Arnold Rimmer quotes from Red Dwarf

Cat

There's an old cat saying: "If you're gonna eat tuna, expect bones."

Rimmer

There's an old human saying: "If you're gonna talk garbage, expect pain."

Rimmer

My escape plan worked then?

Cat

What escape plan?

Rimmer

The valiant plan whereby I set off the disintegration of the ship's hull by bravely leaping into the escape pod, thereby creating a diversion, so you could...(pauses) Actually, how did you escape?

Kryten

Please, sir, don't panic.

Rimmer

It's not panic, it's a full blown hysterical fit.

Kryten

Grind those balls, sir. Grind them!

Rimmer

So let me get this straight. If we board that ship and get captured, we're finished. However, if we board that ship, don't get captured, but the superstructure disintegrates around us, we're finished. On the other hand, if we board that ship, don't get captured and the superstructure doesn't disintegrate around us, but we can't find any fuel, we are in fact finished?

Lister

That's about the shape of it, yeah.

Kryten

After you with the balls, sir...

Lister

This might sound like a bit of a corny line, but... I can't bring myself to say it.

Rimmer

Say what?

Lister

Take us to your leader.

Kryten

Sir, how could you?

Rimmer

Enough of this heresy. At the stroke of dawn take them out and kill them. And when you've killed them, burn the bodies, then bring me the cold ashes on a silver plate with a glass of chilled sancerre.

Cat

This guy's an animal. Doesn't he know it's red wine with cold ashes?

Rimmer

It can't have gone unnoticed that morale is at an all-time low. We've lost all trace of Red Dwarf and supplies are low. So I have decided to appoint myself morale officer and set myself the task of raising morale all round. Now I thought it would productive if we all met once a week and had a coffee or a beer -- whatever's your poison -- and get any troubles we may have off our chests. Any objections? [the others mutter agreement.] Well, as it's week one, why don't I start? You know what it is about Lister that really makes me want to puke? That really makes me want to stab him in both eyes with an icepick? Everything, that's what. Especially his godawful chirpy gerbil-faced optimism. And as for the Cat -- what an unbelievable git. And Kryten -- if he doesn't change pronto, I swear I'll attach jump leads to his nipple nuts and fry him like a Cajun catfish. Well, that's cleared the air. I don't know about you, but I certainly feel better. Thank for your contributions gentlemen. See you at next week's morale meeting. Marvellous. [exits]

Lister

Good meeting.

Rimmer

Give us visual. Let's see what it's like out there.

Lister

Okay, punching it up.

Lister

Hey, I don't get it! We're still where we were!

Kryten

Of course. We're still in deep space, sir, only now we're in deep space in the 15th century. Isn't it wonderful?

Rimmer

So we're still three million years away from Earth?

Rimmer

Give us visual. Let's see what it's like out there.

Lister

Okay, punching it up.

Lister

Hey, I don't get it! We're still where we were!

Kryten

Of course. We're still in deep space, sir, only now we're in deep space in the 15th century. Isn't it wonderful?

Rimmer

So we're still three million years away from Earth?

Kryten

Well, yes.

Lister

[sighs] Taking her back to the present.

Kryten

Keyed in. Engage.

Rimmer

So forgive me if I'm being thicker than the offspring of a village idiot and a TV weather girl, but what was the point of that little exercise? Fun though it was, drinking in the heady medieval atmosphere of pre-Renaissance deep space, the drive is next to useless, yes?

Rimmer

Ohhhhhh dear!

Cat

What? Is he fat?

Rimmer

Far from it, he's lost a bit of weight, actually. In fact, he's lost quite a bit of everything.

Cat

So what do we do?

Rimmer

Have we got any chance of winning?

Kryten

Their craft is greatly upgraded. We have no chance whatsoever.

Rimmer

Then I say fight! (dramatic chord of music)

Rimmer

Better dead than smeg!

Lister

Ye-es! Cat?

Cat

Better dead than sofa-size butt!

Lister

Kryten?

Kryten

Better anything than that toupee!

Kryten

But there may be...

Rimmer

Kryten...? Kryten?! There may be a what? A way out of this? Is that what you were gonna say? Sp... speak, Kryten! How can we change what's happening?

Rimmer

Do you think it's because the subspace conduits have locked with the transponder calibrations and caused a major tachyon surge that has overloaded the time matrix?

Kryten

Ah, no, sir. I've just been jabbing it too hard.

Kochanski

Rimmer?

Rimmer

Yes, ma'am?

Kochanski

Have sex with someone, and that's an order.

Rimmer

Yes, ma'am. Right away, ma'am.

Lister

[Hands him a card] Here, phone this number. Say I sent ya. Tell her it's an emergency.

Captain Hollister

Rimmer, is this salute ever going to end? Do I have time to go for a cup of coffee? Maybe go on vacation?

Rimmer

Nearly finished, sir. This is my very special extra long salute I reserve for the especially important, sir.

Rimmer

One day in this lousy, stinking penal colony and I'm cracking up. Everyone's so deranged and brutal, it's frightening. This afternoon I was so depressed I went to see the social worker.

Lister

Was he any help?

Rimmer

Not really; he beat me up. He said I was a whining nancy-boy with girlie white legs, then pummelled me repeatedly with his book, Showing Compassion to Inmates.

Lister

I thought social workers were supposed to be nice?

Rimmer

In the end I was so shell-shocked I went to see the priest and explained everything.

Lister

What did he say?

Rimmer

He said I was a whining baby who was missing his mum. Then he beat me up, too. You can still see the crucifix marks in the back of my head.