Liz quotes from Nip/Tuck

Liz

I'm getting my kid baptized.

Christian

Over my dead body.

Liz

Easily arranged.

Liz

I loved being a Catholic when I was a kid. The drama of it. The feeling that there was a mysterious man in the heavens watching out for you.

Sean

When did you lapse?

Liz

When I became a pro-choice lesbian.

Christian

What is it with you and this animal?

Liz

She is an outcast from her tribe, and she is suffering because of it. I know what that feels like.

Christian

Ok, I just want to point out that it was you who compared yourself to a gorilla, not me.

Julia

Semen's an anti-depressant. It has mood-altering hormones in it. I read about it.

Liz

Didn't do a thing for me.

Liz

Look, after being attacked, accused of murder, rejected by your mother, and dumped by your bride, who wouldn't be angry? It all makes sense. You've had a really rough year, Christian, but you shouldn't be taking it out on her.

Christian

Enough with your feminazi bullshit, Liz! [Edit] Shut up and serve the surgeon!!

Christian

The Messiah? Liz, I thought you were an athiest.

Liz

I kinda go on the wagon around the holidays. You miss out on too much good music if you don't.

I just want to know what it's like for someone like you. An out lesbian working in a male-dominated field helping women stuff their bodies with silicone? Holding strong to those feminist beliefs must be awfully frustrating at times.

Liz

Let me save you the trouble, OK? I am not some bitter femmy Nazi trying to get back at the world. And I certainly didn't carve my bosses as payback for who they are. And beauty is not a curse, it's a commodity. And I've never had any illusions about what I do.

Liz

His-and-her facelifts. If this is indicative of the state of relationships in the 21st century, then I'm staying single.

Christian

And cocker spaniels all over south Florida howl in relief.

Sean

Where is Christian?

Liz

I'm sure his spirits are here, but his body is still in the tanning booth.

Christian

With the amount of high-calorie choices available to consumers these days and the enormous portions restaurants are shoving in your face, surgery is the only solution for some people.

Liz

Standing proud with your fat-ternity brother, Christian? You can't hide behind those slimming scrubs anymore, Superchub. I saw the tape.

Christian

I don't think it's appropriate to discuss your new jerk-off material over surgery.

Liz

Oh, I didn't masturbate to your sex tape, Christian. I am not a chubby-chaser.

Christian

Oh yeah? Can you still find a cooch under that gunt? [turns to Michelle, who just entered the operationg room] Michelle, can you stop contaminating the sterile environment?

Christian

Michelle is the kind of woman who wants to feel like a spider and I'm a helpless little fly caught in her web.

Liz

Do you think that you could teach me to be as full of shit as you are?

Christian

I thought lesbians didn't play games. I thought it was all about cuddling and sharing of depilatory cream.

Christian

Your chocolate cupcakes are looking very tasty this morning, Michelle.

Liz

Oh I get it. A straight man mentions sex, it's not sexual harrassment. It's foreplay.

Sean

Tell me what you don't like about yourself.

Christian

Just start at your head and work your way down.

Liz

I just want a little lipo and maybe some work around the eyes.

Christian

Oh yeah, that ought to do it.

Liz

Shut up, Christian.

Sean

[trying to join in on a breast augmentation Christian is doing] Scoot over Christian, you don't get to have all the fun.

Christian

What are you doing here? Thought you'd cop a feel while she was under?

Sean

I just think that we should give Ms. Hudson the best treatment we can. Since I'm available, I figured I'd just make sure the operation goes as smoothly as possible.

Christian

Oh Jesus, you've gotta be kidding me. You pull this crap every time you're fragile little ego gets bruised.

Liz

Boys, boys, boys. This is why God gave women two breasts. Now each of you take one, and go play in your corner of the sandbox.

Liz

You're gonna need a bigger boat.

Christian

What?

Liz

Jaws. First time Brody sees the shark. You guys are in over your heads. You're chum, being devoured by all the Rodeo Drive great whites.