Scenes with Harry Stone 124
Listen, pal, you can't make me pay for something I didn't do!
PPPete Petey Peterson
But, Danny, I have affidavits on you from half the women in this town! And, may I add, you photograph quite well...
Yeah, you just prove that's me behind that mask.
PPPete Petey Peterson
If you refuse to settle, you force me to launch a vicious, no-holds-barred smear campaign.
Listen, buddy, nobody drags Dan Fielding through the mud!
Harry[looking through the photos] Not according to Action Photo Number Five, Dan.
[swearing in a group of new citizens]
Harry
You've all gone through a lot to reach here. You've learned our history, our culture, our secret handshake...
[confused murmur]
Harry
Well, you have learned our secret handshake, haven't you?
[more confused murmuring]
Harry
Ha-ha-ha! No, there's no secret handshake! I was just kidding!
CClinton
I stuffed myself into the dashboard of a Datsun to get here, and he's kidding?
It's his inalienable right to make an ass of himself.
BWBob Wheeler
Hello, it's us.
Harry
Bob and June Wheeler, ya Yugoslavian recidivist knuckleheads, you! What the heck brings you by?
They were picked up on a 509-B violation, sir.
Harry
509?
Harry
B?
Harry
I don't believe I'm familiar with that one.
Well, sir, it's not used in Manhattan very much. It refers to the illegal detonation of... poultry.
Harry
Excuse me, but I didn't think that chickens were among our more widely-used explosives.
Sir, the Wheelers were merely trying their hand at egg-farming. They ran into a bit of difficulty with a propane-powered incubator.
Harry
So all the would-be chicks are now...
Oh, poor Harry. This whole thing must have him really depressed.
Harry
Gangway!
[Harry streaks out of the cafeteria kitchen on roller skates, wearing a jet pack made from a fire extinguisher. He speeds out of the cafeteria - CRASH! Everyone gets up and rushes to the exit.]
BWBob Wheeler
Don't worry! Don't worry, he's all right. The girl scouts broke his fall.
There's got to be a way to get your job back!
Harry
Like what? Like it turns out I'm on Dallas and I've been dreaming all this?
[Koenig knocks on Harry's door]
Harry
[sing-song] Who is it?
KMr. Koenig
[sarcastically sing-song] It's the landlord!
Harry
[still sing-song] Just a minute!
[There is an explosion from inside Harry's apartment. Harry comes out, his face black with soot, and coughs out a cloud of smoke]
Harry
[polite] Yes?
KMr. Koenig
I want you and your exploding yak hair out of that apartment now, or I'm calling the cops!
Harry
Mr. Koenig, I've paid you two months rent, and a substantial security deposit, so if you want me out that'll be three months of eviction proceedings, during which time you're not gonna see a penny of rent, and when it finally goes to trial, I'm gonna testify under oath that you and I have been involved in a torrid love affair.
[He leans forward and pecks Mr. Koenig on the nose, takes his package from Koenig's stunned hand, and exits into his apartment.]
[Bull was just struck by lightning. He is found on the couch, his clothes still smoking]
Harry
Bull!
DDoctor
That depends. What did he look like before?
DDoctor
Well, then he's fine. Spooky, but fine.
Harry
Fine? Art said his heart stopped beating.
DDoctor
Well yes, for a few minutes he was clinically deceased.
But I'm feeling much better now.
Really? You look dead on your feet.
[He laughs; glares from everyone]
Oh, come on. If we can't laugh at the walking dead, who can we laugh at?
[Harry, Dan, Mac, and Bull track Roz and Christine to a male strip club, worrying that the place is too rough for Christine.]
Harry
Any sign of Christine?
[craning his neck] No. Of course, I could see a lot better if it weren't for that crazy bimbo dancing on the table.
[At second glance, the "crazy bimbo" turns out to be Christine, playing a snake-charming tune on a kazoo while "Sinbad the Snake Charmer" dances onstage.]
Come on, Sinbad, make that thing MOVE!
Harry
This thing is gonna be the centerpiece of my magic act. I'm gonna play a trick, so incredible, so amazing, it will boggle the human mind!
[Dan enters the office, inadvertently concealing Harry behind the door.]
Could we...? [sees the safe and laughs] Oh, don't tell me that melon head is going to do the old "escape from the safe" trick.
Harry
[rounds the door] The produce in question is right here, Dan.
[feigning excitement] Oh, you mean you're gonna be inside the safe! Oh, and it's gonna be locked and everything! Ooh, thrilling, sir.
Mr. Shibata was caught "rolling for dollars" with these three rarely-upstanding women.
Harry
All three? That's illegal... and quite impressive.
When he was apprehended, he had a fifty-gallon drum of soy sauce, and they were in the middle of something called the "Sukiyaki Slam-Bam."
Uh, sir, while neighbors and adjoining rooms did complain for over seven hours, I believe that...
DHDan/Harry/Mac
SEVEN HOURS?
[Mr. Shibata bows; Mac, Harry, and Dan all bow lower.]
My God, man, how do you do it?
SMr. Shibata
[thumps his chest] Every day, I swim ten miles, eat one hundred oysters, and sit in a barrel of pickle brine!
[to stenographer] You got that? [she nods]
Harry
How the hell do you lose a dead body?
I don't think any further explanation is necessary.
Your Honor, before we can proceed, we're going to need an order to separate. The fourth defendant isn't here. The man playing Thomas Jefferson hasn't sobered up yet.
Harry
Little bit too much Yankee Doodle Brandy?
About ten minutes ago he stuck a feather down his throat and threw up macaroni.
[Dan and Dr. Townsend find Roz, delirious from not taking her insulin, sitting on the edge of the roof]
Hey, what are you two doing up here? [looks over the edge] But then again, what the hell am I doing up here? [laughs]
Harry
The paramedics are on their way. In the meantime, they told us not to do anything that might upset her.
That's right. Otherwise it's one small step for Roz... one giant splat for mankind! [laughs]
MMoody
Too risky. I think our only prudent course is open gunplay.
Harry
Listen, fathead, the one thing we don't need is to have some trigger-happy lunatic in charge!
[into phone]
Harry
No, no, Mr. President, I wasn't talking to you. Yes, I'm sure you do get that kind of thing all the time.
[Bull is wheeled in, frozen solid after being trapped under a falling snowbank.]
Harry
Maybe... maybe we should rub him and try to get circulation going.
RCRuthie Cook
Wrong, exactly wrong! You do that and he'll be shedding skin faster than a frog on a cheese grater!
Harry
Are you sure?
RCRuthie Cook
You don't spend twelve years on the street without learning how to deal with exposure.
Harry
What do we do?
RCRuthie Cook
First we strip him!
[contemplates Bull] Oh, mercy...
Night Court · 239 quotes
