Stephen Fry quotes from QI

Stephen Fry

And someone who doesn’t even know the meaning of the word lugubrious, Alan Davies.

Alan Davies

That’s true.

Rich Hall

It's like a headline I saw in Ireland, said "Cork man drowns".

Stephen Fry

You guys are really bending the needle.

Rich Hall

His name was Bob. [to the audience] Come on!

Rich Hall

I think I've won this. I'm not gonna answer another question.

Stephen Fry

But how many friends do you have?

Rich Hall

Just one. James Taylor.

Rich Hall

They say that a friend will help you, uhh, a friend will come over to your house and help you move, and a good friend will help you move a body.

Stephen Fry

That's good. That's...

Rich Hall

...I have two good friends.

Phill Jupitus

I feel quite bad for the Amish in the situation. cause they are not gonna meet people on facebook, are they? Unless we create an Amish facebook where you just write everything you know about yourself on a sheet of paper and put it in a barrel in the middle of the village. People just dip in and out of, you know. "Raised a barn today. LOL""Drank some cider ROFL"

Stephen Fry

And they have AMG: "Ach mein Gott!"

Andy Hamilton

How else do you meet if you’re not on a dating site, though?

Alan Davies

Join a group.

Andy Hamilton

Join a group?

Stephen Fry

Yeah.

Alan Davies

Yeah, you join a Facebook group with like minded people.

Andy Hamilton

Oh, right.

Alan Davies

They send you witty remarks. Eventually, you send them a photograph of your genitals.

Alan Davies

Have we killed anyone on this show?

Stephen Fry

I...

Alan Davies

We must try harder.

Stephen Fry

It is a sliding organ, a wet organ, that is…

Alan Davies

What are you looking at me for?

Stephen Fry

It buries itself in the ground in the summer in that state and kind of sleeps and there are points at stake for those who can tell me what the summer version of hibernating is. Hibernating is from hiber...

Sean Lock

Lowbernating.

Dara Ó Briain

I gonna have go to them to get them to talk and I was in Liverpool at The Strip, I start with dreams about the occasion of having a dream about a famous person and some bloke in the crowd shared with us that he had a dream about Kate Winslet. And I said "Oh!" and I said "Was it a sexy dream?" and he said "No, she turned me down" [general laughter] In his own head! And I said to him "Were you disappointed?" and he said "Naw, I didn't hit her with my best stuff".

Stephen Fry

That's very strange.

Alan Davies

I had a dream about Kate Winslet and in my dream it didn't turn out well either.

Dara Ó Briain

Wow, she's like the Freddie Krueger of teases.

Sean Lock

I imagine seriously violent criminals are quite good at sex.

Stephen Fry

Are they?

Sean Lock

I don’t know, I’m just guessing.

Alan Davies

Tomatoes.

Stephen Fry

Tomatoes is the right answer.

Alan Davies

50 points!

Stephen Fry

Yeah... maybe. Some points.

Alan Davies

You normally introduce me last. It slightly caught me out, and I was applauding myself.

Stephen Fry

Oh, bless.

Alan Davies

And I was applauding myself insincerely.

Johnny Vegas

What if you got an air pocket in your ears?

Stephen Fry

A pocket?

Johnny Vegas

You know, the ear pockets. [puts his fingers in his ears]

Stephen Fry

Yes, but the ear cavities are cancelled out...

Sandi Toksvig

[reaches for Johnny's arm] Take your fingers out, you won't hear the answer.

Sandi Toksvig

I don't like cats very much...

Stephen Fry

Awww...

Sandi Toksvig

No, I'm sorry. So many cats, so few recipes.