Parks and Recreation quotes

Leslie

Eugene! Boy we have a really important job for you.

We'll get to it first thing Monday.

Leslie

Today's Wednesday...Look this is not a request.

Andy

We're acting under direct orders from Mayor Gunderson's dog.

Leslie

Office. I need your two best guys to join me and be a part of my task force.

That would be Harris and Brett...But they're not here.

Tom

Isn't that them there?

Nope.

Tom

Yo Brett!

Yo!

Dude!

Leslie

Listen that stupid possum is on the golf course again. Would you rather I capture it myself and just call you so you can come and pick it up?

Okay!

Ron

Hey Mark! Welcome to my haven.

Mark

Thank you.

Ron

You're the first non-me to set foot in here in ten years.

Mark

Ummm Ron none of this is up to code.

Ron

Sure it is! It's up to the Swanson code.

Mark

There's no drainage. Doesn't appear to be any ventilation. You got hazardous chemicals over here.

Ron

Yeah which only I'm breathing. The same liberty that gives me the right to fart in my own car. Are you gonna tell a man that he can't fart in his own car?

Mark

There is a basket of oil-soaked rags hanging above a wood-burning stove.

Ron

Good thing I've got a fire extinguisher. Which I assure you is totally up to your precious code.

Mark

Umm this says it should be recharged June of 1996.

Ron

Those dates are arbitrary. They're like those dates that the government forces companies to put on yogurt and medicine. Observe. Watch yourself.

Ron

Okay. I'll replace this. Happy?

Andy

Let me explain something to you, Tweep. When you're in a situation, you don't have time to think. So I thought to myself, "Don't think, Andy. Act."

Tom

So you weren't thinking.

Andy

Not at all. I cannot emphasize enough how little I was thinking.

What do you mean that Fairway Frank is not here?

Leslie

Here's the thing, Evelyn: We're not sure that the possum we caught is, in fact, Fairway Frank.

Leslie, whoever it is, it's a possum. And the sooner it's dead, the sooner the mayor can do what he wants with it.

Leslie

...Does he want to have sex with a dead possum?

No!

Leslie

No.

He's not a monster! He wants to stuff it and hang it above the urinal in his office bathroom so that little flecks of pee can get on it forever.

Leslie

Ew.

Tom

This thing is a mess.

WE USED TO HAVE THREE CARS ACTUALLY. THE FIRST ONE GOT PUSHED INTO THE CREEK BY SOME KIDS. THE SECOND ONE RACCOONS GOT ONTO. THERE WAS URINE EVERYWHERE. AND THE THIRD ONE WAS RECENTLY STOLEN.

Tom

What’s this one?

THIS IS THE SECOND ONE. THE RACCOON PISS ONE.

Leslie

Why didn’t you just tell everybody the truth?

Jerry

Are you kidding me? Imagine what Tom would have said.

Leslie

Damn, Jerry! You jumped in a creek for a burrito? What’d you do for a Klondike bar? Kill your wife?

Joan Callamezzo

That segment was a disaster! Don't ever fuck me like that again! This is Pawnee Fucking Today! Do you know that I bumped a cat that can stand up on its hinders for you?! You disgust me, Knope. Get out of my sight.

Leslie

Yes ma'am.

Leslie

Clarence Carrington, David Moser, Michael Tansley, Ron Swanson. Gathered together on a beautiful day in this beautiful park. I think we should just take a moment and appreciate how lucky we are.

I thought you were dead, Clarence.

No, I'm going to outlive you and then I'm going to nail your wife.

Screw you, you old coot.

Classic David. You're worse than Ron.

Ron

Shut your damn mouth, Tansley.

Leslie

OK great, let's go!

Andy

So if you had to sleep with one of the old guys, who'd it be?

April

The super old one.

Andy

Really?

April

Mm-hm. I'm an eyebrow girl. I want to make out with him and chew his eyebrows off.

Ron

Where the hell are you going!? We have 91 more meetings!

Leslie

I'm sorry Ron. As much as I would like to go for the all time City Hall single-day meetings record, there is an emergency! Someone is trying to alter a gazebo!

April

Do you want me to postpone the rest? Or I could set myself on fire and create a diversion!

Ron

So basically we're completely swamped. All hands on deck.

Ann

I don't even work in this building.

Ron

Don't care. I need anyone with a pulse and a brain to pitch in.

Jerry

[walking in] Ron, do you need help with anything?

Ron

No, we're good, thanks. In fact, you can head home early.

Your department banned me from attending games just because I yell "You Suck" at the players.

Ron

According to the complaint you yelled it at 5-year-old girls.

WHO SUCK! WHY IS THAT SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND!?

I thought I was having this meeting with Ron Swanson.

April

I'm afraid that Ron Swanson's...currently dead.

Oh.

April

I'm his daughter, April Swanson, and it's his last wish that I have this meeting with you.

There's no way this ordinance goes through. There's too much red tape.

April

Mmm. This gridlock drives me nuts.

Tell me about it.

April

Yeah, I think you're gonna have to make an end run, y'know? Go right to the commissioner on this one.

You know what? I haven't thought of that. That is a really great idea.

April

Yeah?

I'm gonna do that.

April

OK. Your last resort is probably gonna be city council.

Good luck there!

April

My thoughts exactly!

April

I have no idea what I was saying.