Stephen Fry quotes from QI

Alan Davies

Which way does water go down the plug-hole in the Northern Hemisphere?

Stephen Fry

Any way you want it to. You can push to go one way or the other, I've tried it.

Alan Davies

[sighs disappointedly] … Yes, that's true.

"Stephen, what are you doing in that bathroom?" [as Stephen] "I'm pushing it to go one way, I'm pushing it to go the other, I'm the master … of the bathroom"!

Alan Davies

This one for everyone... What kind of animal is sacred in India?

Stephen Fry

[growled whisper]: DO NOT SAY COW!

Stephen Fry

DO NOT SAY COW! That is my hint.

Is it the cow?

Alan Davies

Why do people believe all this stuff, Stephen?

Stephen Fry

Well, it’s whether you agree with it or not—

Alan Davies

Never mind televisions ruined Bhutan, this stuff is responsible for some serious aggravation in the world. And people believe it all, for God’s sake! They do believe it all! Bronze age mythology, they believe it all.

Stephen Fry

People believing in manna doesn’t really upset me or anybody sensible as much as, say, than believing—

Alan Davies

I don’t eat meat, right? I don’t eat meat, and someone actually said to me, someone who should remain nameless, really angrily: “Animals were put on earth for us to eat.” What does he mean by that? Put by whom?

Stephen Fry

That’s silly. Off course that’s silly.

Alan Davies

I said: “You can eat one if you want, but don’t shout at me about them being put there like it’s some big toy farmyard.” You are really clever, why do they believe it all? Can’t they just go: “Bwooh, that was mad, I thought that was true for a minute.” Why do people believe it?!

Stephen Fry

Because they are foolish and ignorant and scared.

Alan Davies

They need to believe it? Do they need to believe it?

Stephen Fry

There is a distinction to be drawn between those who claim to have access to revealed truth and therefore claim to know what happens to us after we’re dead on the basis of a text, whether it’s a Quran or a Holy Bible.

Alan Davies

But why do people believe them?

Stephen Fry

Which is nonsensical. And if they want to believe it, they’re fine, but they mustn’t push it down our throats and they mustn’t tell me whom I’m allowed to go to bed with and whom I’m not allowed to go to bed with. It’s not acceptable. Anybody who tells me what happens after I’m dead is either a liar or a fool, because they don’t know.

Alan Davies

That is what I mean! I don’t mind—

Stephen Fry

The myth of the Jewish people having manna dropped on their heads, that doesn’t actually matter. That’s no more different — that’s like Greek myth or any other myth, that’s fine. It’s when it gets to telling people how to behave is where we do draw the line.

Rob Brydon

There a map, which I think MI5 had, that shows not just Hadrian's Wall, but Hadrian's Conservatory and Hadrian's water feature, which is very nice, it sort of cascades down over pebbles.

Stephen Fry

Yes, Carlisle is in a sense Hadrian's sliding patio door, isn't it?

Stephen Fry

Well, each town is 30,000 pounds, and...

Rob Brydon

For Port Talbot? They're not gonna charge 30,000 pounds for Port Talbot, Stephen. They're not gonna get that.

Stephen Fry

Port Talbot, is that on the south Welsh coast, by any chance?

Rob Brydon

Yes. No, you'd be lucky to get 15 quid for that.

Alan Davies

Did you know all the rats in England all face the same direction at any given time?

Stephen Fry

Oh, come on.

Bill Bailey

No, that's right. Because they're magnetic, aren't they, rats?

Alan Davies

They spent so long in lead lined sewage pipes, that they move with the curvature of the earth.

Bill Bailey

Hence the phrase "there's rat, and true rat. And absolute rat."

Stephen Fry

I remember the first time I heard my father say the word fuck, my brother and I couldn't believe it. Because we thought we made the word up.

Rich Hall

The first time I said the word fuck, my dad heard me. Walked by my bedroom door and I said "Dad shut the door, I'm trying to fuck in here."

Stephen Fry

...the harder and firmer it becomes. You could slowly [gestures with protruding finger] put your finger through it...

Rich Hall

Oh boy. Here we go.

Stephen Fry

The finger slips in smoothly...

Rich Hall

Wow.

Stephen Fry

It's... No. [embarrassed] Please, help me out here. But if you slap it hard... [realises, double facepalms] Oh, dear.

Alan Davies

Are all the stars round?

Stephen Fry

I can't answer that. Um, I think probably most-

Alan Davies

Yet you know what people thought five hundred years ago?

Stephen Fry

Do I read books? Yes. Have I visited every star in the universe? No. Is this something you find difficult to understand? [A few moments of silence pass.] You've set me off.

Stephen Fry

What is a taffy pull?

Rob Brydon

Is this another dig at my forefathers?

Stephen Fry

You've got four fathers? The Welsh are weird.

Stephen Fry

Who, or what, is Cummingtonite?

Alan Davies

[Giggles] I don’t know. The night is young, Stephen.

Jimmy Carr

I'll tell you what though, the only indigineous mammals in Australasia are marsupials.

Stephen Fry

They're therefore not mammals.

Sean Lock

Did you not know that they're cats! Hahahaha, Hahahaha, they're cats! All of them!

Jimmy Carr

I'm sorry for trying to be clever. Sorry, back to the knob gags.

Alan Davies

What's your favourite bit of the koala. Do you like the hands, the little hands?

Jimmy Carr

I like the cock.

Stephen Fry

Oh stop.

Jimmy Carr

Told ya.

Selenium is 34, arsenic is 33.

Stephen Fry

Very good. Isn't he good? They should really put railings around you and have children come and stare at you.

Stephen Fry

(sing-song, about 10 Downing Street) There's always someone in there!

Jimmy Carr

Well why did you sing that?! It was a little bit scary! There's always someone in there!

Stephen Fry

I wanted to frighten you.

Jimmy Carr

I am frightened. I think someone might be under the desk!