OK everyone, SHUT UP AND LOOK AT ME! Welcome to Visions of Nature. This room has several paintings in it. Some are big, some are small. People did them and they are here now. I believe that after this is over they'll be hung in government buildings. Why the government is involved in an art show is beyond me. I also think it's pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they can just go outside and stand in it. Anyway, please do not misinterpret the fact that I am talking right now as genuine interest in art and attempt to discuss it with me further. End of speech.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
That's what you see when you close your eyes at night, Jerry: topless Leslie glued to a horse!
That painting is not gonna be destroyed. Every great work of art contains a message. The message of this painting is: Get out of my way, unless you want an arrow in your ass Marcia.
Morning Roomie! How'd ya sleep?
Well there were no bedbugs...also no bed...I'm gonna go buy a bed. I'm sorry, are you eating turkey chili off of a Frisbee?
Hahahaha yeah it's really cute right?
No. Do you know what cute means?
I think this whole debate is ridiculous. What Leslie and I do is obviously art.
Oh...hang on. There's a big difference between an oil painting of a Greek myth and a pornographic movie.
It's okay Leslie, I got this one.
What!?
What Leslie and I want people to know is you should be able to have sex anywhere you want and show it anywhere you want. Whether it's girl on girl action, bondage or what have you!
Okay hang on...
Pornography is very difficult to define. In fact, it was Justice Stewart who once said, "I can't define pornography, but I know it when I see it."
PHPerd Hapley
Brandi, how would you define pornography?
For me, it's when the penis goes in.
So how do you wanna do this? Burn it publicly or burn it privately and I put the footage on my blog...
You've made your point okay? Look this painting is very important to me. It doesn't need to hang in a government building, just let me take it home and we'll keep it there. What do you say?
I say this painting is going to burn. First here, then in Hell. [Pulls out parking stub] Do I need to get this validated?
I don't...I don't know...
No? Okay then great I'm just gonna pull my car around and you can load it in the back.
No!
[Leslie grabs the painting and takes off running with it]
Hey! Come back here!
Make me stag! I am Diaphena!
Yes, we're gonna get a dish rack, and shower curtains, and a cutting board, but if you think for one second that I'm not also gonna get that marshmallow shooter so I can shoot you in the face with marshmallows when you're asleep, then you're the dumbest woman I know.
[deeply touched] You're going to make me cry.
Ron refuses to tell anyone when his birthday is; he's even had it redacted on all government documents. Three years of investigations, phone calls, Freedom of Information Act requests, and I still had nothing. Until, a well placed bribe to a gentleman at Baskin Robins revealed... Ron's birthday is on Friday!
I don't like loud noises and people making a fuss. And I especially don't like people celebrating because they know a piece of private information about me. Plus the whole thing is a scam: birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.
Hey Ron, how's the street parking at your house?
What?
Can you handle like 20 cars or a double-decker party bus?
There is no street parking at my house. My house is not even on a street.
Do you have space for like a huge circus tent?
[Ann walks in with a big bunch of balloons]
Hey Ron, have you seen... [Ron starts violently popping the balloons with a pen] What!? What the hell!? No!
Well looks like there won't be any balloons for the birthday boy.
These were for a sick child at the hospital!
[The final balloon spins around to reveal "Get Well Soon Tyrone!" is written on it]
...Ah. My office now.
I don't work for you!
Don't care.
I'm only gonna ask you this once. What is going on with my birthday?
Oh my God Ron! It's your birthday!? Happy Birthday!
Shut your damn mouth.
This is a fun conversation.
You want me to do what now?
Send Leslie somewhere on an assignment, a conference or something...and make her take April...and freeze their bank accounts.
I don't understand. Is Leslie's work unsatisfactory?
No it has nothing to do with her work. I don't wanna get into it.
Wow. This is me okay? You know you can talk to me about anything.
[Quietly] Well it's my birthday on Friday.
Hey! Happy Birthday! [Kisses Ron full on the mouth]
[Ron is frozen with a horrified look on his face]
You might have a fancy car and a...mahogany purse or whatever rich people have but I remember something that you're trying to forget. You're a Pawnee girl.
No Leslie, I'm not.
Then why do you come here at dinner time to get take out from the legendary JJ's Diner?
It's not for me! These waffles make great dog laxatives!
Don't you dare feed that waffle to that dog to get it to poop.
[feeding the waffle to the dog] Sambuca need to make? There you go!
HOW DARE YOU!?
[Leslie throws Lindsay in the trash and starts wrestling with her]
I will never apologize to her.
Nor I her.
[In a mocking British accent] Nor I her! I doth proclaim to be a stupid fart face.
Nice retort. Did G.B. Shaw write that for you?
Did G.B. Shaw write your stupid fart face!?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Parks and Recreation pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.