Leslie Knope quotes from Parks and Recreation

Leslie

The perm must wait, Autumn. THE...PERM...MUST...WAIT.

Leslie

Seniors in Pawnee have a lot of time on their hands and what they're doing with that time is going at it hard, old people style. A lot of them haven't had proper sex education and as a result STDs are having a field day. It's amazing what a few old guys can do with a little bit of charm and a lot of crabs.

Leslie

Okay so I have arranged for the parks department to throw a huge garage sale fundraiser for Jerry to help pay for his hospital bills. The Pawnee Municipal Employee Healthcare Plan is kinda crappy. One time I sprained my wrist and our insurance claimed that having a wrist was a pre-existing condition.

Leslie

Sometimes when I rant about Eagleton I forget to breathe and I pass out.

Leslie

No one from Eagleton has ever wanted to help anyone from Pawnee for any reason. In 1988 we were hit by a tornado. We asked Eagleton for help and they claimed they weren't home. An entire town claimed they weren't home.

Leslie

Smart, funny, independent and sexy? Diane Lewis? More like Diane Sawyer!

Leslie

Ann is giving up on love and deciding to have a baby with herself. And she has only been dating herself for six weeks. If she was dating a guy for six weeks, and they decided to have a kid, I'd be like, "Congratulations, Ann... and Channing Tatum." Because that is the only scenario that would make sense to me.

Leslie

Ah, what am I going to do? I just opened a can of whoop ass on myself!

Leslie

Oh Ann. You're too beautiful to be funny. It's not your fault, you've never had to compensate for anything.

Leslie

Things are exactly the way they were back in 1817! Except, you know, women and minorities can vote, we have indoor toilets and we no longer burn widows for learning arithmetic.

Leslie

Look if Ann wants to leave Pawnee I get it. I mean who wants to stay in the greatest town in the world with her best friend and be happy forever when she can abandon her soul sister like an old shoe, and move to a garbage city full of jerks! I get it! No hard feelings!

Leslie

Okay all Eagleton people meet me in the conference room. All Pawnee people...sit at your desks and take it personally.

Leslie

Lucky for me, I've processed all my feelings. And I've gone through the five stages of grief: Denial, anger, internet commenting, cat adoption, African dance, cat returning to the adoption place, watching all the episodes of Murphy Brown, and not giving a flying fart...How many stages it that? I don't know, the point is I'm fine now.

Leslie

We here at the Parks Department have something called the "April Ludgate Summer Solstice Druid Festival and Buffalo Wings Eating Contest" ...I don't know why I let her name it. It's basically a summer internship program.

Leslie

It's flu season again and I cannot get sick! I have too much work to do. Unfortunately Pawnee is like a breeding ground for disease...due to our poor hygiene habits and raccoon density. It's deeply ingrained in our town's history. We used to crown Miss Influenza every year. The CDC called the pageant "ethically reprehensible."