Stephen Fry quotes from QI

Stephen Fry

[To Alan] Cariad has been bitten by a snake.

Cariad Lloyd

What's happening to me? This is not I'm a Celebrity!

Stephen Fry

What should you do?

Alan Davies

Suck her.

Cariad Lloyd

You can't afford it, love.

Stephen Fry

Even when you've been bitten, you're gonna haggle prices?

Alan Davies

You soon drop your prices once you've tried it.

Stephen Fry

The Maribou Stork is often given the label The Ugliest Bird in the Animal Kingdom.

Sue Perkins

That's not fair.

Stephen Fry

OK, name an uglier one.

Alan Davies

Oh, don't make me say it!

Stephen Fry

[Firmly] No!

Alan Davies

Edwina Currie.

Stephen Fry

So we’re criticising Hitler now, are we?

Bill Bailey

The more I hear about him the less I like him.

Stephen Fry

How many legs does a kangaroo have?

Alan Davies

Oh, don’t say any numbers. Just don’t say any numbers.

Stephen Fry

When do you think, I’ll give you five years either way, was the first airline stewardess?

David Mitchell

I think 200 years before the first aeroplane. I think it was a weird, pointless scheme by a futurologist. Just went up and down a field with a trolley asking the cattle, ‘drink, sir?’

Alan Davies

I think the question is flawed.

Stephen Fry

How so?

Alan Davies

Because if I’d had my dirt-hole burgled without my knowledge, I wouldn’t know about it, would I?

Stephen Fry

Touché. You’re absolutely right.

Alan Davies

So, I don’t know.

Stephen Fry

Is the right answer.

Alan Davies

Possibly.

Stephen Fry

The one thing you could do at home is you could do is take a foaming beer and then pop a bit of earwax into the head of your foaming tankard and then the foam should collapse.

Matt Lucas

If you're watching TV, don't listen to this man.

Stephen Fry

People think, you know, sailors fall in love with mermaids, and how can they consummate their relationship?

Alan Davies

Fertilise the eggs, Stephen.

Stephen Fry

Exactly, it’s very simple. She lays her eggs on a rock or something, and you go and fertilise them. What’s the problem?

Phill Jupitus

The sailor has to sail back to his waters where he was spawned, and take the mermaid with him. So he has to go back to, I don’t know, Dorking, find a pond, pop his new fish-wife in there.

Josh Widdicombe

Fish-wife!

Phill Jupitus

She lays her eggs, and then he has to be arrested for indecent public exposure at a boating pond.

Stephen Fry

Why do great white sharks bite people?

Sara Pascoe

To keep themselves in the news.

Alan Davies

[To the Audience] Can you just control yourselves?!

Stephen Fry

[To Alan] You've got a nerve!

Alan Davies

I haven't said anything about the vagina for four minutes!

Stephen Fry

What are meerkats a type of?

Alan Davies

They’re a type of meer. Or possibly a type of cat.

Stephen Fry

How can I tell the age of this tree?

Alan Davies

Chop it down.

Sarah Millican

Yeah, count the rings.

Sarah Millican

Is that not right?

Stephen Fry

Well, not really, no. It’s a sort of rough guide, but it doesn’t really tell you...

Sarah Millican

Well it’s a rough guide. Maybe that’s all I’m after. Maybe I’m not all that bothered about accuracy, Stephen. Maybe I’ve got shit to do.

Stephen Fry

What colour is the sun?

Noel Fielding

I’ve heard it’s green.

Stephen Fry

Not bad.

Noel Fielding

Tartan?

Stephen Fry

Oh, you were doing so well. Tartan.

Stephen Fry

When the universe was created...

Alan Davies

4000 years ago.

Stephen Fry

4000 years ago as it says in the bible.

Alan Davies

By our lord.

Stephen Fry

Only two elements were created at that time.

Alan Davies

Gold and silver.

Jo Brand

Frankincense and myrrh.

Stephen Fry

They are still the most abundant elements in the universe. 99% of the universe is composed of...

Bill Bailey

Helium and sarcasm.

Stephen Fry

How many human beings would you need to extract gold from before you could make of them a gold coin?

Just Mr T.