Del Boy Trotter quotes from Only Fools and Horses

Del

It's a videotape recorder, isn't it? It's got a little computer and everything. When you go on your holidays, this thing will record all your programmes for you.

Uncle Albert

Amazing!

Del

Yeah, nothing but the best.

Uncle Albert

How does it know when you're on holiday?

Del

You send it a postcard, don't you?

Uncle Albert

I thought the bloke you bought it from said an idiot could work it?

Del

Yes, yes, yes, that's right yes! Rodney! Come along, it's gone six o'clock!

Rodney

Yes all right! Keep the noise down, will you?

Del

Cor blimey, look at the state of that, I've seen blokes crawl out of potholes looking smarter than that.

Rodney

Del, these dolls ain't called Barbie or Sindy. These dolls are called Lusty Linda and Erotic Estelle.

Del

You can't have dolls with names like that.

Rodney

You can if you go to the right shops!

Del

Bloody hell! What have we got ourselves into here?

Rodney

Well this is your fault! You just go rushing into things and to Hell with the consequences!

Del

That's because I've got a high profile!

Rodney

Yeah! High profile and low forehead!

Del

No chance of that happening with Rodney, is there? World War III! This plonker can't even get Channel Three!

Rodney

Have you actually read the instructions to your video recorder?

Del

No, I haven't actually read them. Why?

Rodney

Well why don't you do that small thing, Derek? I think you'll find it really interesting, because we have instructions in German, Spanish, French and Italian and not one single word in English. And that's why your machine don't work. It was made strictly for sale in Europe.

Del

But we are in Europe. We're in the common market, aren't we?

Rodney

Yes, I know that, but we have a different electrical system to the rest of Europe. And that's why your machine's on the blink. Its components are burning out. It is what's technically known as "knackered."

Del

Hello, Cassandra, very pleased to meet you. Rodney has told me all about you. Don't worry, I'll try not to shout it all about.

Cassandra

That's very nice of you, Derek. Rodney's told me all about you as well, although I must admit I didn't believe him... until now.

Boycie

Don't panic. I am a doctor. Stand aside, stand aside, let the dog see the rabbit. (checks Arnie's pulse) Oh yes, very nasty he needs an operation. (searches Arnie's pockets for the key to his handcuff)

He's not a doctor. He's mugging the poor man.

Boycie

Oi!

You... (punches Boycie on the nose)

Call the police.

Yes madam, I call the police.

Del

It's all right they'll be no need. I am an officer of the law.

(looking at Del's height) Policemen are taller than that.

Del

I'm a small town policeman. All right sunshine you are knicked. (grabs Boycie and takes him out of the restaurant) Come on, out you go! Rest assured madam when we get him down the police station, we'll give him a bloody good hiding. Come on you!

Albert

Bloody fair, innit? A young feller like Rodney stops off to have dinner with a bird and leaves the carrying to an old chap like me. (sets the box down, goes to the front door)

Del

(under his breath, mocking Albert, while taking his coat off) They've got no respect these days.

Albert

They've got no respect these days. (hangs up his hat)

Del

(under his breath, mocking Albert) You fought in the war, didn't you? (puts his coat on the back of a chair in front of the TV)

Albert

(hangs up his coat) I fought in the war, didn't I? I fought so that kids like Rodney could have freedom. (bends over to pick up a letter, straightens up) And what do they do with their freedom?

Del

(under his breath, mocking Albert; Del walks away from the bar, with a tin of beer in his hand) Anything they bloody like!

Albert

(comes back to the living room) Anything they bloody like! (closes the door behind him)

Del

Oh, I unpacked that box and put some of the shirts in the suitcase with it. (notices the letter Albert has) Oh, is that for me?

Albert

(approaches Del) No, it's addressed to Rodney.

Del

Oh, well. (puts his beer down) Same thing. (laughs briefly as he takes the letter from Albert)

Del

Hang on a minute, just before you go and check in - this prize ain't quite as straightforward as it seems.

Cassandra

Well he did win, didn't he?

Del

Oh yes, yes, he won and all that, and it's all pukka and above board, and we're here...

Cassandra

So what's the problem?

Rodney

That's strange, you know.

Cassandra

What?

Rodney

Well, I noticed it on the plane, but it didn't sort of register. They're all mums and dads - they've all got their kids with them.

Cassandra

What's strange about that?

Rodney

Well, except for me, right, all the winners are parents.

Del

No, it's not the parents that are the winners, Rodney... It's the kids.

Cassandra

What do you mean?

Del

Well Rodney's painting won first prize... in an under 15 year old category.

Rodney

(stunned) Say again?

Cassandra

So they think Rodney's 15?!

Rodney

Is that right?

Del

No. They think you're 14.

Rodney

14? (to Cassandra) They think I'm 14!!!

Rodney

Why didn't you tell me this back in England?

Del

Well I thought it might cast a little cloud over the holiday. Look, Rodney, I sent your painting off in good faith. I didn't know there were lots of categories, but you're the one who wrote on it, "Rodney Trotter, aged 14 1/2", so the organisers must have put you in the kids category. So it's your fault, that you wrote on it.

Rodney

But how was I to know that in 12 years' time, you were going to enter it into a cornflake competition?

Del

Well how was I supposed to know that you'd win? Come on Rodney, it doesn't matter, you're going to waltz through it!

Rodney

Waltz through it?! How the hell am I gonna pass for 14?!

Rodney

(icily) Will you stop doing that, Cassandra?

Cassandra

(calming down) Sorry.

Rodney

Act your age.

Rodney

(to Del) This is your fault. I am going to break your bloody neck!

Del

Go on then, Rodney, off you go.

Rodney

Eh?

Del

Go on, you're going with the Groovy Gang!

Rodney

I ain't going with the sodding Groovy Gang!

Rodney

Del Boy, thanks to you, I am now a 26-year-old man who has come second in a skateboarding competition!

Del

Second? You was in the lead when I saw you!

Rodney

...I fell off.

Del

There is nothing wrong with me, I just have normal pains.

Uncle Albert

When you cam in tonight you just flopped straight down in that chair in agony.

Del

"You don't understand Unc, that is PMA!

Rodney

I thought it was only women who got that?

Del

No! Rodney that is PMP! PMA is positive mental attitude, It's the new buzz word, it's what all us yuppies get.

The spirits are with us. A man has stepped forward. A tall, elderly man wearing a black coat and a black hat. He wished to speak to someone called Audrey... No, no Aubrey.

Del

Aubrey?

Boycie

I am here.

Rodney

Aubrey?

Boycie

It's my middle name.

Trigger

You never said your name was Aubrey.

Boycie

Nor would you if your name was Aubrey.

(to Boycie, about the ghost of his father) He says you must be a good father. You must look after your child.

Boycie

Is he having a pop at me or something?

Uncle Albert

Elsie, Boycie and his wife Marlene can't have kids.

Del

Yeah they've been trying for years but nitto.

Rodney

Yeah he's had tests, things frozen, the lot.

Mike

The hospital have just about given up with him.

Trigger

He's low on something.

Boycie

(completely furious) Would you mind not discussing my personal life with strangers? You can tell my old man to keep his nose out of my business he was always going on at me for not giving him a grandchild.

Del

All right calm down. (grins) Aubrey.

Boycie

You can pack that in for a start. I'm gonna get a drink [He rises] It's all a load of rubbish anyway I never believed a word of it. [He considers] Excuse me.

You've got to make a decision, Mr Trotter: we can either save you or the baby.

Del

Robbie Meadows, you old git.

Del please.

Del

Sorry. Doctor Meadows, you old git. What you doing here?

I've got good news and bad news Del. The good news is they put me in charge of your case.

Del

What's the bad news?

I specialise in amputation.

Del

Good one. So how come you're in charge?

Accident really. I was chatting to some collegues when the name Derek Trotter came up, so I asked to see your GP's notes and look at your tests. I was amazed, I found myself reading about this non smoking, tee-total, celibate, vegetarian health freak. I thought to myself can this be the same Derek Trotter I know and begrudginly admire? That wheeling dealing Pina Colada lout, the Castella king, the curry coniseur, the same man who's lived his life on fast food, fried bread and doubtful women?

Del

Was it?

Yeah it was.