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Red Dwarf

M-Corp

The program on the monitor finishes updating and the JMC logo is replaced with that of M-Corp along with a melodic tune accompanying it.

M-Corp?

Aniter appears on the screen.

AAniter

Your company has been bought by M-Corp. You probably have a lot of questions. Who is M-Corp? What do we do? Let's find out together. M-Corp is the biggest multinational conglomerate in known space. We lead, we innovate using our patented M-Corp port technology. Your ship will now be stocked with a variety of M-Corp products to elevate your lifestyle in space.

Several white crates marked with the M-Corp logo materialize onboard the ship.

AAniter

M-Corp. We love looking after you!

Anything on M-Corp?

They bought Earth in the late 26th century.

Bought Earth? Bought what exactly?

They bought the entire planet, sir. And everything on it. Including fixtures and fittings. Oceans, countries, animals, houses, curtains, you name it. They even bought all the stuff nobody likes. Maggots, quicksand, even the American chocolate.

Where'd they get all the dough from?

M-Corp owned all the electricity and oil and gas and wind. Even the rain water.

But the rain water belongs to Earth. To everyone and everything on it. My God, I've turned into a hippy.

And the Earth dudes just stood around and let this happen?

Well, by then, M-Corp had introduced a law to tax thinking.

A Think Tax?

[Points to Cat] You'd have got a rebate every year.

There's no way I'm buying anything off you guys! Ever.

Lister reacts to a sharp pain in his stomach.

AAniter

Would you like to buy some pain pills, Dave?

No.

Lister reacts to another sharp pain.

AAniter

We can dock it directly from your account.

[In pain] All right, fine! Quick.

The sound of a coin click plays as the pills appear.

Water! I need a glass of water!

AAniter

That will be 40 dollar-pounds, Dave.

[In disbelief] For water?

AAniter

For the glass. The water is a further 400 dollar-pounds.

Skipper

Rimmer is sat in the sleeping quarters writing as the Cat enters.

Hey, hey! Officer Smegski!

Cat sits alongside Rimmer.

How's it going, non bud!

I'm busy, don't disturb me. Last time you disturbed me, I was doing the safety check, and I failed to notice the diesel decks were flooded.

All I said was, "Help, I'm on fire."

[Looking at scanner screen] What is that?

It appears that some kind of anomaly has penetrated our universe.

I hate people who use the word anomaly. They think they're so cool. "Oh look, here's an anomaly anomalling away. I'm really cosmologically on-trend because I know what anomaly means." It's just a fancy-schmancy word for Weird.

Sir, something weird has penetrated our universe which appears to have caused a giant lesion across the space-time continuum. Is it okay to say "lesion" sir or would you prefer "cut"?

Lesions, cuts, they're both the same to me. It's people who say "continuum" that I can't stand.

Red Dwarf: The Promised Land

I'm a nobody really. Come on guys, back me up here.

Well, he's a nobody.

He's less than nobody!

An absolute zero.

Act like a God? You scarcely mastered human.

[close to tears] You don't need me. I'm not sure you ever did. I don't exist. What's the point of me?

[desperately] Rimmer, we're the posse. We're the "Boyz" from the Dwarf. We're like the Four Musketeers. D'Artagnan, Porthos, Athos... and the other one. Rimmer, you're the other one.

I'm the other one?

You do all the stuff that the other one does.

And what's that, then?

Other one stuff!

Other one stuff? What's other one stuff?

All the stuff that the others haven't done that the other one does.

I'm pointless.

No you're not.

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