Kryten quotes from Red Dwarf

Lister

Computer Senility. It's such a weird condition.

Kryten

I know. I had a mechanoid friend once who suffered from the same affliction. His name was Gilbert, but he preferred it if people called him "Rameses Niblick the Third, Kerplunk Kerplunk, Whoops, Where's My Thribble?". A sad case.

Rimmer

Well, if you ask me the eskimos had the right idea. They kmew how to handle the elderly and the permanently baffled: middle of the night, they'd take the out into the blizzard, remove their pyjamas, and just leave them to it.

Kryten

That's how eskimos cared for their old people

Rimmer

Absolutely. That's why there's no eskimo word for 'Eastbourne'.

Cat

Great(!) Where does this leave us?!

Kryten

It leaves us floating aimlessly in space with no navigation and a rapidly diminishing emergency power supply. It leaves us galloping up diarrhea drive without a saddle.

Lister

If you don't eat, like, 400 rounds of toast every hour, he throws a major wobbler. That's what caused the accident in the first place.

Kryten

What accident?

Lister

The accident involving me, the Toaster, the waste disposal and a 14-pound lump hammer!

Kryten

That explains why he was down in the garbage hold in three thousand separate pieces.

Lister

NO TOAST!

Toaster

But I am a toaster. It is my raison d'etre. I toast, therefore I am. If you don't want any toast, why did you repair me, hm?

Lister

Yeah, why did you repair him?

Kryten

He's a guinea pig for a technique called "Intelligence Compression." His AI chips were very badly damaged in the accident.

Toaster

But that was no accident! That was first-degree toastercide!

Lister

Just shut your grill!

Kryten

Umm, can anyone hear anything?

Cat

No.

Kryten

Exactly, no one can hear anything, and do you know why we can't hear anything?

Rimmer

(annoyed) Why?

Kryten

(in a spooky voice) Because there are no sounds to hear!

Rimmer

Kryten, isn't it around this time that your head goes back to the lab for re-tuning?

Kryten

But there are fifty-three doors between here and the Science Room!

Lister

They're only internal doors, they're only a light alloy. We could get through 'em if we had a battering ram. Something... I dunno... about six foot long, fairly sturdy, with a flat top.

Kryten

53 doors?! You can't be serious!

Lister

You alright, man?

Kryten

I'm fine, thank you, Susan.

Rimmer

You're going to drink an entire six-pack of wicked-strength lager?

Lister

I'm not going to get plastered, Rimmer, just...just nicely drunk.

Rimmer

Define 'nicely drunk', is 'nicely drunk' horizontal or perpendicular?

Lister

Rimmer, I can handle it.

Kryten

I'm not sure I can!

Rimmer

What's your name, soldier?

Kryten

His name's Ghandi, sir. Mahatma Ghandi.

Rimmer

Well, get him out of that damn nappy and into a uniform.

Kryten

This is Mr. Noel Coward, sir.

Delighted to meet you, dear boy.

Rimmer

Shut up!

Rimmer

What now?

Kryten

Well, I suggest we start to run, sir. I suggest we ambulate as fast as the local gravity will allow.

Rimmer

Why?

Kryten

Because of them, sir.

Kryten

Sir?

Kryten

Sir! What are you thinking of?

Lister

It's okay. He'll come out in a couple a days, and he'll have been through what he put us through. Does anyone fancy a vindaloo?

Cat

What, am I the only sane one here? Why don't we drop the defensive shields?

Kryten

A superlative suggestion, sir, with just two minor flaws. One: we don't have any defensive shields. And two: we don't have any defensive shields. Now I realise that, technically speaking, that's only one flaw; but I thought it was such a big one, it was worth mentioning twice.

Kryten

They've taken Mr. Rimmer! Sir, they've taken Mr. Rimmer!

Cat

Quick -- let's get out of here before they bring him back!

Kryten

What you're suggesting is immoral and illegal. Mind patching is outlawed.

Rimmer

But it is possible.

Kryten

Possible but highly dangerous. The side effects can be devastating. You could be reduced to a gibbering simpleton.

Cat

Reduced?

Rimmer

I don't care. I'm prepared to take the chance.

Lister

Even if it costs you your mind?

Cat

It's a small price to pay.

Rimmer

Look, on that ship I can touch, I can feel, I can taste. I'm not a half man any more. With them I'm whole again.

Lister

Rimmer, they're a bunch of arrogant, pompous, emotionally weird, stuck-up megalomaniacs. Do you really think you're going to fit in with them? (Pause) What am I saying? Bon voyage!

Rimmer

Wasn't it St. Francis of Assisi himself who said, "Never give a sucker an even break"?

Kryten

Well, if he did, sir, it was strictly off the record.