Stephen Fry quotes from QI

Alan Davies

Can I say, I don’t think we’re getting the best out of my costume.

Stephen Fry

Show the ladies and gentlemen.

Alan Davies

Look, I’ve got a tail. And I’ve got feet and everything. And it’s all out of sight below the desk, Stephen.

Stephen Fry

Now, the queen has a Christmas message, as do we. In fact, as we approach the end of series 13, it’s time for us to reveal every episode of QI, every single one, since the very first, has included a secret message which nobody has spotted. Where is it hidden?

Bill Bailey

Is it on your face? Have you just encrypted some delightful laughter lines into some... perhaps it’s in Klingon. Merry Christmas.

Stephen Fry

It’s not on my face.

Bill Bailey

What the hell was that?

It’s a light.

Alan Davies

Was it a lamp?

Johnny Vegas

No, he’s got a bad ankle. I’m just taking him out. I can’t afford to keep him, okay?

Alan Davies

I absolutely shat myself.

Stephen Fry

Absolutely shat yourself, my god.

Stephen Fry

Now, who’s the worst person to sit next to at a silent movie?

Bill Bailey

Alan Davies.

Stephen Fry

How much sleep does a paradoxical insomniac get?

Paradoxical... lots?

Stephen Fry

Well, yes. He does.

Alan Davies

More than he thinks.

Stephen Fry

Yes.

It’s like a paradoxical kleptomaniac who leaves things in shops.

Josh Widdicombe

I didn't have many toys when I grew up.

Stephen Fry

Your body is a wonderful toy...

Stephen Fry

In a war between the grass and the grass-eaters, who wins?

Josh Widdicombe

The grass...

Josh Widdicombe

...eaters.

Stephen Fry

You said the grass-eaters? Thank you.

Stephen Fry

At school, if we were going on a dawn raid or something like that, they’d say...

Josh Widdicombe

Sorry?

Stephen Fry

Do a raid on the kitchens and steal jelly and things.

Josh Widdicombe

I forgot you grew up in an Enid Blyton novel. To get your catapult back from the teacher?

Stephen Fry

My dormitory at school had a milkshake club, but we won't go into that.

Josh Widdicombe

It wasn't all like Enid Blyton, wasn't it?

Stephen Fry

There was a story that Alan may remember of Darwin and giant...

Alan Davies

Oh, yeah. Didn’t they all get eaten on the boat?

Stephen Fry

Yeah, they were so delicious, that’s the point.

Phill Jupitus

Wouldn’t it be brilliant if the Origin of Species just halfway through turned into a cookbook. ‘I am basically putting to you all, members of the Royal Society, everything is bloody delicious.’

Stephen Fry

The Purple Emperor Butterfly likes to start its day with rancid pickled mudfish, Thai poi shrimp paste, and big cock shrimp paste. Mmm.

Phill Jupitus

What are you, 12?

Stephen Fry

Come on. When will the phrase ‘big cock shrimp paste’ not be funny?

Stephen Fry

You're gonna have to have a point for that.

Alan Davies

I'm at plus one, I'm not gonna speak again.

Phill Jupitus

[To Stephen] The idea of you at the microwave...

Stephen Fry

I had to do it on TV-dramas...

Phill Jupitus

“I was playing a rough type.”

Stephen Fry

That is the miracle of Kangaroo suckling. Who do you think, of all the animals, has...

Phill Jupitus

[Bursts out laughing] Sorry, this is the only show where I hear sentences like that.

Stephen Fry

Who would like to see some Milky Magic?

Phill Jupitus

[To the audience] If Stephen says that to you in the Park, say no!

Stephen Fry

[Produces props] Mmm, lovely milky things.

Phill Jupitus

STOP SAYING THAT!