NNatalie
[Wedding toast for April and Andy] My sister's really lame. But Andy's pretty cool. I guess I kinda see why he would marry her. Also, if anyone has seen my grey hoodie I lost it, thanks.
[Walks off stage]
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[Finishing talking to a guy] Cool, I'll see you around, maybe.
That went better, right!?
Yes! He did however, proudly tell me that he beat herpes...
[Donna grimaces]
I'm sorry Donna I'm gonna go home, I just found out Andy's getting married.
So?
So that's my ex-boyfriend...and we were together for a really long time.
[Sarcastically] Alright...
What!?
"What?" Listen, you are a hot young doctor.
I'm a nurse actually...
Okay I don't know you. But I do know that you can fix your attitude. Do you wanna go home and feel sorry for yourself about a man you didn't wanna marry? Or do you wanna go talk to that cute boy who's been looking at you and give him your number before I throw him in my Benz for myself?
...Alright.
The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you burn an ex-wife effigy.
Don't freak out, but Sewage Joe just unhooked your bra with his eyes.
What? Oh boy.
[Leslie walks up to Sewage Joe]
Hi Joe.
What's up Knope? Looking good these days. What do you say? Van's out back, let's roll.
Where is this coming from!?
I don't know. You're putting out some vibe today. It's driving me crazy. Listen, if you're looking for a good time, why don't you come on down to the toilet party? That's what we call the Sewage Department.
Great. Okay.
[Leslie turns around to leave]
Liking the view.
[Leslie looks creeped out then walks away]
Still got it Joe.
No you don't!
You ever tried a turkey burger?
Is that a fried turkey leg inside a grilled hamburger? If so, then yes. Delicious.
[Ann is helping Leslie with her online dating profile]
Yellow haired female likes waffles and news.
[typing] Sexy well-read blonde loves the sweeter things in life.
Much better.
Hobbies?
Organizing my agenda...Wait that doesn't sound fun. Umm...Jamming on my planner!
Favorite place?
Upstairs there's this mural of wildflowers and I like to sit on a bench in front of it.
...Really? It could be anywhere in the world. Paris, Hawaii, the Grand Canyon...
Nope. Just the bench in front of the mural.
What about like an actual meadow where wildflowers are?
Eww Ann! I'm scared of bees! Mural!
Okay what do you think of dogs?
Love!
Cats?
Love!
Fish?
Love!
Turtles?
...No opinion.
...
They're condescending.
Describe your ideal man.
He's dark and mysterious. And he can sing. And he plays the organ.
I think you just described the Phantom of the Opera.
Mmmmm.
[on the phone] Hello this is Craig at hoosiermate.com, how can I help you?
Craig your service is crap!
Can you be more specific?
Yes. Your soulmate match was totally wrong for me. I mean, I like him as a friend and everything, but I'd never go out with him. He's like a little sister to me.
We have a very sophisticated algorithm that's paired up thousands of couples. I actually met my wife on the site.
Really? Well that's not gonna last.
Excuse me?
You heard me! Your marriage is a sham! Goodbye Craig! [hangs up]
Hi Joe. I know you're going to take this the wrong way but can I talk to you for a second?
You can do anything to me for any number of seconds.
Hmmm.
Would you like to talk outside in my van?
No here's fine. I was...flattered by what you said earlier. And I was just wondering, what do you look for in a woman?
She can't be in a wheelchair. No canes. No gray hair.
So basically you're just attracted to me because I'm not an old person.
Yeah. And as I aforementioned, you have a killer dumpster.
Fresh lettuce is my all-time favorite food. What's your favorite food?
Oh, I take Skittles and I put it between two Starbursts. Know what I call it?
Skittle Sandwich?
...That's pretty good. No, I call it Andy's Mouth Surprise. It's nice because the flavor of the Starbursts really bring out a similar flavor in the Skittles.
'Zerts are what I call desserts. Tray-trays are entrees. I call sandwiches sammies, sandoozles, or Adam Sandlers. Air conditioners are cool blasterz, with a z. I don't know where that came from. I call cakes big ol' cookies. I call noodles long-ass rice. Fried chicken is fri-fri chicky-chick. Chicken parm is chicky chicky parm parm. Chicken cacciatore? Chicky catch. I call eggs pre-birds, or future birds. Root beer is super water. Tortillas are bean blankies. And I call forks...food rakes.
GNGrain n' Simple Employee
Would you like to sample our vegan bacon? 100% meatless.
Yes please.
[Employee hands him a piece and Ron throws it in the trash]
GNGrain n' Simple Employee
...
Another please.
[Employee hands him another piece and Ron throws it in the trash]
GNGrain n' Simple Employee
Sir is there a problem?
I'm just making sure no-one ever has to eat this.
GNGrain n' Simple Employee
I...I don't think I can give you anymore.
I want one.
[Employee hands her a piece and April throws it in the trash]
I love Food and Stuff. It's where I buy all of my food...and most of my stuff.
I swear on this dead crow that I will never cook for you.
Let’s play a different game. I’m gonna say stuff about me and you say, on a scale from one to ten, how interested in that thing you are. Ready?
Okay.
I love sunshine and fresh air and early morning walks.
One.
I’ve read five biographies of Eleanor Roosevelt.
One.
I work at the Parks and Rec...
[Interrupting] One.
That’s what you do.
One.
I once kissed a girl in college.
[Smiling] Eight.
Where I graduated summa cum laude in History.
One. Zero. Negative a billion. Don’t talk about it anymore, please.
I humbly place before you my East meets West, patented Traeger Turkey Burger. An Asian fusion burger made with Willow Farms organic turkey, toasted taleggio cheese crisp, papaya chutney, black truffle aoli and microgreens on a gluten free brioche bun. Enjoy!
This tastes as delicious as Beyonce smells...I'm guessing.
What is this in here? Saffron?
Wow! Somebody's got a sharp palette!
KKyle
I love the umami flavor.
Stop being so pretentious Kyle!
KKyle
Sorry.
Here's mine. It's a hamburger, made out of meat, on a bun, with nothing. Add ketchup if you want, I couldn't care less.
Ron, I am so disappointed. I thought that you and I were gonna have a real challenge.
Never mind this is better!
Way better!
Mmmmm Mmmhmm!
...Kyle?
KKyle
...Sorry Andy, Ron's is better.
Damn it Kyle! [takes a bite of Ron's burger] Oh my God this is so much better it's crazy!
Turkey can never beat cow Chris. Sorry.
I don't understand. I've tinkered with this recipe for years. Granted it's been along time since I've had a hamburger. [takes a bite of one of Ron's burgers] ...This is better. The commisary will continue to serve horrifying, artery clogging hamburgers.
EEveryone
Yay!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Parks and Recreation pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.