[Lister has signed up for the Canaries]
What have I signed up for?
RimmerIn the 19th century, when miners went down a pit: they'd lower a canary down first, in a little cage. [...] And if the atmosphere was noxious, as it frequently was, guess what the canary did?
Complained to the Foreman?
Rimmer
It died, Listy! The canary's job was to go into the most dangerous, unpleasant and most smeggy situations and see if it could stay alive. Then they'd know if it was safe to send in the important people. [...] How come you've never heard of the canaries? They've got recruitment posters all over the men's bogs! How come you've not seen them?
When I'm in the men's toilets in prison, Rimmer, I tend not to look around; d'yknow what I'm saying? It's like playing Golf; I concentrate on my grip, keep my eye on the ball and try not to veer off to the side!
[Lister and Rimmer plan to leave after seeing Krytie TV's "Ladies Shower Night," fearing it could damage their appeal]
Rimmer
I want no part of this.
Rimmer
We've gotta go.
Rimmer
Not a minute to lose.
Rimmer
Me too. After two. One, two, go!
[They still sit there, moving their heads sideways, while watching the feature.]
First, we sabotage the date.
What, "we"? You mean you're gonna help me?
Step on board the "love express," sir! Now, we get to his quarters through the air vents; I've paid off the guards. Then you make him look like the nerdiest slob in the entire universe. This is what you leave in his quarters. A half-eaten onion sandwich. That's always a passion-killer.
Then there's this: "Morris Dancer Monthly." What a total dweebo nerdmeister he'll look with those!
Rimmer
They're mine!
And then there's these: tragically unfashionable underpants.
Rimmer
[exasperated] They're mine!
And finally: Christian rock music. It that doesn't scare her off, nothing will.
Rimmer
Have you been going through my things?
[Rimmer is reading a letter to Lister from Peterson]]
Rimmer
My God, that is tragic.
Why, what's happened to him? Has he died?
Rimmer
Died?? You'd think he'd write and tell you?
No, you're right, man, I'm not thinking straight. He'd be to busy organising his funeral wouldn't he? What's happened to him?
Rimmer
Somthing catastrophic. Hideous. He's found your guitar in Starbug's wreckage and is sending it here.
[Rimmer is looking stressed]
Rimmer
Of cause I'm not OK. I hate your guitar. If I wanted to share a cell with an irritating lump of wood, I'd have moved in with an Australian soap star!
I didn't think you thought I was THAT bad.
Rimmer
Didn't you get a clue that time I tried to insert it in you?
You would've had a better chance if you started with the neck end.
[Lister and Rimmer plan to leave after seeing Krytie TV's "Ladies Shower Night," fearing it could damage their appeal]
Rimmer
I want no part of this.
Rimmer
We've gotta go.
Rimmer
Not a minute to lose.
Rimmer
Me too. After two. One, two, go!
[They still sit there, moving their heads sideways, while watching the feature.]
And now, I'm going to stare at a cracked floor tile. [He does so. The other inmates yell in displeasure.]
KCKill Crazy
What's he doing that for?!
Remember: Shower Night is a Pay-Per-View event. Start filling those buckets!
[Men in "Krytie TV" t-shirts approach the inmates with buckets. The inmates put cans of beer, cigarettes and other items in the buckets.]
Rimmer
I don't believe this! He's running it like a business! There's even a bloke there selling ice creams!
Never mind him. Now. We got to go RIGHT NOW.
Rimmer
I'm going, I'm going.
And now, I'm going to get close and personal with one of the showers, Miss Kristine Kochanski!
[Rimmer and Lister stop as soon as they hear this and slowly turn round.]
Rimmer
Fancy a choc-ice?
[They sit down. Lister pushes another inmate's head out the way.]
Both Birdman and Pete have been restored to their former selves
Rimmer
Now, destroy the time wand.
This machine's priceless!
Rimmer
Destroy it.
[Lister destroys the time wand. Moments later, a giant dinosaur egg is discovered behind a corner.]
Rimmer
Now...rebuild...the time wand! It's absolutely priceless!
Arnold Judas Rimmer, your life is over. Come with me. You will travel to the River Styx, where you will place a coin and --
Rimmer
Not today, matey. [knees Death in the groin] Remember, only the good die young.
[gasping] That's never happened to me before.
Rimmer
Can you tell me what this is?
MCMirror Cat
(smells it) It's an alkali.
Rimmer
Oh yes, what's it called?
MCMirror Cat
Cesiumfrancolithicmyxialobidiumrixidixidoxidexidroxhide. You look surprised?
Rimmer
I never thought I'd ever hear you say that. Can you write it down for me?
MCMirror Cat
Certainly. (To Mirror Kochanski) Could I have an extremely long piece of paper, my dear?
Back to Earth
You were supposed to be manning the sonar, Rimmer! You could have gotten us all killed!
Rimmer
Is this about you again? It is, isn't it? Can't you see right now I need some me time? My heart is still hammering. I don't know how I got through that.
Rimmer
I was nearly there. That's close enough for me.
KKaterina
You think you outsmart me, yes? But you don't, I here. Cut a second hole.
Rimmer
Science officer, excellent. So pleased you've caught up with us.
KKaterina
You gave me slip, I know. You not want to be erased. But you won't defeat me, I too smart.
Rimmer
Erase me? I thought it was murder to kill a hologram.
KKaterina
No, hologram already dead. Morally, ethically, hologram killing fine!
Rimmer
Fair enough. [Rimmer suddenly pushes her into oncoming traffic, and her image shorts out] Come on, we haven't got all day.
She didn't see that coming did she. I did.
Whats going to happen to everybody in the reality we left? The guys all watching us on T.V?
Well, they will continue to exist as a consequence of us creating them in our hallucination, sir. Its quantum mechanics, every decision that is made creates a new universe, as do all dreams and hallucinations, its multi-verse 1.0.1.
Rimmer
But those sad suckers will live out the rest of their lives convinced they're the real ones and we are characters from a T.V show.
And you know if you tell them the truth, you know what they would probably do?
Rimmer
Laugh.
Yeah. [They all snigger] They probably would.
Series X
Trojan
Red Dwarf · 473 quotes
