Harry Stone quotes from Night Court

All right, now if this works, this whole train track becomes a giant heating element.

Harry

Where did you learn all this fancy wiring stuff?

Blowing safes.

Dan

You saved me by convincing him I was a... worthless, degenerate, piece of human... trash.

Dan

DRINKS ARE ON ME!

Christine

The man is proud of it.

Tell you one thing he's not very proud of: his name. You know he changed it?

Harry

Oh, yeah. We met his parents, we know his name used to be Ellmore.

Oh, not just his last name, his first name too.

Christine

You mean's Dan's name isn't "Dan"?

No, it's...

Dan

Uh, Ernie? Pal, buddy, friend? [makes a slashing motion across his neck]

[smiles] ...Reinhold.

"Reinhold"?

Harry

What is it, Buddy? What is it about you that makes you so special? Why do people who are alone, and-and sad, they feel better just 'cause you're around? What is it?

Buddy

[thinks a moment] Love... caring...

[in unison] ...and a conscientiously applied program of oral hygiene with regular professional care.

Roz

[reading her invitation] "Lords and Ladies, Christine Sullivan requests the pleasure of your company at a gala affair commemorating the sixth wedding anniversary of Prince Charles and Lady Diana." [sarcastic] Par-ty!

Dan

Listen to me, we're talking naked Italian women hanging from the ceiling!

Harry

No, you listen to me, Dan. Miss Sullivan is our friend, and if that means that occasionally, she'd like us all to get together, then we should do so cheerfully...! Even if it is excruciatingly dull and stupid.

Roz

[sympathetically] Poor thing. She's probably too upset to even have the party now.

Harry

Not a chance.

Roz

Damn!

Mac

First case, refusing an order to vacate. [a trio of nuns enter] People versus Sisters Laurie, Mo and Carla.

Dan

[a la Curly] Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!

Harry

Mr. Prosecutor, that will be enough.

Dan

[a la Curly] Soitenly!

Harry

People versus?

Mac

Wagner.

Harry

Prostitution?

Mac

Positively.

Harry

Prosecution?

Dan

Pictures.

Christine

Objection!

Harry

Grounds?

Christine

Entrapment.

Dan

Ridiculous.

Harry

Reason?

Dan

Witnesses.

Harry

Overruled.

Christine

Darn.

Harry

Plea?

Guilty.

Harry

Motion?

Christine

Leniency?

Harry

Granted.

Christine

Fine?

Harry

Fifty.

Christine

Finished.

Dan

Freebie?

Forget it.

Bull

Sir, your new bowling ball is ready.

Harry

Oh, swell! [pulls out the ball, painted like a giant eyeball] Ha-ha!

Christine

My God, when people see that rolling down the aisle, they're gonna throw up their pretzels.

Hey, judge, I got your suit of armor here, good as new.

Harry

Oh, great! Did you get all the goldfish out of it?

Harry

How are we gonna get the guy a visa?

He cannot have one, ever. I cannot ignore the law and let a possible subversive back into my country.

Harry

Oh, come on! We both know he's not a subversive! He's just some poor schlep who wants to go home and visit his mom!

[confused] What is meaning of "sch-lep"?

Harry

Well, uh, let's see. Uh... you remember Jimmy Carter?

Harry

How's the crossword puzzle going, Bull?

Bull

I need an eight-letter word for a phrase that contradicts itself.

Harry

"Oxymoron".

Bull

If you don't want to help me, Harry, just say so.

Harry

No, Bull, an oxymoron is two words that cancel each other out. You know, like, "jumbo shrimp."

Christine

"Bitter sweet."

Dan

"Free love."

Bull

I understand.

Mac

Yeah, that's a good one too.

Mac

Sir, I cannot believe you didn't take the challenge!

Roz

Where is your pride?

Christine

Rip his guts out and use 'em for garters, sir! [off their looks] Metaphorically speaking, Your Honor.

Harry

Don't you guys understand? I-I don't want to beat Cleaver. I just want to spend my few remaining years in... peaceful contemplation. [beeping] What's that?

Roz

It's coming from Cleaver's briefcase.

Harry

I'M GONNA WASTE THE SUCKER!

Harry

Miss Sullivan, in this case I happen to think Dan is more qualified.

Christine

Why, because he has a pair of... [notices Roz staring at her] ...pants?

Roz

[disappointed] Chicken!

Harry

What was it, a heart attack?

[hands Harry a note] Suicide.

Harry

[reading] "I can't stand living in this crummy city another day. So as a final gesture of my contempt for New York, I'm voting to put that scummy worm Dan Fielding into office. Fielding and New York deserve each other. Goodbye, and good riddance."

[sniffles] What a tribute!

Harry

Hey, Bull! [stands up straight with his fists on his hips] Who am I?

Bull

...You're Superman.

Harry

No, no, I mean in real life.

Bull

Oh, Clark Kent.