Jeremy Clarkson quotes from QI

Do you know the most commonly played word in Scrabble?

Jeremy Clarkson

Penis.

No.

Jeremy Clarkson

It is in my house.

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What has 20 legs, 5 heads and can't reach its own nuts?

Jeremy Clarkson

Westlife.

Oh, ho-ho-ho. Oh, you're so lucky. You're so lucky, cos I know what the klaxon was.

Jeremy Clarkson

Ha-ha!

Jimmy Carr

I presume the klaxon: shall I?

Yeah, go on.

Jimmy Carr

One Direction?

Oh!

[Forfeit Klaxon goes off - ONE DIRECTION]

[later on in the conversation]

It sounds like a gypsy band, but it's the squirrel kings. What would squirrel kings be?

Bill Bailey

The best squirrel?

Well, oddly enough, it's really unfortunate. They squirm around on trees. But sometimes trees exude, a sticky sap. And when the baby squirrels get their tails caught in the sticky sap, their tails get stuck together. And you get this (cuts to image of 5 squirrels stuck together by their tails). Absolutely stuck together.

[Audience goes "aww!"]

Jeremy Clarkson

Oh, that's fucking hysterical!

[Laughter]

Jeremy Clarkson

Seriously they're stuck together?!?! [cackles]

You're so bad! You are so bad! The audience goes "aww"!

Jeremy Clarkson

It's not! It's the funniest thing I've ever heard of! And they're never going to be organised enough to go "Ready, steady" and run off in different directions. They'll never be able to do that!

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[on Club 18-30 Holidays]

Do you remember they had rather dodgy slogans? Do you remember any of them?

Alan Davies

"You will get fucked."

Jeremy Clarkson

Yeah.

[Applause from the Audience]

Jeremy Clarkson

"Would you like to catch chlamydia?"

Both cardinally and financially. Well, it wasn't quite as on the nose as that. It was...

Jeremy Clarkson

Herpes?

..."Beaver Espania" was one.

Alan Davies

Oh, God!

I know. "It's not all sex, sex, sex, there's some sun and sea as well." It really puts you off.

[Later on in the conversation]

Jeremy Clarkson

You know, there's no symptoms, when you have chlamydia. So, if someone says "how are you?" and they say, "Very well", that means, you almost certainly have it.

It's the perfect disease.

Jeremy Clarkson

It is. So I never know how anyone goes to the Doctor's with it. It would be quite interesting.

There's no warts, no weeping?

Jeremy Clarkson

No green discharge.

[Sandi shudders]

He has to be frank about these things.

Jeremy Clarkson

You'll wake up completely fine, go to the Doctor's, you'll have chlamydia. It's baffling and koalas all have it.

How do you know that?!?!

Jeremy Clarkson

Huge problem in Australia. They've all got chlamydia and they are dying.

I thought it was an add-on to an 18-30 Australian holiday. "If you don't get lucky, there's always the koalas."

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Which good cause benefitted from Britain's first lottery?

Jeremy Clarkson

Dale Winton. Dale Winton's tanning salon.

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[On discussion of various syndromes]

Perhaps even more depressing, is that American therapists have a name for the syndrome, which "sudden wealth syndrome" [starts sniggering]. Which is presumably something they suffer from whenever they name a syndrome. They make money by deciding you have a syndrome.

That's a really boring name for it though.

You'd think so, yeah. But these are the same people who say, if you lose someone you love: they die, and you are still...

[Alan sneezes loudly]

Whoa! Wow! Wow, that was so huge.

That was so impressive.

That was enormous!

The day had to happen.

Jeremy Clarkson

I mean, that was an explosion!

That's extraordinary!

Are you alright?

Jeremy Clarkson

There are people now in California, looking at their seismographs, going "Jesus Christ! What was THAT?!?!"

What a thing!

Is it because I said the word 'die'? Da! Don't do it again...

Alan Davies

So sorry for interrupting.

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[On discussion of names]

Where you plagued at school by people who: "Turkish Delight"?

Oh yeah. "Turkish delight, don't like it, keeps you up at night." No it doesn't!

Have you tried "Dan Dan, the lavatory man, washed his hair with a frying pan, combed his hair with a leg of a chair, Dan Dan?" Or Danny Boy. There are certain songs that curse you through your life, if you have certain names.

Yeah.

Jeremy Clarkson

All I got was, "What sort of a fucking name is Jeremy "?

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Could you beat a T-Rex at arm wrestling?

Jeremy Clarkson

Yes, easily.