys from the Dwarf' gang signal, with Kryten, Rimmer, and Cat following] Boys from the Dwarf!
Yeah!
Noones changing sides here!
Nu-huh!
[To Cat] I'll give you anything that you want!
Sounds good!
Cat walks across the room and stands next to Telford.
[Shocked] Cat man!
I'll give you anything that your heart desires, plus a special secret surprise, if you join us!
[Excited] I love secret surprises!
Cat excitedly jumps across the room and stands next to the crew again.
They're not going to be giving you anything since pretty soon they'll gonna be dead! In fact let me prove it to you by killing them one-by-one!
No wait! I'm with you! But I get to do it! [Becomes stonefaced]
Cat slowly walks across the room back to Telford, who cautiously aims the gun at Cat.
Can I trust you? Can I? [Aims gun right at Cat's head] Really?
I'm a psychopath, ain't I? You and me both! What more do you need?
Telford takes out a laser pistol from his back-pocket and hands it to Cat.
Cat takes the pistol, and shoots Telford in the face killing him instantly.
[On television monitor] Hey, bud! It's me! How you doing with that shirt?
Coming right up, sir.
[On television monitor] My ass is freezing here! I got six nipples you can hang mugs on!
I'm seconds away, sir.
The television monitor turns off and quickly back on showing Rimmer in a corridor.
[On television monitor] Kryten, I'm on B-deck, and it doesn't appear to have been mopped in at least two days. I can hardly see my face in it!
[Whispering to himself] A blessing, some would say. [Now speaking directly] I'm on it right now, sir.
The television monitor turns off and quickly back on showing Lister lying on a couch.
[On television monitor] Kryten, when you get a chance, could you grab us a beer?
Camera reveals Kryten and Lister in the same room.
Sir, I'm rather busy right now! Could you possibly get it yourself?
Fine.
Lister leans over and takes out a beer from the mini-fridge right next to him.
The black-clad mechanoids take Lister, Rimmer, and Cat away.
[Speaking to Kryten] Not you, my friend.
My crewmates, where are you taking them?
To face justice. We are the Mechanoid Intergalactic Liberation Front.
[Bewildered] MILFs?
I've got a registered trademark where my wing-dang-doodle used to be!
The Kryten-ifyed Lister, Rimmer, and Cat, after dismantling each other to get through the locked gate, finish reassembling and head-off.
Come on, let's go!
Kryten Rimmer pushes the nearby alarm button alerting their escape.
What are you doing?!
I'm sounding the alarm.
Change my head and call me Stanley! Whatever for?
I like being a mechanoid. I don't have to become an officer anymore, compete with my brothers. Envy, ambition, that acid ball of resentment I carried around with me the whole time; it's gone.
You need to get your neuroses back!
But sir, I don't want them back.
They're what makes you, you!
I want to be a mechanoid programmed to serve. Sometimes, when I was young, I'd sit for hours staring at our fish tank feeling envious.
You wanted to be a fish tank?!
I wanted to be a fish. They had food, a small rock to swim in and out of, they didn't have a care in the world.
That's 'cause I wasn't there!
The MILFs are preparing to inaugurate Kryten as an official member of their alliance.
I pledge my allegiance to the Mechanoid Intergalactic Liberation Front!
Kryten is given a black beret by Wind.
From this day forth, you shall be known as -
Kryten Lister runs in.
Kryten! What are you doing?!
Well, I'm becoming free, sir. I mean, I'm becoming free of you over there! I see now that you never cared for me. I was merely used to do your bidding! Well, no more! As I'm no longer your slave bot!
Kryten, don't you see? You've been brainwashed. You were never a slave bot!
Then what was I?
Lots of things! You were our science officer, our cook, my mum, and most of all, my friend. And you were all those things because you chose to be, Kryten. Not 'cause we made you. Kryten, you're no MILF! You're one of the boys from the Dwarf! [Kryten Lister does the Boys from the Dwarf gang signal, but with only one hand due to the other being cut off earlier]
Several other MILFs led by Areto, including Kryten Rimmer and Kryten Cat now completely brainwashed, march into the room.
There he is! Seize him!
They keep mech slaves in the engine room! They power the ship. They're hypocrites!
Kryten turns to Wind with a shocked expression.
Someone has to do the grunt work! Surely you're not suggesting Mk. 3s should do it.
Mk. 3s! Mk. 2s! You're all the same!
We're 7.6 millimetres thinner. 10 grams lighter. Plus we come in this really cool matte finish.
So cool!
Look, we're here to warn you that your ship is on a collision course with a very important moon called Planet Rimmer.
I'm gonna let you off with a caution.
[To the crew] Caution?! How dumb is this guy? [To the Crit Cop] Hey! Lieutenant Asshole, If you don't move your dumb-ass spaceship, we're gonna be flatter than your wife's droopy-ass titties, capisce?
The Crit Cops takes out a taser and shoots Cat with it.
You don't know what it was like before. Ship was a shambles. Everyone arguing, constantly choosing new captains. So they brought in the anti-criticism law to make people more tolerant.
But any smegger can see that society can't function like that.
Yeah, but once they outlawed criticism, nobody could criticise the criticism law because it was illegal to criticise! Idiots! I just criticised something, didn't I? Oh, God, I've not done that for ages, that felt good! Oh! Criticising's great, isn't it?! Gives ya a real lift! [To Rimmer] I don't like your shoes, by the way. [To Kryten] Ah! What's the story with his head? Looks like something from that TV show, "When Circumcisions Go Wrong"!
As Second Technician and acting senior officer onboard the JMC registered mining ship, Red Dwarf, I have the privilege to advise that, you, Third Technician David Lister have been promoted.
Which makes me equal with you so now, you can't demote me! You totally screwed that one up, didn't you, Rimmer?
Have been promoted from Third Technician to Technician 2.5, making you under my authority by half a command point, still giving me the ability to demote you.
So demote me then, like I care.
Maybe I won't demote you.
Of course you will.
Feels good, doesn't it? Does your chest jut out that bit more? Do you feel a little bit taller?
I told you Rimmer. I. Don't. Care.
I bet your gran would be proud, if she knew.
[Face turns solemn] I know what you're trying to do here, Rimmer.
In that case you'll know all I want is for you to be the best person you can be. Maybe, then, you'll stop drinking and getting fatter!
Hey, that's not fair, he's not getting fatter. He's always been this fat!
You think I'm the bad guy in this, don't you? But, Lister, you're bright, you could go places, maybe even further than me.
Definitely further than you.
And it frustrates me no end to see you fritter it all away. And, here's another thing. Just imagine how proud your gran would be if she'd known you'd be promoted. Am I right?
Maybe.
[Repeating] Maybe?
All right, she'd have been made-up. She always told me that...
[Interrupting] You're demoted.
A political advertisement suddenly starts on the monitor.
[On the television] Tonight we look at the two contenders, statesman and war hero, Arnold J. Rimmer, and toilet droid Kryten 2X4B 523P.
[Watching] What's this?
A mechanoid is running for election, but do the electorate know this droid has a history of mental illness? The only survivor on the Nova-5, he tended a crew of skeletons believing them to be alive. He now wants to look after you. Do you mind he can't tell the difference between the living and the dead?
[On the television] You're only as good as your running mate. Has anyone taken a close look at Kryten's number two, David 'Dodgy Boy' Lister?
[Watching] You what?
[On the television] A man who served a jail term in stasis for smuggling unquarantined animals aboard a JMC mining ship? Major questions remain unanswered!
A political advertisement suddenly starts on the monitor.
[On the television] This infomercial comes to you on behalf of the Independent Future Party.
Arnold Rimmer, a man who wiped out the crew of Red Dwarf and killed himself, twice! Are you really going to put your life in this maniac's hands?
[On the television] Arnold Rimmer. Not fit. Not trusted. A no-good, double-dealing, cheating, slimy little smegger!
On the television, Kryten runs up next to Lister.
That's enough, sir.
I got more, Kryten.
[To the camera] I'm Kryten 2X4B 523P, and I approve this message!
I've got more!
Lister realizes the ad is over and smiles at the camera next to Kryten.
[Singing a rendition of Happy Birthday to You] Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday, Mr. Lister! Happy birthday to you!
[Waking up from bed] Today?
[Setting down a birthday cake] It's the big one, sir!
What, I'm thirty?
Kryten chuckles and lifts his arms indicating a higher number.
Forty?
Kryten chuckles and lifts his arms again.
Oh, what am I doing? I don't want to know! Don't want to know. Brain, I'm not listening. [Covering his ears and miming singing] La la la la la la la.
The years pass, but with them comes the soothing balm of new found grace and maturity.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Red Dwarf pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
