Dave Lister quotes from Red Dwarf

Kryten

[to Lister] We've lost sight of Miss Kochanski's ship, sir. And we're fast running out of time.

Lister

Yeah, it's good, isn't it?

Kryten

No sir, I don't believe it is.

Lister

Why? Don't you like her?

Kryten

I'm a mere mechanoid, sir. It's hardly my place to point out what a bossy old trollop she is.

Kryten

I'm going to end up on my own again, just like I did on the Nova 5.

Lister

You killed the crew, Kryten! No wonder you were left on your own! All right, it was an accident, but nonetheless!

Kryten

But what about before that? It was the same on the SS Augustus!

Lister

Well, they died of old age!

Kryten

You see?

Lister

[about Rimmer] I never wanna see or hear from that scum sucking, lying, weasel minded smeghead in my entire life.

Kryten

Sigmund Freud, eat your heart out.

Kryten

Perhaps I didn't make myself clear. I said supper is ready! (He fires, completely destroying the gazebo) Is anyone still unclear as to the supper situation? No? Excellent!

Lister

Didn't know robots got PMT!

Lister

It's nice, Kryts, really nice.

Kochanski

It's really great!

Lister

In fact it's better than nice, it's fantastic!

Kochanski

Isn't it great!

Lister

It's really great!

Kochanski

It's really really great!

Cat

Are we eating the same stuff?

Kryten

I don't know why I make the effort? No one appreciates the hours I put into food prep. My fingers are practically worn down to the exoskeleton!

Lister

Is there any Ketchup?

Kryten

Any what?!

Lister

Ketchup, I thought it could do with a bit of ketchup, just a dollop...

Lister

Ketchup?!

Kochanski

Oh my god..

Kryten

You want Ketchup?!

Lister

Emmm... Brown not tomato, Brown. It's not like I've got no class?

Kryten

With Lobster? You want brown ketchup?!

Lister

It's really nice Kryts, but you know me. I just thought it could do with a bit of a pep up...

Kryten

I can't believe it... I simply cannot B...! (His head explodes)

Cat

Oh well done bud! Now we'll have to do the washing up.

Kochanski

He's literally blown his top. Cat, can you go and get a spare head?

Cat

How come I have to do everything around here? I can't get a second to myself. Cat do this, Cat do that. What am I, a dog?!

Cat

[about Kryten, whose head had just blown up] Life without a head. That's gonna seriously put a real crimp on his lifestyle. What can he do without a head?

Lister

Apart from being you, hardly anything.

Lister

Can you explain it to me? Something a bit more confidence-stirring than "Can I hack off your limb?"

Kryten

The plan is to inject antivirals in a precise pattern through your body, forcing epideme into your arm.

Lister

And then you cut it off. Great plan. What choice have I got?... Okay, but make it my left arm, okay. 'Cause my right arm does all my favourite things.

Lister

You absorb knowledge from every person you kill?

So you can appreciate killing you ain't exactly a career highlight. No offence, but when you're a virus, there ain't much call for knowing how to open a lager bottle with your anus.

Kochanski

Hi. I'm so sorry.

Lister

My left arm I said. Thats my right. What kind of Navigation Officer can't tell left from right?

Kochanski

(Disgusted by all the corpses on the Leviathan) I've never seen anything like this!

Lister

You weren't around for my last party, were ya?

Lister

But does it change anything?

Kochanski

Listen, having only one arm will make no difference to any woman that cares about you.

Lister

What about sex?

Kochanski

Not here, it's too sandy.

Lister

Hey guys, look at me body.

Cat

Now there is an invitation that will NOT cause a stampede.

Rimmer

One day in this lousy, stinking penal colony and I'm cracking up. Everyone's so deranged and brutal, it's frightening. This afternoon I was so depressed I went to see the social worker.

Lister

Was he any help?

Rimmer

Not really; he beat me up. He said I was a whining nancy-boy with girlie white legs, then pummelled me repeatedly with his book, Showing Compassion to Inmates.

Lister

I thought social workers were supposed to be nice?

Rimmer

In the end I was so shell-shocked I went to see the priest and explained everything.

Lister

What did he say?

Rimmer

He said I was a whining baby who was missing his mum. Then he beat me up, too. You can still see the crucifix marks in the back of my head.

Lister

Have you figured a way to get us out of here, Hol?

I have actually, Dave. I've devoted all my run-time to looking for a loop-hole in the prison regs. I think I've come up with something that means you can serve your entire two-year sentence in just fourteen weeks.

Lister

Ah, Brilliant! What have I got to do?

Become a dog.

Lister

What have I signed up for?

Rimmer

In the 19th century, when miners went down a pit: they'd lower a canary down first, in a little cage. [...] And if the atmosphere was noxious, as it frequently was, guess what the canary did?

Lister

Complained to the Foreman?

Rimmer

It died, Listy! The canary's job was to go into the most dangerous, unpleasant and most smeggy situations and see if it could stay alive. Then they'd know if it was safe to send in the important people. [...] How come you've never heard of the canaries? They've got recruitment posters all over the men's bogs! How come you've not seen them?

Lister

When I'm in the men's toilets in prison, Rimmer, I tend not to look around; d'yknow what I'm saying? It's like playing Golf; I concentrate on my grip, keep my eye on the ball and try not to veer off to the side!