Harry Stone quotes from Night Court

My God, don't you realize that woman is dangerous? She over-identifies with characters in movies, and acts them out. Sometimes with horrifying results!

Boy, and she seemed so sweet when we were watching TV in the lounge.

Quickly, miss! Exactly what were you watching?

Uh, it was an old black-and-white movie about a guy in a dress.

Harry

Oh, uh... Some Like It Hot?

No... Psycho!

Harry

[after hearing of Irwin's rescue from a Macy's Thanksgiving balloon] You must be the luckiest man who ever lived.

No... Dan Quayle is.

Harry

I hate to get too technical here, but when did the illegal stuff happen?

When I came by the hospital to take him home. Can you believe it? He hit me right in the vestibule!

Harry

Gee, that must have hurt.

Harry

[not wanting to send Roz back to holding] Mr. McCracken, is there any chance you might change your mind?

I'll change my mind when Hell has frozen over, and the sun has turned to dust!

Bull

All right!

Mac

So, you think your old alma mater's got a real chance this year, huh?

Harry

I'm telling you, Mac, this is the best team that East Chesapeake has seen since a scrappy midfielder name of Harry T. Stone s...

[in unison] Scored the winning goal to bring mighty Florida Tech to its knees.

Harry

Ah, the legend lives.

Clark Edwards

So the reasons I have for the destruction of the three uniforms are "sat on a bomb," "hit by lightning," and "ripped to shreds by a small Asian woman."

Harry

Sounds right to me.

Clark Edwards

My God, he's gonna kill us!

Harry

Oh relax, Mr. Edwards.

Clark Edwards

He's got a gun! How can you be so calm?

Harry

Because thanks to the crack security you've given us around here, we've kind of gotten used to this sort of thing.

Clark Edwards

Don't cry on my shoulder, Judge Stone. We provide you with the best security money can buy.

Harry

Yeah? Well, have you thought about maybe taking a couple of days to train 'em first?!

Clark Edwards

What I am saying is that I remain unconvinced that for some reason, bizarre incidents keep happening in your courtroom.

Harry

What the hell...?

Mac

Oh, my dear Lord!

Bull

Hi, guys!

Clark Edwards

Don't say a word. I believe everything you said. Just send me the bill and let's both forget we ever met each other. [flees]

Mac

[re: his yellow sweater] Think it's a little bright?

Harry

No, Venus is a little bright. [into microphone] Warning, home viewers: do not stare directly into the sweater!

Harry

This whole thing is... a scam. It's like a play.

Buddy

A play?

Harry

This is part of a government sting to catch some criminals who have been bribing judges.

Buddy

Really? Then all that stuff Christine told me about your feeling alone without any family, that was all part of the act?

Harry

Right.

Buddy

Whoo! What a relief. And to think I almost told you that I was your father.

Harry

You mean my stepfather.

Buddy

No, I mean your real father. But now I guess there's no need to tell you.

Harry

What?

Buddy

Heck, I always figured you'd be better off not knowing anyway, so you won't hear it from me.

Harry

All right, Buddy, whatever you have to say, go ahead and lay it out. Nothing that you can say could possibly faze me now!

Buddy

You were born in a mental institution!

Harry

...I stand corrected.

Buddy

Your mom was really pretty messed up when she first moved into the hospital. To give you an idea, I actually helped her. It was just the two of us. We clung to each other for support. And that support grew into friendship. And that friendship grew into love.

Harry

And that's... where I came into the picture.

Buddy

Yeah.

Buddy

Well, it's been quite an eventful day, Harry. Even by my standards. You sure you're all right?

Harry

Well, let's see. I got knocked around by an inept government agent, went through a severe identity crisis, and nearly got myself killed... [grins] But I'm feeling much better now!

Harry

So, Dan, how did it go with Jordan King?

Dan

Ah, well, Harry... he's a tough customer, but I made sure he'll never forget the name Dan Fielding.

Harry

He took you to the cleaners, huh?

Dan

[slumps in his chair and whimpers] Yes.

Harry

How bad was it? [Dan hands him King's check] $9,000? That's pretty good for a piece of swampland. What'd you pay for it?

Harry

Oh, come on, Dan, so you lost a couple of bucks. One day you'll look back on this... [he stops, and compares the two papers again] ...No. Don't look back on this.

I'm looking for Fielding...

Dan

IT'S HIM, HE'S GOT A GUN!

Christine

Eat mace, bozo!

Ah, geez, lady, I'm a cop! [shows his badge]

Harry

You must be Detective Giuliano. I'm Judge Stone, the lump behind the couch is Dan Fielding. Of course you already met the lovely Christine Sullivan.

[still blinking off the mace] Charmed.

Christine

Well, what was I supposed to think? You have... doggie doo on your shoes.

I'm undercover, I put it there!

Harry

Well, isn't that kind of dangerous?

[into microphone] Hey, that's half the fun!

[into microphone] I'll shut up now!