Harry Stone quotes from Night Court

Harry

Well, in view of these circumstances, I guess it would really be proper for us to call...

Dan

Yes?

Harry

A short...

Dan

Yes.

Harry

Recess.

Dan

YES!

Harry

Now, believe it or not, I really understand how you feel?

Bull

No, you don't.

Harry

Yeah, I was what you'd call a lonely kind of kid. I was never invited to the cool parties. Nobody asked me to join the popular clubs.

Bull

Well, I'm one up on you there. I was asked to join the most popular club in high school.

Harry

Really?

Bull

Yeah. Eight of us were selected to go through the initiation. And all we had to do to join was... shave our heads before we showed up for the junior prom. So I did. And when I walked into the gym to meet my date...

Harry

You were the only one who'd shaved his head.

Bull

I was only 16, Harry. Unsure of myself. Worried like most adolescents about the way I looked anyway. And there I stood. Humiliated. In front of what was for me, at the time, the whole world. I wanted to kill myself. And then I wanted to kill them.

Harry

Just like Bully the Dragon.

Bull

Yeah, only I didn't live happily ever after.

Bull

This is an introductory poem for the new book I wrote.

Harry

Well, I'd say the real Bull Shannon just showed up.

Bull

Thanks.

Harry

What're you gonna call your book?

Bull

The Snake Pit of Chucky's Mind.

Christine

Your Honor, would you please this man I'm not a pervert?

Harry

[starts to speak, but turns back] How are we defining pervert?

Christine

Sir!

Look, folks. Pervert, prude! It's not my job to label people. Wait a minute... [pulls out toe-tag] I guess it is! [laughs]

Dan

I don't have a life, Harry. I have a lifestyle. Do you know how many women I have slept with?

Harry

It doesn't matter how many women you've slept with! [pause] More than a hundred?

Dan

You know the slogan under the Golden Arches? "Over four billion served"? Let's just say I'm competitive. And out of all of them, not one of them ever said, "I love you."

Harry

So you really think you're gonna be responsible for everything that happens next year?

I'm gonna make ABC the number-one network again!

Harry

[bangs gavel] Held over for psychiatric.

Stop by the prison sometime, Judge. I'd love to...

Harry

Drop me in a hole with a psycho killer for about an hour?

Is Thursday good for you?

Harry

Fine.

Dan

[enters courtroom angrily] You don't know what you're talking about, lady!

Please, Mr. Fielding, it happens to a lot of men.

Dan

Not to me, it doesn't!

Christine

Dan, what happened?

Dan

They rejected me.

Many are called, but few are frozen.

Christine

They rejected you? Why?

His sperm is slow and immature.

Christine

[fighting not to laugh] Oh... I'm so sorry I asked.

Dan

That's great. Why don't you just go ahead and tell the whole world while you're at it?

Bull

[excitedly] I'll start with the cafeteria! [runs out of the courtroom]

Harry

Miss Beeker, is this something abnormal?

Oh, not at all. He just doesn't fit within our semen parameters.

Harry

Which are?

Sixty million per cc.

Dan

I demand a recount!

You know Mr. Fielding your problem could be attributed to fatigue. How recent was your last sexual encounter?

Dan

...What time is it now?

It would be no problem to retest you. But to be sure we have an accurate result I suggest you abstain for two weeks.

Harry

...From sex?

Christine

...Dan?

Mac

I got twenty, says he doesn't make it back to his car.

Dan

I haven't had sex in two weeks. It's 3:00 in the morning, and I don't have a date...

Roz

Run for your lives, girls!

Harry

Better safe than sorry, guys!

Your Honor, my father's dying words were, "No matter what, don't make me go with Arlene."

Why, you lying...!

Harry

Whoa, whoa, whoa! "Dying words"? Is Dad dead?

Harry

Well, the way you were just talking about him, I kind of got the impression that he was, you know, here.

Bull

He is, Your Honor.

Bull

This is Mr. Huebner.

Harry

Gee, he's a lot shorter than I pictured.

Bull

Your Honor, the Hubner sisters are waiting to see you.

Harry

Herb's kids? What do they want?

Bull

Apparently they settled their differences and had some kind of reconciliation.

Harry

So what about the ashes?

Bull

They say whatever you decide to do with them is fine with both of them.

Harry

[picks up the urn] Oh. Well, okay. I hadn't really... [opens the urn] Hey, this thing's empty!

Oh that, yeah I'm sorry, Your Honor, I had to use that herb tea to test the coffee maker.

Harry

Art, this wasn't herb tea! This was Herb!

Harry

What have we got left, Mac?

Mac

Last case, felony drunk driving, sir.

Harry

Felony! All we gotta do is turn that over to the grand jury. We could still make it!

Christine

I'm afraid not, Your Honor. My client refuses to waive the reading of the information.

Dan

[grabbing defendant's jacket] You what?!

Mac

We never do that.

Harry

But the formal charge goes on and on and on.

Christine

Unfortunately, word got out that anyone not arraigned before midnight was set free.

Mac

We were so close.

Harry

Oh, well, that's it. We're finished.

Dan

[takes charge from bench] No, we're not. Not as long as I got a chance to sleep with Matilda the Hun, we're not. Hold on. [takes a deep breath and reads rapidly as an onscreen clock hits 11:59:11 PM] "Count one: The undersigned declared in complaint states without prejudice the city did inform the police department of such information that they prepared a police statement upon November 11, 1986, in the public judicial city of New York, New York state of a prima violation of 23152 of the New York Vehicle Municipal Code that the defendant did willfully and unlawfully, while under the influence of alcoholic beverage, intended to drive the vehicle. Count two: Further, there is a separated complaint being of different cause but of the same class to answer the character of the information being set forth the court prepared in complaint and setting forth the information that the police had the information and belief saying that the state and judicial city of New York, in the state of New York in violation of 23152 of the vehicle code, a misdemeanor was committed when the defendant did willfully and unlawfully while 1.0% or more blood weight of alcohol did drive the vehicle." The end! [Finished at 11:59:40 PM. Harry and Mac are shocked, Christine is impressed] My god, man, gavel!

Harry

Oh, yeah, yeah. Held over for a grand jury! Court adjourned! [Bangs gavel at 11:59:59 PM]

Mac

First case sir, People vs. Trixie Dubois. She's charged with prostitution.

Harry

Mr. Prosecutor?

Dan

Ah yes, sir, familiar story: boy meets girl, girl asks for a C-note, boy flashes badge, girl offers discount, boy busts girl.

Harry

Ain't love grand?

Mac

Uh-huh.

Harry

Thursby, you're scum!

[into phone] You'll have to excuse me, Monsignor. The Good, the Bad and the Ugly just dropped by.

You're insane!

Harry Stone

They called me mad at the university!