Harry Stone quotes from Night Court

Dan

[whispering] How'd I sound?

Harry

Like Teddy Ruxpin hooked up to a car battery.

Harry

Women'll drive you screwy if you don't know how to handle them.

You've had a lot of experience, Judge?

Harry

Me? Me? Women are drawn to men in powerful positions like mine. Drawn. Yeah, if I had a dime for every woman.

Dan

You could make a phone call.

Harry

Yeah, but it'd be a long phone call.

Christine

Your Honor, my client was merely trying to get in to see the mayor.

Harry

Why was that?

[in a heroic pose] I'm here to save the world from the forces of evil!

Dan

[mocking VHK's pose] Well you can't, so there!

Roz

I got a feeling we're getting close to showtime, sir.

Harry

Is there room for a person to lie down in there?

Dan

A full grown man, two women, and a midget with a camera. [Harry and Roz look at him] Just an estimate.

Dan

Help me.

Harry

Dan, you really got a sister?

Dan

This is true.

Bull

But you told us you were an only child.

Dan

I wanted the attention.

Christine

Gee, big age difference between the two of you.

Dan

She was kind of an accident.

Harry

Not planned, huh?

Dan

No, an accident. I accidentally backed the truck into Papa as he was helping Mama unload the groceries. Nine months later, a blessed event.

Mac

Fertile land, that bayou.

Dan

What am I supposed to do? I don't even know her. I mean, she was three years old when I left home. I can't relate to her. We have nothing in common.

Roz

How about parents?

Dan

Oh, sure. Ma and Pa Kettle. Then what? The truth is, I'm ashamed to face her. I was a pretty lousy brother.

Christine

Oh, come on, Dan. You couldn't have been that bad.

Dan

Christine, my last words to her were, "there is no Santa Claus."

Bull

What?!

Roz

[patting his shoulder] Of course there is. Don't you listen to him.

Mac

Next case—people vs... Ted!

Harry

Ted?!

Christine

[smugly] Good ol' Ted.

Harry

I don't get it. Why are you dressed like that?

Dan

Apparently, our former colleague was in the midst of an appendectomy when he was arrested for impersonating a surgeon.

Harry

Why would a lawyer want to impersonate a doctor?

Dan

Further complications. It seems he's not a lawyer, either.

Harry

Not a lawyer?

Roz

Not a lawyer?

Mac

Not a lawyer?

Not a lawyer?!

Christine

Lisette, could you read that back to me?

[in different voices] "Not a lawyer? Not a lawyer? Not a lawyer? Not a lawyer?!"

Christine

Thank you.

Harry

Friends, family, Art. You know, each and every one of us has some special qualities that make us different from everybody else. I suppose when we're all alone, we end up thinking that those qualities might make us unattractive. But you only have to look at Bull and Wanda to see that that's not true. Here are two people that were brought together because of their uniqueness, not in spite of it. Two people who may see the world differently from most, but it's just fine for each other. Two people whose uniqueness has made their love for each other that much more special. And now, it is my great pleasure to bring these two very special people together. Bull, Wanda, you have any vows you want to share?

Bull

Wanda, I promise to love you with all my heart, to share with you the secrets of my soul, and never to hog the sheets, even when my toes are frosty.

Ditto.

Harry

Wanda, do you take Bull as your husband, to love, to honor, and to cherish as long as you both shall live?

I do.

Harry

And Bull, do you take Wanda as your wife, to love and honor and cherish as long as you both shall live?

Bull

Okay.

Harry

Be there anyone here who knows any reason why these two should not be wed, let him speak now.

Roz

Or forever answer to me.

Harry

Then by the power vested in me by the State of New York, I pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the groom.

[like her new husband] Okay.

Dan

Lisette, give me your hand.

Why?

Dan

Well, I need it for Chapter 7: The Delicate Art of Touch.

Well, what are you gonna do with it?

Dan

I need it so I can make you feel relaxed, now give it to me!

Harry

More surrogacy training, Dan?

Dan

Dr. Weeks's course is very thorough.

Roz

Unlike her screening process.

Dan

[holding Lisette hand in right and following instructions with left] "Foreplay should be the most important part of lovemaking. Starting with the fingers, gently trace up your partner's arm. Caress the shoulder with care, delicately massaging each muscle while isolating each key erogenous zone." [His hand goes over Lisette's face, making her very hot] What's wrong with you?

Nothing, baby.

Roz

Huh?

[snapping out] Boy, is my hair dirty? I think I'll go take a cold shower.