Kryten quotes from Red Dwarf

Kryten

They say, due to the number of these letters of recommendation, they have absolutely no option but to request you stop writing them.

Kryten

(Speaking to the skeletal crew) Well, here they are.

Rimmer

(Enters and bows) Carmita...(Sees the skeletons and stays in his bow, jaw agape)

Lister

Well...it's a bit difficult to know what to say. Isn't it, Ace?

Kryten

Well, isn't anybody going to say, "Hello?"

Lister

(To Rimmer) I think the blonde one's giving you the eye.

Kryten

Well, I'll leave you to get acquainted. I'll just go and fix some tea. (Exits)

Cat

(To the skeleton of Tracy) Hi, baby!

Rimmer

I don't believe this.

Lister

Be strong, Big Man!

Rimmer

Our first contact with intelligent life in three million and two years and it's the android version of Norman Bates.

Cat

Come on, guys. So they're a little on the skinny side.

Lister

Listen, girls. I don't know whether this is the time or place to say this but my mate, Ace, here is incredibly, 'credibly brave!

Rimmer

Smeg off, dog food face!

Lister

And he's got just tons and tons of girlfriends!

Rimmer

I'm warning you, Lister!

Kryten

(Noticing the silence) Well, is anything the matter?

Rimmer

Anything the matter? They're dead.

Kryten

Who's dead?

Rimmer

(Pointing to the skeletons) They are dead. They're all dead.

Kryten

My God! Well, I was only away two minutes!

Rimmer

They've been dead for centuries!

Kryten

No!

Rimmer

Yes!

Kryten

Are you a doctor?

Rimmer

You've only got to look at them. They've got less meat on them than a Chicken McNugget! [The "Mc" is edited out of all American broadcasts]

Kryten

Well, what am I going to do? I'm, I'm, I'm programmed to serve them.

Lister

I think the first thing we should do is bury them.

Kryten

You're that sure they're dead?

Rimmer

(Exasperated) Yes!

Kryten

(Indicating the skeleton of Anne) What about this one?

Rimmer

There's a simple test. (To the skeletons) All right, girls, hands up, those of you who are alive.

Kryten

What about the Space Corps Directive, which states, "It is our primary overriding duty to contact other life-forms, exchange information and, whenever possible, bring them home"?

Rimmer

What about the Rimmer Directive, which states "Never tangle with anything that's got more teeth than the entire Osmond family"?

Lister

(Holding up a banana) Okay, let's try again. What is it?

Kryten

It's a banana.

Lister

No, it isn't. Try again. What is it?

Kryten

It's a banana?

Lister

(Exasperated) No, it isn't! What is it?

Kryten

It's an orrrr....It's an orrrr....

Lister

It's an orange! Go on, say it. It's an orange! This! Is! An orange!

Kryten

It's an orrrr...It's an orrrr...It's a banana!

Kryten

Sir, is it possible you could have made a mis-smelling?

Cat

Listen, butter-pat head! My nostril-hairs are vibrating faster than the springs on a Spaniard's honeymoon bed! I'm telling you, there's something out there!

Rimmer

May I remind you of Space Corps Directive 34124?

Kryten

34124? "No officer with false teeth should attempt oral sex in zero-gravity"?

Kryten

Whatever it is, they clearly have a technology way in advance of our own!

Lister

So do the Albanian State Washing Machine Company.

Rimmer

Suggestions?

Kryten

Sir, may I recommend I load myself into the reverse-thrust tubes and you use my body as decoy fodder? This will of course leave me splattered across deep space and unable to complete today's laundry, for which I apologise in advance.

Rimmer

Kryten, stop your blathering and get in the damn tube. [Kryten nods and stands up]

Lister

Kryten, sit down! [Kryten sits back down] I'm not doing me own smegging ironing.

Lister

Wait a minute. Have anyone ever seen Revenge of the Surfboarding Killer Vampire Bikini Girls?

Kryten

I think that one slipped us by, sir.

Lister

Well, there's this one scene, when the good-looking unconventional female journalist who wore glasses and a tight sweater was trapped, deep in the bottom of the Surfboarding Killer Vampire Bikini Girls' lair, and she came up with this award-winning escape plan.

Lister

What - you're us? All four of us? Our combined minds and personalities, blended together?

Oh, but much more than that, exponentially more. The whole becomes far greater than the sum of its parts.

Rimmer

So we can't leave because you're us? You're created from us? If we leave, you cease to be.

Without you, my friends, I am quite literally nothing.

Cat

So if he's us, he can't hurt us, right?

Cat

Wrong.

Kryten

But this is insane. Hurting us is hurting yourself. Our pain is your pain.

Kryten, you forget: not only do I possess your combined intellects and memories, I also share the sum of your malice and rage and anger, magnified many times. I'm capable of quite insanely irrational behaviour. Watch.

The next hint of insurrection, and the scalpel ends up...here (holding the scalpel to his scrotum).

Kryten

Legion, that kind of tough talk doesn't scare us.

Yes, it does!

Lister

What the smeggin' hell is going on?

Kryten

Good afternoon, Mister David, sir.

Lister

[Holds up a pair of boxer shorts] What are these?

Kryten

Your boxer shorts, Mister David, sir.

Lister

No way are these my boxer shorts, these bend! What have you done to the place?

Kryten

I've done a spot of tidying up.

Lister

But where is everything? Where's me coffee cup with the mould in it?

Kryten

I threw it away, sir.

Lister

But I was breeding that mould! His name was Albert! I was trying to get him two foot high!

Kryten

Why, sir?

Lister

Because it drives Rimmer nuts! And driving Rimmer nuts is what keeps me going.

Kryten

I think there's something wrong with the gearbox. The thing is, I learned to drive in Starbug 2. I'm not used to the controls in Starbug 1.

Rimmer

They're exactly the same.

Kryten

Yes. That's the problem.

Rimmer

Kryten, get the hacksaw and follow me.

Kryten

Where are we going?

Rimmer

We're going to do to Lister what Alexander the Great once did to me.

Kryten

[watching Rimmer's old home movies] Who's that there? An old girlfriend, Mr Arnold, sir?

Rimmer

Hardly.

Kryten

No, not really your type, I suppose. Silly old trout like that.

Rimmer

She's my mother.

Kryten

Oh! Oh God- I am SO sorry, sir!

Rimmer

Just forget it.

Kryten

Oh, how can I forget it, sir?! I compared it to a foolish aged blubbery fish! I said she was a- A simple-minded, scaly old piscine! I intimated she was an ugly, lungless marine animal with galloping senility! A putrid, amphibious, gill-breather with- with- with less brains than a mollusc!

Rimmer

Forget it! Freeze. Ah, there she is. Magnificent woman. Very prim, very proper. Some thought austere. Some took her for cold, thought she was aloof. No, not a bit of it. She just despised idiots, no time for fools. Tragic really, otherwise we'd have got on famously.

Kryten

Well, if you'll excuse me sir, I'll go now. This is very clearly a private family moment. I've no fish to embarass you further, I'll let myself trout. [beat] OH SIR, I'M SO-

Rimmer

Just. Go.

Kryten

Is it me or is that cockroach shuffling too loudly?

Rimmer

Kryten, it's called a hangover, don't panic...

Lister

We're on a mining ship, 3 million years into deep space. Can someone please tell me where the smeg I got this traffic cone?!

Cat

Hey, it's not a good night unless you get a traffic cone! It's the policewoman's helmet and the suspenders I don't understand!