Scenes with Jerry 28
[Everyone is standing around the broken coffee maker]
So. Who broke it? I'm not mad, I just wanna know.
Don't look at me. Look at Ben.
What?! I didn't break it.
Huh, that's weird. How'd you even know it was broken?
Because it's sitting right in front of us and it's broken.
Jerry If it matters, probably not, but April was the last one to use it.
Liar! I don't even drink that crap!
Jerry Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?
I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that Jerry!
Okay let's not fight. I broke it. Let me pay for it Ron.
Ron...Donna's been awfully quiet.
[Everyone starts arguing]
[being interviewed] I broke it. I burned my hand so I punched it. I predict 10 minutes from now they'll be at each other's throats with warpaint on their faces and a pig head on a stick. Good. It was getting a little chummy around here.
I feel that some structural changes could really unlock this department's potential. Jerry.
Jerry Mmm?
I believe that you are capable of so much more.
Jerry I'm Not.
Nonsense. Look in the mirror!
Jerry Huh?
You are an intelligent, charismatic, beautiful superhero. I'm making you head of Public Relations, which means you'll be leading the Monday briefing sessions.
[A mustache-less Ron walks in whistling cheerfully]
Good morning sir! How can I help you? [she realizes it's Ron] Ron! Your mustache fell off!
Hahaha Leslie you goofball! Tammy pointed out that my face looked better without any hair on it and it did collect a lot of food crumbs which is very unsanitary.
[to Jerry] Hey Jer! Hump day am I right buddy?
Jerry ...What?
What is going on? Where's Tammy one?
She moved in with me. She's really helping me out. Yesterday she converted my bank account into a joint bank account with hers.
[sarcastically] Oh! That's great! And how is that gonna help?
...Not sure. When she explains it, it makes total sense.
Your campaign advisors quit. Big deal. You're running for city council again, Leslie. With our help.
April Ludgate. Youth Outreach and Director of New Media.
Tom Haverford. Image Consultant, Swagger Coach.
Ann Perkins. Office Manager and Volunteer Coordinator.
Andy Dwyer. Security, Sweets, Body Man, Javelin, if need be.
Donna Meagle. Transpo', AKA rides in my Benz.
Jerry Wh...You guys didn't tell me we were doing this. I did not know I was supposed to come up with something. I...
Ron Swanson. Any other damn thing you might need.
Guys, it's so much work. I can't ask you to put your lives on hold.
Find one person here who you haven't helped by putting your life on hold.
[choked up] I don't know what to say...except let's go win an election!
Jerry you were in charge of getting a crowd. Please tell me that you pulled a Jerry and no-one's here.
Jerry Okay well first of all, I don't like it when you guys use that term. And for the record, I came through. There are almost 100 people out there!
Oh damn it Jerry! You just had to do your job didn't you?!
Yeah can't you do anything wrong Jerry?
Jerry Is everybody feeling good?
Oh, I don't know Jerry. It's Sunday night, I'm making phone calls to strangers, and you're in my house. My life couldn't be worse.
Quick question about Ann. Does anybody know if she has any Indian in her?
No one respond. No one say anything.
Why? I'm just curious if Ann has a little Indian in her.
Jerry ...I don't think she does-
[Jerry walks into the dance with an extremely good looking man]
Jerry Leslie! I found a date for Ann!
Jerry I put an ad on Craigslist. "Man Seeking Man For A Night of Casual Fun." Enrico here responded right away!
E Enrico
I'll meet you inside okay?
Jerry Okay! Thanks dude.
Jerry A what?
Please get your gigolo out of here.
Jerry [realizing his mistake] ...Oh my God...
Well done Team! What do ya think of the place?
Do you really like this yellow paint? I mean I know it was on sale but it looks a lot like dried phlegm.
For real Tom. This place is sad. I think one of the mannequins tried to commit suicide.
I think what's important is that we all had a goal, and we achieved it.
Oh no it's quite terrible.
This is the best I can do for now. And I'm $46 under budget! Now I have a small treat for you guys for all your hard work. Pizza Party!
Jerry One small pizza for all of us!? With no toppings!?
Cheese is a topping Jerry! And why are all these lights blaring by the way? Does somebody own stock in the electric company? [shuts the lights off]
Hmm. If there were more food and fewer people this would be the perfect party.
Girls this is Ann. Talk to Ann, she's terrific.
...Hey dudettes! You stoked about the weekend...no. Oh! Look at this pwetty pwetty wittle bead.
I don't know. I'm weird with kids. So...you guys like Coldplay?
Jerry Well hey girls!
Jerry Okay. Thanks. [walks away]
It's not that bad. Nobody got hurt.
It's extremely bad! I love this woman, and I just wanna show her that I'm capable of watching her children without something horrible happening. [Ann's mouth is open] What?!
Did you just say you love Diane?
Yes you did! That is so cute!
For God's sake, Hanson, will you please focus on the larger problem!
ZI Zoey & Ivy
[singing] Oooooo! Ron loves mommy! Ron Loves mommy!
Girls! Girls! I don't know what you think you heard but please don't tell your mother what you incorrectly think you heard.
[singing] Ron loves mommy! [the girls join in]
I LOVE NOTHING! [runs out]
Jerry [giggles as Ron runs past]
Did you just pee your pants?
Jerry Just a dab.
Jerry When I heard Ben was getting married, I was all, "to Leslie or to Game of Thrones."
I also have a little surprise. I'd like to introduce our new filing temp...
Jerry [walking in] Hey everybody!
Noooo! Why!? This can't be happening!
G Gayle
Oh would you look at that! Sweetie, I think your best friend Tom is giving his lady friend a gift.
Jerry You know Gayle gives me a gift each and every day.
G Gayle
Oh I got the greatest gift of all, being married to you!
Jerry Oh sweetie!
Control yourselves Gergiches!
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Parks and Recreation · 658 quotes
Jerry
