Del Boy Trotter quotes from Only Fools and Horses

Rodney

It got nothing to do with me, Del! It's was a Micky Pearce production!

Del

Micky Pearce! You wait till I get a hold of him, I'm gonna stuff that camera half a mile up his nostril!

Del

Australia is an awfully long way off, isn't it?

They'll love you over there. They've got no class!

Del

Australia! Where the men are men.

Albert

So are the women...

Del

What's that supposed to mean?

Del

Don't you think I've sacrificed enough for you?!

Rodney

Sacrifices? For me?

Del

Yes you, when dear Mum, God rest her soul, when she died...

Rodney

Don't start again.

Del

When she died, who stood by you?

Rodney

Yes, I remember that well. I was a little 5-year-old stood in a damp graveyard wondering what the hole in the ground was for, I remember all the other people saying "I wonder what's gonna happen to poor little Rodney?" But I had no need to fear, did I, 'cos suddenly a vision appeared from beyond the silhouette of the gasworks. Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's Del Boy! Da da da daad! "I, Del Boy, will look after this small waif. I will bring him up in the ways of Del Boy. He will sell iffy watches from old suitcases on street corners. And I will also teach him to drive a three-wheeled van whilst pissed out of his skull!"

Del

And I did, didn't I?

...They can't be top quality, they're too cheap!

Del

"Too cheap", how can they be "too cheap" you wally?

Here, I'm not a wally!

Del

No? What are you doing then, an impression?

...yeah but do you get a guarantee?

Del

You do, yeah you do get a guarantee, I'll guarantee you get a smack in the mooey if you keep on pal, just go away and annoy someone else...

Del

[about to take part in the clay pigeon shoot] When you're ready, John!

Do you mean 'pull'?

Del

Oh, sorry, Paul! In your own time, my son.

Rodney

Oi! Where'd you get that gun?

Del

Iggy Higgins.

Rodney

Iggy Higgins robs banks.

Del

Yeah I know but it's Saturday, innit.

Del

Come on Mr Jahan, let's discuss this over a drink, shall we?

OK, something non alcoholic.

Del

Mike, a pint of your best Bitter please.

Trigger

Hold up, hats off.

Boycie

Hello, your mini cab's arrived, Albert.

Del

Boycie!

Trigger

Is that Dave?

Del

Yeah.

Rodney

You git. You rotten git! You never told me my new job was a chief mourner!!!

Del

Rodney, please show some respect.

Rodney

Look, that big traffic jam was not my fault! Alright, name one person who blamed me!

Del

Mr Jahan did.

Uncle Albert

Grieving relatives did.

Del

The Flying Eye did.

Rodney

How can you be sure it ain't been found? Over the past few years, every policeman and underworld figure in the country must have been looking for that gold.

Del

(talking about the gold that was stolen by Freddie the Frog) And what would they have done with it, eh? They either put it through a fence, which meant it becomes public knowledge, or they smelt it down themselves. And if they do that, well that amount of gold coming onto the market causes ripples, the sort of ripples that would be remembered for a long time.

Albert

What if the police found it?

Del

I'm talking about the police! The chaps never found it either; I had a chat with the Driscoll brothers.

Rodney

(incredulous) You went and saw the Driscoll Brothers?

Albert

Why, what are they like?

Rodney

Oh, they're smashing blokes, Unc! It's like bumping into the Two Ronnies; Biggs and Kray! And they never sussed out why you were asking questions?

Del

No! I mean, you know what they're like! A couple of years ago, some guru reckoned the world would end within a month, and Danny Driscoll bet a grand that it would! And he's the brains of the outfit!

Albert

If you knew he was buried at sea, why'd you ask me to bring this shovel?

Del

So I can whack you on the bloody head with it!

Del

All the things we've ever got from life has come from my intelligence, and my foresight.

Rodney

Well, I'm glad somebody's owned up!

Del

Well it was one Sunday many years ago!

Rodney

Where was I?

Del

You was down the Mountbatten estate selling them gas conversion kits.

Rodney

You bastard!!! You sent me all the way down there knowing I had chicken pox just so you and Annie bleedin' Oakley could have the flat to yourselves.

Del

It weren't like that Rodders! I was trying to present you with a challenge.

Rodney

What, selling gas conversion kits on an all electric estate? That is a challenge and a half.