Stephen Fry quotes from QI

Stephen Fry

Sadly, nothing else is known of Mr. Chicken.

Jimmy Carr

He was a philatelist, and he worked in a bank. And he used to sail. So there's three facts, so I should get some points for those. Little-known facts, but true.

I think he also played the tenor banjo.

Sean Lock

He had eleven knuckles!

Alan Davies

And, in fact, was actually a chicken.

Stephen Fry

[exasperated] So, the most biographed man in the 18th century...

Stephen Fry

Do you remember anything he said?

Sean Lock

No, not a word. He said something about calcium, there’s a tree with a funny name, I don’t know. Koalas invented rice. Um, other stuff. He’s like a robot!

Stephen Fry

In 1900 there was a sport where Britain won a gold medal, in which the only other country that competed was France. Can you imagine what that might have been?

John Sessions

Arrogance?

Stephen Fry

What’s quite interesting about the sperm of fruit flies?

It smells of guava.

Stephen Fry

What do you get when you cross a camel with a leopard?

Jo Brand

You get a fireside rug you can have a good hump on.

Sean Lock

You get sacked from the zoo?

Stephen Fry

Now, tonight any flamencos you give in Pyong score barney. And I’ll also give you two Sundays...

Alan Davies

What the fuck are you talking about?!

Stephen Fry

So, the question is, how does the U.S. government look after its sequoia groves?

Bill Bailey

Er … lions … and tigers are let loose to roam the surrounding areas …

Alan Davies

Do they try to win the hearts and minds of the sequoia?

Stephen Fry

Why shouldn't I strip Alan naked and cover him in gold paint?

Phill Jupitus

You win your Oscar properly like everyone else!

Sean Lock

I got the worst Christmas present ever, ever in my life. My sister gave me a "Grow Your Own Luffa" kit.

Stephen Fry

God bless her!

Sean Lock

It was a clay pot, a bag of earth and five seeds. And I think the clay pot hit her hardest.

Sean Lock

If you're a nun...

Stephen Fry

[appalled] Oh no, don't go there.

Sean Lock

[grinning] I didn't say anything!

Stephen Fry

Oh please.

Sean Lock

It's obviously a reason that in Victorian bathrooms they had articles like that, it's a huge excuse for sexual jollities, isn't it? [gestures] "Oh no, I use it for my back!" It would feel like, you know, like sometimes if you sit on your hand, and it feels like someone else is doing it, it would feel like someone with a stump is playing with it. [makes provocative wagging gesture]

Stephen Fry

Mummy, make the nasty man go away... Very odd.

Stephen Fry

No! Give me that luffa.

Alan Davies

Now you want it.

Stephen Fry

That's going in the art cupboard and you're going in the naughty corner if you're not careful.

Rich Hall

It's going in your penis tin isn't it?

Stephen Fry

You are very bad children indeed.

Stephen Fry

What colour was the Model T Ford?

Jeremy Clarkson

[Whispering to Alan] Don't say, don't say, don't say...

Alan Davies

Black?

Jeremy Clarkson

Oh.

Stephen Fry

Oh bless him, like a little puppy that runs into a wall.

Alan Davies

You can have any colour, so long as it's black.

Stephen Fry

Oh, he said that even. Even that phrase.

Jeremy Clarkson

I had a puffin last week, that's not delicious, but the point of eating it was because I never had one before...

Sean Lock

...have you tried one of my turds?

Stephen Fry

Did you just say what I thought you said? Get out. Out now.

Jeremy Clarkson

D'you know what I had for my starter when I had the whale?

Stephen Fry

With grated puffin?

Jeremy Clarkson

I had a seal flipper, and it looked exactly like a marigold glove filled with wallpaper paste. And it sat and you thought, "Ooh …!" And it tasted exactly like licking a hot Turkish urinal.

Sean Lock

I'm very concerned that you used the word "exactly"...

Stephen Fry

Ah, there we are. It's some sort of goat. It's a goat waiting to be fucked from behind.

Sean Lock

It's a provocative goat.

Stephen Fry

Quite clearly a Greek goat.

Alan Davies

If you ask a lady for directions, she’ll ask you a question back. So if you say “do you know where the post office is?”, she’ll say, “do you wanna buy a stamp?”

Stephen Fry

Sweet.

Alan Davies

And you’ll find you’re having a nice chat, and everyone’s friends, but you’ve no idea where the post office is.