Andy Dwyer quotes from Parks and Recreation

Can someone get me one of those lunch stacks!? And stack em for me this time! Cheese on top or no one gets paid!

You got it Chip!

Ugh my dad is such an idiot.

...

Here you go Chip.

Oh look at that, the cheese is on top...of turkey! You dick! I want ham!

Sorry son they were out of ham.

Alright well maybe I should just let mom be manager then?

Pick em up skip.

Andy

[whispering to Leslie] Ewwww! This guy's the worst! I mean it sucks that they didn't have ham but you can't treat your dad like that!

Leslie

[whispering to Andy] I know, he's a monster! But we need him.

Your job's not that hard okay just anticipate my needs!

Anticipating Chip!

Leslie

How are we gonna convince this guy to reunite Land Ho?

Andy

Same way I got a perfect score on the SATs. Broken scantron machine.

Andy

I am not good at keeping secrets! That's exactly what I told Kyle when he told me his wife was cheating on him.

ANDY! COME ON!

Andy

Ah! See!

Not cool man!

Andy

Not him! Not that Kyle!

Andy

Fine! I will tell you the secret. Ben's dog is dying.

April

Lie.

Andy

Ben is dying. He has the same disease Larry has.

April

...

Andy

Leslie is dying-

April

No.

Andy

They're both dying.

April

No!

Andy

I'm dying.

April

...

Andy

Chris and Ann are moving.

April

They already moved.

Andy

They are moving again to China...town in France.

April

No!

Andy

Okay! Fine do you really wanna know?

April

Yes!

Andy

Leslie. Is. A spy.

April

No.

Andy

Tom has something wrong with his butt.

April

Oh my God.

April

Babe you don't have to hide from me. I don't care about the secret anymore okay? I just thought when we got married we would share everything but if you really can't tell me or whatever it's fine. I trust you.

Andy

It's just that it's a really big secret. And for once I wanted to keep my word.

Andy

But screw it. You're more important than anything. I'm gonna tell you. Cause it's super juicy! You ready?

April

Okay!

Leslie

Everybody if you could gather around!

Andy

[pushing April away] They're here! Don't try to get it out of me!

Tom

Round of drinks for everyone on the house!

Andy

Yeah! Oh let me also get a chicken parm and a lasagna on the side. And a spaghetti to go. On the house!

Andy

The Meagles are weird. The words that they say sound passive but seem aggressive. I feel like there should a be a term for that like "Nicey-Meany."

April

Yeah I just had to physically separate two 80-year-old men who were arguing about whether it was really Lena Horne in that grocery store in 1970.

Andy

Here are all the troublemakers boss.

April

Thank you. Meagles! I am not screwing around! Okay!? Lauren, no more discussion of Majorca. Majorca is off limits! Brian and Gloria, stop making Horatio feel bad that your daughter went to Yale, no one gives a shit! And Ginuwine...

...Yes?

April

Get it together!

[crying] Sorry April, Cathy started this.

April

[mocking] Cathy started this-I DON'T CARE!

Andy

Donna! Joe! I hope you saved a slice of that cake for your estranged brother, Levandrious!

What's up girl? Didn't expect to see your baby bro at your wedding huh? Well I'm here despite what you did to me all those years ago.

Donna

What I did!?! This is because of what YOU did!

Oh you must be referring to the microwave incident.

Donna

Yeah!

Don't worry. I brought it back.

Now no-one gets any popcorn!