Stephen Fry quotes from QI

Stephen Fry

The ecological footprint is a measure of the amount of land needed to regenerate consumed resources and deal with the resultant waste, and current figures calculated by the United Nations are that we are using up 1.4 times more than the planet can restore.

Alan Davies

The thing is… we evolved from this planet, we are of this planet, we live on this planet, so… can't we do what we like?

Stephen Fry

Yep… absolutely.

Alan Davies

I mean we are victims of our own evolution; I just happened to have come in at this point and now I have to turn the lights out and can't see where I'm going when I go to bed.

Stephen Fry

It has never been illegal to own a slave in England until April 2010. [To Alan] I'm saying I could have had you, as a slave, legally.

Alan Davies

You mean, this series, I'm finally free?

There will be a lot of people watching who will wonder what does a true Scotsman wear under his kilt, and I can tell you true Scotsman will never tell you what he wears under his kilt. He will show you at the drop of a hat.

Stephen Fry

I've seen dandruff on the shoes. That's a giveaway. But the short kilt -

Sandi Toksvig

I don't feel well now.

Alan Davies

[waving arms] I don't feel good with that information. Quick, send something else! Give me another image!

Rob Brydon

Well, it makes sense now, when you think about when you're being in a hot country, and you're tossing at night and you can't get off, and then you hear the…

Alan Davies

[long look]

Rob Brydon

No! No, no, no.

Stephen Fry

[sympathetic look]

Rob Brydon

I'm simply not having it!

Sandi Toksvig

Sounds like it.

Stephen Fry

A million British horses were sent to the First World War front. What happened to the ones that survived?

Alan Davies

They settled in the southern France, opened a caravan park…

Jimmy Carr

Of course they couldn't learn the language, so they ended up moving back.

Dara Ó Briain

No one has ever fallen on a banana peel. No one’s slid on a banana peel... Presumably the only person...

Dara Ó Briain

You? You’re kidding. The one person in history.

Jimmy Carr

That is a commitment to comedy, Alan. Well done.

Stephen Fry

Was this in comedy school, or once you’d graduated?

Alan Davies

No, it was in Chapel Market in Islington. It’s a fruit and veg market.

Stephen Fry

That’s a likely place to find one.

Alan Davies

I did actually tread on a banana. And you really go. I mean, they are incredible.

Rich Hall

You find a tree.

Stephen Fry

Yeah?

Rich Hall

With moss on it. And…

Rich Hall

[unaffected] …On the opposite side of it, it's dry, so you sit there and wait for someone to come along and ask them.

Rob Brydon

I wore trousers very much like that. With the long sock, of course.

Stephen Fry

We know about your long socks.

Rob Brydon

Don’t we just?

Rich Hall

[Taking off his lei.] Can I take this off? I’m getting a rash,

Stephen Fry

Okay.

Rich Hall

I’m allergic to souvenirs.

Stephen Fry

What's the oldest trick in the book?

Lee Mack

Debbie McGee.

Stephen Fry

Graham, would you like to read your joke?

Graham Norton

Okay, here we go. (He reads the joke and then looks up at Stephen.) Did you write this?

Stephen Fry

Are they good?

Graham Norton

It just sounds like something you might write. Knock knock.

Stephen Fry

Who’s there?

Graham Norton

To.

Stephen Fry

To who.

Graham Norton

To whom, surely.

Ronni Ancona

You truly are a renaissance man!

Stephen Fry

I wear tights, put it that way.

Phill Jupitus

I...hate...this...show.

Stephen Fry

Oh Phill, be interested, please.

Phill Jupitus

The sun...is there! But you're going: [deep voice] No. But it's there. Not there. Miraaage.

Phill Jupitus

And I'm sure the drivers in New Zealand, as they see the sun setting, will be reassured to know that it's [deep voice] not there.

Stephen Fry

What shape is this staircase? [Phill hits his buzzer.] Yes, Phill?

Phill Jupitus

It’s not there!

Rob Brydon

You know what I would use this for, Stephen? If I was enjoying some salted pistachio nuts at home, while watching the Emmerdale omnibus, I would use this to…

…Kill yourself?