Mmm (enjoys an ice cream cone in the top bunk as Rimmer lies in the lower bunk).
Who eats ice cream in bed?
Ah ah ah (ice cream plops on the floor) No complainin'. And no complainin' about not being able to complain about not complainin'.
Samsara
You know what the difference is between you and me?
I can't store hand luggage up me nostrils.
Smeg happens Rimmer, you just have to roll with it.
I've been rolling in smeg my whole damn life Lister. You don't need to lecture me about smeg rolling!
I got it! I got it! The inventor guy I'm like, begins with R!
Who?
Archimedes!
Give & Take
AAsclepius
[Singing a twisted version of Row, Row, Row Your Boat] Slow, slow, slow your blood, gently as you breath. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is such a scream.
Ah, I thought you might be here!
SSnacky
How could I be of service, sir?
I'd quite like to see you with regard to your psychiatric skills!
[Snacky backs away nervously]
[Blissfully unaware of Snacky's nervousness] I've got some issues with my father, who I recently discovered wasn't my father. Also I've got some issues with my mother, who very sadly, is my mother.
Officer Rimmer
Okay, okay, we got pictures coming through.
The display turns on, revealing the bio-printed Captain Edwin Herring, who unfortunately has his face on-top of his head following a printer jam.
HCaptain Herring
This is Captain Edwin Herring of the S.S. Nautilus, can you read me? Over.
Copy, Nautilus! But there's something wrong with our video feed. From our end you look like a hideous 19th century circus freak.
Bud! You look like you're wearing a toupée made of face!
Yeah, one look at you and even the Elephant Man would wanna jump in his mum and dad's bed!
HCaptain Herring
The bio-printer jammed, it's faulty. My face has been printed on the top of my head. Any advice?
Yeah, don't wear a hat!
HCaptain Herring
What's my position? Obviously, it's difficult to see.
What about your escape pods? Maybe use one of those!
HCaptain Herring
Too late, they've escaped. That's what happens when we put machines on artificial intelligence - they just look after number one.
Perhaps you should print some more of your crew, sir! Get assistance!
HCaptain Herring
I've just told you my bio-printer's faulty you cretin. My visuals are down... what's your name crewman?
Dave Lister, sir!
HCaptain Herring
Don't speak again Lister, understand?
Yes, sir!
Hey, what the hell is this?
CRClone Rimmer in a barbershop quartet
We're the barbershop quartet!
Any ID?
The barbershop quartet of cloned Rimmers gather in a horizontal line and begin to sing.
Rim, Rim, Rimmerdy, Rim, Rim,
Rim, Rim, Rimmerdy, Rim
Mr. Rimmer! We are what we seem! (Rim, Rim, Rim, Rim)
The cutest quartet, that you've ever seen! (Rim, Rim, Rim, Rim)
We got four mouths! A duet times two! (Rim, Rimmerdy, Rim)
This barbershop quartet is singing for you!
Krysis
Sparks suddenly fly within the cockpit as the alarm begins to ring.
What the smeg was that?
Its the EM boosters. Of course! Butler, the damn fool, he didn't realize that unlike the Nova-3, all our boards have universal linkage!
Meaning?
The engines are gonna burnout, sir! He'll look utterly stupid!
So does that mean we'll gonna crash?
How stupid is he gonna look then!
Yeah, but say we die!
Even better!
Is there no way we can land and repair?
Well, we could. But why should we help Butler out?
Kryten!
Oh, my jealousy chip's overloading, sir! Return to sane mode! [Computer sounds emit from Kryten] Of course we should land!
Can of Worms
[After Cat has hidden his Polymorph children from the rest of the crew]
Well we have to narrow down the search somehow.
Got an idea! Turn off all the heat in the ship apart from in the diesel decks, so it'll drive him down there!
And then what?
Track them down undetected!
They are Polymorphs! They feed off emotions, they will sense us!
Not if one of us has got no emotions, as they've had them all removed!
[Confused] Eh?
Listy, if you have a personality tuck to remove all your emotions, we'll sorted!
That stupid tuck machine, why me?
Kryten is the only one who knows how to operate it, so it can't be him. [Kryten nods in agreement] It can't be me, obviously. That leaves you!
Why can't it be you?
Don't interrupt.
Cured
Moonbase coming up on our starboard side, what is this place Krytes?
Mmh, according to the ident, it's a United America scientific research station.
United America? Who's that?
Well, at the end of the 23rd century, America attempted to bring peace to the world by asking every nation on Earth to sign a peace treaty. Any nation that refused, they invaded. Now, a war ensued that was called, 'The War Against War'! Those countries that went to war, because they were so against war that they were prepared to go to war to fight in a war against war, called themselves, United America!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Red Dwarf pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.