Stephen Fry quotes from QI

Sandi Toksvig

He can’t have been that ill though, cos he seems to have had time to change his socks.

Alan Davies

I’m dying. Get the death socks.

Rob Brydon

Stephen, can I point out? Can I give the seal of approval to his wonderfully long socks?

Stephen Fry

Rob long socks. Oh dear.

Lee Mack

I'm not surprised that they're endangered, because clearly they aren't mating, are they? They're looking at each other and going: "I'd rather not!"

Stephen Fry

It is dark, remember.

Alan Davies

All the ugly ones come out in the dark.

Lee Mack

That's how Jimmy mates. "I'm happy to do it, luv, but it'll have to be with the lights off."

Jimmy Carr

I can't believe your wife told you that.

Stephen Fry

Who finished off Russia’s greatest love machine?

Lee Mack

Boney M.

Bill Bailey

What are the points that you gain by using it correctly?

Stephen Fry

I think we all agree that nobody in this universe understands QI's scoring system.

Bill Bailey

Right. So, by that logic, were we to raise the subject of the scoring system, and I was to do that, [holds up his "Nobody knows" card] then… [he's cut off by laughter and applause]

Alan Davies

He's made a very good point.

Stephen Fry

I suppose I'm trapped in an infinite loop. Yes, fortunately that isn't one of the questions.

David Mitchell

If it were in a hypothetical round a question - "What is the QI scoring system?" - and then "Nobody knows", [mimics lifting up the card] what would happen to the person who does the QI scoring? Would they not then feel rather sad? They are at least presumably sitting there thinking that they know.

David Mitchell

I think they reserve a lot of their creativity for this show, don’t they?

Alan Davies

I wonder what the score is now.

Stephen Fry

Yes, the score now... [He consults his screen.] Amazingly, Bill has three and everyone else has zero.

David Mitchell

Why three?! I’d have thought one, or ten. But three?! How would you divide your contribution by three?

Bill Bailey

[Pointing at each of the other panellists.] Better than you, better than you, better than you. Three.

Stephen Fry

When was the First World War first named as such?

Bill Bailey

Um, at the outbreak. The assassination of Archduke Ferdinand.

Stephen Fry

You think they called it the first world war straight away?

Bill Bailey

Before it started, yeah.

David Mitchell

It would be an act of a pessimist to call it the first world war that early, surely. It's gonna be some point after 1939, isn't it?

Bill Bailey

A realist, surely.

David Mitchell

Excuse me! I think I said - I think what I said, people in the box, is after 1939. Which may contain 1939, but does not mean it.

Stephen Fry

No. Well -

David Mitchell

[waving finger] Okay! No, no, no! "After 1939" and "after the Second World War" are not synonymous. Now, this is just giving you time to type "after 1939".

David Mitchell

Why don't you just type "MITCHELL IS A COCK"?

Stephen Fry

[warningly] I wouldn't put it past them...

Stephen Fry

And Alan goes:

Alan Davies

[presses buzzer]

What about bidet?

Stephen Fry

Bidet they do indeed have, though it's easier, really, to do a handstand in the shower, to be honest. But if you want the expense of a bidet…

Sean Lock

Easier?

Stephen Fry

[laughing] If you are as nimble as I am.

Sean Lock

I'd pay good money to see that. I'd like to see you doing that, with a camera, [mimics lifting a camera phone] going: "Tweet this!"

Stephen Fry

Does anyone know, in a packet of mixed nuts, why do the Brazils always rise to the top?

[Laughing disbelievingly.] Surely nobody knows that.

Stephen Fry

You’re right!

Jimmy Carr

I prefer Three Card Monte, because Find the Lady...I had a really bad experience in Thailand once...

Stephen Fry

Did you feel a bit of a dick?

Stephen Fry

This is something I vaguely knew about growing up in Norfolk, because in Norfolk there is a community of Vietnamese turkey sexers who... (He is cut off by the audience laughing)

Phill Jupitus

I can NEVER watch Platoon again! You've ruined Apocalypse Now for me!

Stephen Fry

I'm sorry about that...

Phill Jupitus

(Putting two fingers to his temple, imitating a gun and speaking in an Asian accent) WHAT SEX IS CHICKEN?!?! YOU TELL ME NOW!!!

Stephen Fry

What big decision did the driver of the number 78 bus have to make in December 1952.

Jimmy Carr

The coronation is all I know about ‘52. The Queen didn’t get the bus, did she?

Stephen Fry

No, she didn’t.

Stephen Fry

Why aren’t there any vegan Venus Flytraps?

Sarah Millican

Maybe there are, but people don’t invite them round for dinner cos it’s too complicated.

Stephen Fry

Would you like to see a shrimp on a running machine?

Jimmy Carr

More than you know!

Sarah Millican

I’ve got a rule, like, if it comes in my house, then I’m allowed to kill it.

Stephen Fry

Right.

Sarah Millican

For trespassing.

Stephen Fry

So how many Jehova’s Witnesses...?