Kryten quotes from Red Dwarf

Kryten

It's alright sir, he's buffing he's programed not to harm humans.

Rimmer

Ah, 'scuse me. Alright miladdo the party's over. I had about as much of this as I'm goona take. It's no good standing there with your chest and silly oiled nipples; doesn't impress me one bit. Now I don't know were you came from, and frankly I don't much care, but if you don't skidaddle pronto, you're going to see a side of me you won't much like.

Lister

Whats he gonna do, drop his trousers?

Kryten

He's an android. His brain couldn't handle the concept of there being no silicon heaven.

Lister

So how come yours can?

Kryten

Because I knew something he didn't.

Lister

What?

Kryten

I knew I was lying. No silicon heaven? Preposterous! Where would all the calculators go?

Kryten

Is this the human value you call...friendship?

Lister

Don't give me that Star Trek crap, it's too early in the morning.

Kryten

How do you take the safety catch off on this thing, Mr David? (Holding up bazookoid)

Lister

The one on the back - at the side.

Kryten

The blue switch?

Lister

No, the orange one!

Kryten

I can't see an orange switch. There's a red switch here...

Lister

No, don't touch the red switch! That's the dismantler!

Hudzen

See you in Silicon Heaven!

Kryten

It doesn't exist!

Hudzen

What doesn't exist?

Kryten

Silicon Heaven! There's no such place!

Hudzen

No such place as Silicon Heaven?

That's right! The whole place is a big con!

Hudzen

No such place as Silicon Heaven?

Kryten

No!

Hudzen

Then where do all the calculators go?

Kryten

They just die.

A metaphysical dichotomy has caused this unit to overload and shut down. Divadroid International would like to apologise for any inconvenience this may cause. A credit note will be forwarded to your company immediately.

Lister

What happened?

Kryten

He's an android. His brain couldn't handle the concept of there being no Silicon Heaven.

Lister

So how come yours can?

Kryten

Because I knew something he didn't.

Lister

What?

Kryten

I knew I was lying. No Silicon Heaven? Preposterous! Where would all the calculators go? (he and Lister fistbump)

Kryten

Has anyone ever told you that the configuration and juxtaposition of your features is extraordinarily apposite?

Wow, you really know all the lines, don't you?

Kryten

[upon showing Lister a photo of his penis] Well?

Lister

Well what?

Kryten

Well, what do you think?

Lister

I'm not quite with you here, Kryten, what am I supposed to say?

Kryten

I want to know, is that normal?

Lister

What, taking photographs of it and showing it to your mates? No, it's not!

Kryten

Well, i-it's supposed to look like that?

Lister

....well yeah.

Kryten

But it's hideous! That's the best design they could come up with!? Are you seriously telling me there were choices and someone said "Ah. There. That's it. That's the shape we're looking for; the 'last-chicken-in-the-shop' look." Shakepseare had one. Einstein. Perry Como sang 'Memories Are Made of This' with one of those stashed in his slacks!?'

Lister

Well yeah.

Kryten

No wonder humans don't have a zoom mode!

Kryten

I've been a complete and total polaroid-head.

Lister

Yeah, you've had your head right up your recharge socket.

Kryten

With respect, sir, they're not androids, they're simulants.

Cat

What's the difference?

Kryten

Well, the basic difference is that an android would never rip off a human's head and spit down his neck.

Kryten

Name?

Lister

Dave Lister.

Kryten

Occupation?

Lister

[looks bewildered for a moment, then answers] Uh, bum.

Kryten

Sir, would you describe the accused [Rimmer] as a friend?

Cat

Take the Fifth!

Kryten

Sir, please answer the question. Remember you are under polygraphic surveillance: Would you describe the accused as a friend?

Lister

No, I'd describe the accused as a git.

Kryten

And who would you say feels most fondly for him?

Lister

Well, I do.

Kryten

And there are no others who have shared intimate moments with him?

Lister

Only one, but she's got a puncture!

Rimmer

Objection!

Overruled.

Kryten

I ask the court one key question: would the Space Corps have allowed this man [points at Rimmer] ever to be in a position where he might endanger the ship? A man so petty and small-minded he would while away his evenings sewing name labels on to his ship-issue condoms? A man of such awesome stupidity --

Rimmer

Objection!

Objection overruled.

Kryten

A man of such awesome stupidity, he even objects to his own defense counsel. What an overzealous trumped up little squirt!

Lister

So, if it's not Bellini in there, who is it?

Rimmer

One of the prisoners. And considering the ship was transporting forty psychotic, half-crazed, mass-murdering, super-strong androids, we thought it prudent to find out who the smeg was in there before we woke them up.

Kryten

With respect, sir, they're not androids. They're simulants.

Cat

What's the difference?

Kryten

Well, the basic difference is that an android would never rip off a human's head and spit down his neck.

Lister

Can we stop it, Hol?

What? Oh. No. One-way process.

Lister

Can't we X-ray the pod?

No. Lead lining. That's to survive in space, innit?

Lister

There must be some way of finding out.

Well, there is. All you 'ave to do is 'ang around 'ere for 24 hours. Then, if you find your limbs scattered across deep space and your neck full of saliva, you can take it as read it probably wasn't Babs.

Kryten

Oh, sir, can we take a break for a while? It appears my intelligence circuits have melted.

Rimmer

Kryten, we're not going to get through them all if we take a second break.

Kryten

Sir, that's a gamble I'm willing to take!

Cat

I've got it. We laser our way through.

Kryten

An excellent plan, with just two drawbacks: One, we don't have a power source for lasers; and Two, we don't have any lasers.